Rough patch or end of the road?

[PeachBomb]

BF and I are going through a rough patch at the moment related to my depression but I think he’s depressed also. Until now, we’ve been very happy.

He was spending the majority of his time with me but recently started making excuses to not see me. Eventually he admitted that he was finding things hard and thought some time apart would do us good. He later said that he thought it would make me miss him/realise what we have but it’s kind of backfired.

Whilst I fully understand his reasons, I am finding it hard not to feel abandoned and resentful. Whilst before I would have told him anything, I’m finding myself reluctant to be so open or rely on him for anything. I guess it’s a self-protection mechanism in case we break up.

He complains that when we’re together, I’m not really ‘there’ but I don’t know how to act like things are normal when there’s an elephant in the room in the form of us both privately weighing up our options. Neither of us want to break up though.

It has made me realise I need to be more proactive in addressing the cause of my depression and so I’m seeking outside help along with some other things. I’ve previously been on anti-d’s but they completely killed my sex drive which caused issues of its own. I recognise that this will be a long road and I’m worried that the dynamic between us has fundamentally changed and this is the beginning of the end.

Has anyone been in this position and can give some advice or insight?

How long have you been together?

I recommend you look up 'depression fallout' and 'let the sunshine in' - advice on depression and relationships.

Best wishes OP.

We’ve been together 4 years.

Thanks for those suggestions Haireverywhere. I’ll look them up.

My interpretation of your OP is that you are struggling with depression which is making you seem a little distant and his reaction is to try and push your buttons and test your feelings for him.
I'd be quite angry if I were you (although I understand your feelings may be slightly muted / hard to handle with your depression).

After 4 years I would have thought a proper discussion would be the way forward. Have a think about what you want - and why. Do you want to stay together because you love him and see yourselves together in 10 years? Or just because he's what you're used to and you're not sure how else to move forward? Work this out then talk - but I would definitely tell him you won't stand for tests / him trying to manipulate you!

I would say you should verbalise to him exactly how you're feeling. Only then will you know if a relationship is feasible. Communication is key here. Why not work this out together?

Handbag I suppose I have been quite distant and I know he’s internalised that. He’s a big believer in ‘love conquers all’ and thinks that he should solve all my problems or that my problems are diminished by our relationship. OTOH, I’m much more practical and don’t necessarily feel that my relationship is an extension of me as a person. My problems are separate from him. I agree that he’s testing me but I don’t think it comes from a malicious place which is why I don’t feel angry.

I know it’s a cliche, but he’s my best friend and even more so since I’ve begun to eliminate other friends due to the depression. But now he’s distancing himself, I feel even more like pulling away. I guess I have taken it for granted that he’d always be there as we’re so well suited in many respects. I’ve never questioned his love or commitment until now.

Isitovernow, I feel like I have told him these things. I’ve been saying for a long time that I’m depressed but he doesn’t get it. I Think he feels it’s his job to ‘save’ me but doesn’t know how. In turn I’ve told him it’s not his job and I can’t be ‘saved’ anyway. We’re communicating but not understanding each other. I don’t know how to bridge that void.

Bottom line is that I have too much shit on my plate and I’m not coping. This is just the crappy cherry on top and it’s making me feel really vulnerable and like I want to shut down further. Apologies for the pity party.