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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex blocked me and pregnant at 9 weeks

30 replies

ashkavxx · 07/09/2018 19:29

Hi, I'm looking for some advice. My boyfriend and I of 3 years broke up 9 weeks ago, but I'm 9 weeks pregnant. Our relationship was on/off, in which we had 2 previous break ups. However this one was more serious in that my ex was drinking a lot of alcohol and was cheating in the last 6 months of the relationship. Since finding out I'm pregnant, I've been accused of lying despite peeing on many pregnant tests for him and inviting him to doctors app (which he didn't turn up too). However, it's gotten worse in that when he found out I wasn't having an abortion he told me I was ruining his life. Since then, he has blocked me on all social media and my number. If I wanted to contact him, I could use email but he doesn't respond. At the moment I am currently living in his flat, but I am leaving in 3 weeks. However, he is not staying here but at his parents. I have contacted his mum with all this information, but his mum is quite a vicious woman and never had any relationship with me, even when I dated her son. So I don't think she wants her son to be involved anyway in this pregnancy. Should I give up and expect to raise this baby alone?

OP posts:

NameChangedNow · 07/09/2018 19:31

Yes. He also sounds dreadful and not like your baby would miss out on much. This is your new life. Build a lovely family just you and your child and leave this drinking cheating waster out of it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/09/2018 19:33

Yes. He sounds awful and your relationship was toxic if he was drinking and cheating. You don’t need him in your life and he’s made his feelings clear. Sorry

Plan to be a single parent. If you want to be a mum now then you’ll be going it alone so make a mental break from him and get other support around you.

Iscreamforbenandjerrys · 07/09/2018 19:35

Are you sure of your dates? Splitting up 9 weeks ago and being 9 weeks pregnant doesn't add up

LeroyJenkins · 07/09/2018 19:36

You're on your ow , no doubt

Do you really want someone like that in yours or your child's life?

Do you really want to be tied to him for ever? That's what having his child would mean, I'm not saying what you should do at all, but in your situation there's no way I would have this child

OrianaBanana · 07/09/2018 19:40

Are you sure of your dates? Splitting up 9 weeks ago and being 9 weeks pregnant doesn't add up

Yes especially as the first two weeks of a pregnancy are counted before you conceive?

Gemini69 · 07/09/2018 19:46

Congratulations OP.. this man is not worth the stress.. move on

Gemini69 · 07/09/2018 19:46

sorry I mean... Congratulations on your pregnancy

Onemansoapopera · 07/09/2018 19:47

Yes. And to expect anything different is wilfully stupid.

Original poster

ashkavxx · 07/09/2018 19:51

I meant to write split up 6 weeks ago! Thanks for showing me I should of proof red

OP posts:

HonestReally · 07/09/2018 19:56

Do you really want someone like that in yours or your child's life?
Do you really want to be tied to him for ever? That's what having his child would mean, I'm not saying what you should do at all, but in your situation there's no way I would have this child

I agree with this.
If he is behaving like this now it’s going to be incredibly difficult to deal with him if he decides he wants to be involved in his child’s life. I understand that you may not want to have an abortion and that is, of course, your choice.

Angelf1sh · 07/09/2018 20:02

Tbh I wouldn’t have the baby in your situation, but if you’re going to then you definitely need to assume you’re doing it alone

offtocornwall · 07/09/2018 20:02

He isn't accidentally ignoring you if that's what you are concerned about.
Your body, your choice and all that but do you really want to be tied to someone who has absolutely no regard for you and any possible child for the next 18 yrs ? But hey, if you have the income and housing to go it alone then it's rightfully no one's choice but yours.

Please don't contact his mother and guilt trip in to parenthood. If you want to be a parent that is your choice and no one but you has the right to make that choice for you. His responsibility ends at child maintenance if his choice is not to be a parent.

Btw thanks for 'proof red' . - genius and very clever...

category12 · 07/09/2018 20:04

Um, what else will it take for you to get the message he's not interested?

Are you sure you want to go ahead with a pregnancy where it's unlikely he'll have anything to do with raising the child and you may struggle to get him to pay child support? Where the extended family seem dysfunctional and damaging? (And what if he changes his mind and does insist on access and you end up with a difficult co-parent?)

Original poster

ashkavxx · 07/09/2018 20:07

Oh no I would never contact his mother about the pregnancy. It's not mature. The only time I've contacted her since the break up has been in regards to the flat and my possessions. But unfortunately they are failing to return some (expensive) possessions. So I'm trying to figure out whether I should even be guilty for even been ok with the idea that I might not even want him involved. To date, I've said to him if you don't want to be that's fine but he's threatened that it's not my say, but then will tell me a day later 'I wish you and the baby would die'. It's all just too much as he seems to switch emotions in an erratic way quite often which worries me. I don't know whether I should ask him straight out or just leave it..

OP posts:

HonestReally · 07/09/2018 20:22

You will have no control over whether he is or isn't involved in the child's life. Personally I wouldn't want to have a child who has a father like that. He sounds a bit crazy - how would you feel if your child has to live with him for several days a week?

