Relationship breakups are so horrible

[BlueGeraniums]

Hi, my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me 4 months ago. Fyi I am 41 and I think this is the first time I have felt really heartbroken.

We never lived together as he did not want the longer commute to work so it was a very straight forward split in that sense. He broke up by text and it was a little out of the blue, although we had some pretty fundamental issues. I'm just finding it quite hard to come to terms with and get over him properly. We used to see each other every weekend, usually at mine because I have DC's living full time with me. DC's (teenagers now) got on really well with him too. We were always doing fun things and we had some really happy times.

During the week I'm busy with work (work full time) and always have plenty to do in the evenings so just get on with it and don't really think about things too much. My problem is that as every weekend looms I can't stop expecting him to walk through the door - I know he won't but weekends were our time together and everything reminds me of him and I feel so empty and deflated! On top of that I have to remain really upbeat in front of DC's. I don't go out much and I've lost touch with a lot of old friends. Obviously no one can fix this for me and I'm just feeling very sorry for myself right now - I know there are people with far greater problems - but it would be nice to hear from anyone with some advice or story about how you got over a past break up? What worked for you?

Thanks in advance x

Feel for you. It's awful. Sadly like any grief time will eventually heal. You will feel stronger and ready to move on. Until then keep yourself busy. Find new things to occupy the mind at those weak moments. Wish you the best x

It's still very recent and it will take time to heal and move on. Could you plan fun things to do with your dc on a weekend so you're busy and not thinking about him.

Have you thought about reconnecting with old friends? Or joining a walking group or doing a sport or hobby on a weekend?

It takes time to readjust to new routines. You can speed things up by creating new routines and sticking to them to trick your brain to move on from the old routines.

I also find affirmations to repeat to myself really helpful when I feel the way you do. Here are some i really find useful.

With regards to making changes to your routine, I found even really simple things helped my brain to move on from being stuck in the past and the same way of thinking. Like driving/walking a different route, taking a different route to commute,
Drinking tea from a different mug, sitting in a different spot in the evenings,
trying a new recipe, going to a different supermarket or cafe than usual.

Decluttering really helps by helping to mentally declutter as you physically get rid of stuff that reminds you of him. Or putting away things that remind you of him if you're not ready to get rid just yet.

Deleting old photos or messages from him.

If on the weekends you are plagued with thoughts of him, it might help to stop thinking 'oh god this is so depressing. I miss him so much.' Could you try being upbeat about it instead and say something to yourself like 'yep he's gone. He's gooooone. What can you do? It's ok. People come and go. Life goes on'. Make a silly song up about it if you want to lighten the mood and change the narrative in your head.

On another note, did you get to see him face to face to end things? After 5 years it seems really sad he ended things over text. It seems abrupt and I wondered if you ever got closure? If you feel you need closure you can do it without contacting him. You could write him a letter pouring all your feelings out and then burn or tear it up. I've found this quite cathartic.

Good luck op. Hope you feel better. X

I agree with PP. After 5 years, I think every human being is entitled to a face to face break-up. It says something about his integrity & character that he did it via text!

I know getting over him is the aim but have you spoken to him? Obviously I wouldn't suggest begging him back etc but I think it's adult to say, 'I thought we were happy. I was quite blindsided by the break-up. I want you to be happy but it'd also help me move on if I understood what happened better.'

I feel for you. Weekends are tough when alone. I remember being in work thinking there was no-one to go home to & feeling this sinking loneliness.

Could you try out new things with your DCs too? Fun activities to do together?

Meditation helps.

For what it's worth, it sounds like you're doing well & are on track. Your feelings are normal. What he did was traumatic.

I really feel for you, there's nothing worse than a broken heart. And I agree with previous posters he could have at least done it face to face. It's cowardly via text and disingenuous.

What's worked for me is keeping busy, meeting other single parents with kids similar ages at the wknds, decluttering, walking and planning things ahead that we have to look forward to. I bulk cook at wknds also (I find chopping veg really cathartic) which takes up a bit of time but is really relaxing.

And as the age old saying goes, time really is a great healer. Be kind to yourself. 💕