Done with dating

[pinkpixie83]

After two years on various dating sites, I'm done.

A handful of bad first dates which go no where. I have decided I'm undateable.

Now to focus on me, why I attract the married guys, the commitment phobes, those who just want casual no strings fun.

I need to get myself content so I don't need a relationship. I'm lonely but I'm hopeful I can fix that in other ways.

Dating is just not good for me anymore.

Anyone else in the same boat?

I'm not in the same boat. I'm in a marriage that's on its last legs and before I got back with my now husband, I was in your position.

I spent about 2 years trying to find a man and just attracted men who were looking for sex or a counsellor. I couldn't seem to get a decent man...or I'd meet one and just not fancy him...

I think you've given yourself good advice. By focusing on it less, you'll end up attracting the best possible partner.

A male friend of mine never had relationships and all of his friends (me included) viewed him like a brother. He did every evening course and hobby under the sun. He then met a French lady in one of his evening courses and they're now married. She's stunningly beautiful and intelligent. It basically happened because he focused on himself and his interests. He was doing a different evening course every night. I know it's hard to emulate that level of motivation and energy but be great if you could! It definitely works.

I do understand how you're feeling. What I've found is that although I attract decent guys, I rarely find them attractive. I'm not looking for a Bradley Cooper lookalike, and am very realistic on the whole. But it WOULD be nice to look at someone and think 'wow, I actually fancy you'. So in my experience, it is difficult to find the full package: namely someone with a good personality (kind, funny, intelligent, etc) AND attractiveness. And as I said, I'm not MASSIVELY fussy on the latter ... but there needs to be some spark there.
Oh, and I am quite strict on my profile about what I do and don't want. Not on a superficial level, but basic prerequisites for me. Getting your profile right is a big part of it, in my opinion. And it helps weed out some of the numpties.
Good luck.

Hell yeah, me too. After being widowed several years ago, I recently sort of dipped my toe in the water. Not OLD, was someone i just met and was the first person I'd found attractive since losing DH. Well, the fuckwittery that ensued left me completely Basically the whole thing made me feel like a wank sock, just there for his convenience. Also liked using me as his own personal counsellor.

Sadly the whole experience has made me not want to bother investigating the contents of men's underpants anymore. It didn't used to be like this!

I hear you @McFugget! After a while of OLD, I felt like I was becoming very wary of men & I had never been that way before.

Is that why you got back together with your H do you think Isitovernow? A sort of better the devil you know kind of thing? (Sorry if I'm being intrusive.)

I feel like thank fuck I had a small taster of the sheer self absorption of men on the dating scene before I'd investigated the world of OLD. I fear my constitution is far too delicate! (My self esteem is practically non-existent, along with my personal boundaries.)

@McFugget Sadly, I think that's the reason. While my H really is no angel (), he came out smelling of roses compared to some of the men I met ...

Yup, self-esteem & boundaries are issues for me too. My counsellor tells me self-esteem can be built up quickly but I'm yet to figure out exactly how ...

Yep. Time to learn to be just me again. Trying to remember what I like to do and broadening my friendships is my goal!

OLD is like being thrown to the wolves AFAIC. You need the hide of a rhino to keep your self-esteem intact. I commend women who get on well with it but to me it's a minefield.

Unknown men viewing it all as some big chocolate box that they can dip in and out of and never truly settle on 1 choice because well, there's always the endless possibility of newer/better isn't there

I don't doubt there are a few - very few - good ones online but if there's a snakepit in front of me I'm not going to put my hand in on the offchance that well, there'll be a couple amongst 1000s who won't attack me

When I finished with a horror of a man years ago, I got up and out even when I didn't feel like it and was very sad and despondent. Fake it till you make it style. I joined Meetup groups rekindled my social life, went on holiday. Avoided OLD like the plague.

After 3 years of this (& towards end of that period I did start to feel lonely although my remit hadn't been solely to find a man), I met current OP on a night out. We dated properly including not relying only on messaging - it was phone chats, and meeting up regularly. We've been together 5 years now, and happy.

So I do get you when you say you're done with dating, but I think being done with OLD doesn't mean put the lid on dating entirely.

I keep up with the hobbies and interests Id got into, and some of those I now do with OH. I'd let the importance of still being 'Me' in a relationship slide, also when men were bullshitters I gave them too much of a chance instead of ending it and moving on because 'well we're already 6 months in' etc.which only led to upset. When I reined all that in, life and love got a lot better.

I'm not a believer that there are loads of good guys around just waiting to be snapped up. Real life just isn't like that. Its also hard to meet someone you actually fancy mind body & soul But I do think life happens when you get up off your chair and out there. Along the way eventually you'll meet someone however long it takes, in the meantime reconnecting with self and what you love doing, interesting life experiences is great.

OLD didn't work out for me but I have three friends who are married the people they met through PoF and Tinder & I've another friend in a ltr with a guy she met on Tinder...so, it seems to work for some people.

I had some feedback from a single male friend of mine when I was in your position.

He said that everyone attracts the married guys and the commitmentphobes and the casual sex guys. He also said that the decent guys avoid women who are struggling or clearly need time alone to work on themselves because they see that they are not ready for a relationship and need to love themselves first. It's not a punishment thing or a worth thing; he said It's more to so with respect.

He said that if you have built a wall around yourself, even if you can't see it, it is only men who won't care about you who will try and knock it down.

Lots of people have told me that at ‘my age’ the only way to meet someone is online - well, that’s only been a thing for about 15 years tops, and plenty of divorced/widowed people I knew remarried or whatever in the 80s and 90s, so thats blatantly a load of rubbish. Not wanting to do OLD doesn’t mean you’ll never meet anyone. You’ll meet fewer single men than if you’re going on dates from OLD but since most of them are a bit of a busted flush, your numbers probably aren’t much worse in terms of meeting someone you really like.

I think that's fair enough and you should do whatever works for you. I really like OLD, I find it a lot of fun. I go on dates when I fancy it and meet interesting people most of the time. If I don't like someone I don't see them again but I'm always polite.

I don't have high expectations of meeting 'the one', I just find it fun.