You can't just unilaterally decide to remove him from your child's life unfortunately.

I understand that you may not be able to consider abortion but if you are I would seriously consider your options.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/09/2018 20:25

Aren’t you still in his flat? Who has your possessions and why?

You don’t need to feel guilty for expecting him not to be involved. He doesn’t want to be involved and he’s said awful things to you but now he’s blocked you you hopefully won’t hear from him again.

I’m confused by what you’d ask him. From the outside, it’s quite straight forward that if you continue with your pregnancy you’ll be doing it on your own. He’s not a nice person, he doesn’t want a baby and he doesn’t want to talk to you.

You’re in a tough spot but I don’t see much room for doubt or confusion.

Original poster

ashkavxx · 07/09/2018 20:27

From what I gathered, he wouldn't be granted parental rights unless he applied through the courts? However, I'm not sure he would pursue this route as he know its would drag up our past of him being emotionally and physically abusive. I am very firm on not wanting an abortion, as I feel I'm at the age, where even doing it alone, I don't want to live with the emotions of it for the rest of my life. I understand many women do, but personally I couldn't. My worry to date has being whether I should keep trying to reach an amicable grounds or even assume if he would be involved. I think I just wanted an amicable grounds for our child but I just don't think that's possible but then feel guilt as though I'm giving up for their sake? Is that normal to feel that way? For some reason I would hope they would be better for their child. Not for me, as I only want to coparent, but I think I just need to get rid of those hopes. Is that normal?

OP posts:

Original poster

ashkavxx · 07/09/2018 20:33

So we were in the process of changing flats, but in between moving I stored most of my belongings at his parents house (the flat I"m currently in was too small for both our things). So once we broken up, my father gathered majority but not some expensive things - I didn't drive so I couldn't. They are refusing to give these back, so I've given up hope for them. In time I hope I can just replace them.
Yeah that's true, it's just nice to hear it from an outsiders perspective. Bc obviously from my own family and friends they are going to tell me what I want to hear. So it's nice to hear from unbiased people that I shouldn't feel guilty about essentially 'given up' to convince him to have a relationship with him/her. I think it's just in my nature to try even when it's a lost cause

OP posts:

MyKingdomForBrie · 07/09/2018 20:37

When the baby is born you'll feel so protective of him or her you won't want this kind of person any where near them.

Bubba1234 · 07/09/2018 20:40

Congratulations on your pregnancy.
Lucky escape with that asshole.
You have a new life now look forward and having a baby is wonderful. Focus on your baby and future and everything will fall into place xx

Honeyroar · 07/09/2018 21:24

Id be worried that in the future he or his family (because they will find out at some point) will decide he has a right to see his child and they'll start bothering you or the child. Or the child will want to know their father in the future and be hurt by the mess it may uncover. It's rarely as simple as "I will bring this child up without him"...

Original poster

ashkavxx · 07/09/2018 21:30

Yeah that's my biggest concern. My family are very much telling me I should possibly consider moving. Not leaving the country, but I could move to another city. Because otherwise we are on both each other's door step, and right now his family alone aren't cooperate (even just with material goods) so it's not great hopes for their cooperation with the baby. His family are also very financially well-off, which causes concern that there may be an expectation from them that in 7/8 months they can be involved, and see him/her when they like. I'll be only taken maternity for a certain period, whereas the dad/my ex doesn't work (his family support him financially). So I would be afraid that would bring up issues that he would attempt to have majority of custody which isn't something I want. I would ideally want supervised visits, as the alcohol worries me with my ex. And it's something I really need to consider as right now, he isn't interested in even paying for a scan. But I reckon there will be the expectation 'to be there' in time.

OP posts:

Onemansoapopera · 07/09/2018 21:32

Yeh he's not bothered. But if he becomes bothered in the future and wants to see his child, that's his right, whether you like it or not. He obviously isn't interested in being with you or around you so the best you can hope for is that he leaves you both alone I think.

Original poster

ashkavxx · 07/09/2018 21:39

Yeah, at this stage that is what I would hope. Bc if you cannot be amicable or civil with me now, surely he cannot rationalise we could coparent in the future? As I wouldn't want it to be messy for them. In an ideal scenario, we would be civil but communicate only about scans etc. For me, maybe bc for a long time my feelings were subsiding anyway, but when I found out I was pregnant I put my feelings aside for the sake of the child. But it seems he just isn't capable of that. Which is what I'm finding strange. I suppose you find out a person's true character during all this but it is naturally hard to digest

OP posts:

Onemansoapopera · 07/09/2018 21:55

Of course its hard to digest. But there's no oneupmanship to be had as a mum, and if you're already comparing how much better you are because you care about the baby when he doesn't then you're in for a lifelong, bitter ride. Also if you're feelings were subsiding, it was a bad relationship, but you were still having sex, well you're responsible for where you find yourself. Own it. You owe the baby that. Forget him and forget griping about what a shit he is. It will only make this all harder for you.

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