The old 'MIL & SIL' rant...

[TryingToThinkPositively]

I'm pretty much at the end of my tether with my in laws and just want to get it all off of my chest somewhere -

I’ll give a little backstory of some incidents that have lead me to feel as though MIL isn’t my biggest fan and also the things that have slowly made me lose my patience with the pair of them.

DP and I have been together coming up to four years and have two DC’s together. When we first started dating, his MIL was never overly friendly with me, she was civil enough, but not exactly what I’d call welcoming and warm. I initially chalked it up to me being 10 years younger than DP and I thought she may have frowned upon that - turned out that wasn’t the case so I’m still not sure what the initial friction was.

Anyway, when we fell pregnant with first DC, DP and I had a clear plan of the kind of parents we’d like to be regarding routines, us wanting me to be a SAHM etc, and both MIL and SIL constantly shit all over our thoughts and plans, telling us they’ll never work - essentially making us out to be clueless in a less than constructive way.

• I struggled after first DC was born with post natal depression and genuinely thought I was a terrible mother as I frantically tried day in, day out to get my screaming little one down for naps with little to no success. MIL messaged DP one day and said she’d take DC off of** his hands for a while to give him a break (she literally wrote in the text that the break was specifically for DP and not me 🧐😳 how lovely of her), she took DC to SIL’s and after an hour, they posted on Facebook that DC was napping wonderfully and how easily they’d managed to get DC to fall asleep - so a dig at me, which several members of my family noticed and weren’t happy about.

• When first DC was a few months old, DP told me he was interested in going to a few Dad groups in our area, but hadn’t seen any advertised/didn’t know where they were held. I was on FB one night when DP was at work, and saw a post from a local Mum group saying that they’d started doing ‘Dad Saturdays’. I shared and tagged DP in the post as I knew he’d want to see it, then MIL commented on the post saying about how DP didn’t NEED to go to groups and that he was already doing an amazing job at being a father, she suggested that I was the one who needed to go to them (so essentially saying DP was a great parent and I wasn’t). DP spoke to her about her comment as I told him it upset me, and she did apologise, but it still resonated with me.

• MIL has made several comments over the last 2 years about the weight I’ve gained since having 2 DC’s. She’s very much aware of how sad I feel about my new ‘Mum bod’ but still she insists on making little remarks about how I’m a ‘bigger girl’ now and can’t wear the sort of things I used to wear pre pregnancy. It bothers me. I know I’ve gained weight, but I don’t need people pointing it out to me.

Now to get to the main things that have happened which have seriously ticked me off.

• DP kissed another woman at the start of this year following a month or so of him messaging the OW. I kicked DP out for a few days to clear my head and think about what I wanted, before asking him to return home and answer the questions I had surrounding his infidelity and our future together. One ground rule I made clear was that I was to have free access of his phone going forward and the passwords too, so should I ever suspect anything again, I’m completely free and within my rights to see if something may be going on. DP completely agreed to this. A few days after I let him come back home, I asked to see his phone to just check no further contact was being made with OW, he handed over his phone freely. I saw a text from his Mother and the opening line was ‘I know you’re going back to her, just make sure she doesn’t blackmail you....’ so I clicked on it and the rest said ‘and stop treating her like a princess!’ 🤯 Mind 🤯 Blown 🤯. Her son cheated on me after I was experiencing my second batch of PND and MIL thinks I’ve been treated like a goddamn princess. You can imagine how reading that made me feel.

• Our youngest DC is 8 months, and MIL has seen DC twice since he was born, despite her living a 15 minute drive from us. When DP posts photos of our kids on FB or Instagram, she’s instantly all over it saying our DC’s are her ‘Nanny’s boys’ - meanwhile I’m over here like - our eldest likely has no idea who you are 🤔🤷🏻‍♀️

• I’ve recently gone through a medical abortion which I didn’t want to do, but for financial reasons and the age of our DC’s, I did deep down know it was the right thing to do. MIL knew what we were going through, and I’ve not heard a peep out of her despite me knowing she would’ve suggested a termination. She’s not checked in on me to see how I’m doing or anything.

I told SIL about the situation a few days before my first clinic appointment, and she said she understood how hard it must be for me as she’s gone through it before etc. I asked her not to tell DP that I’d spoken with her about it and she promised me it’d go no further than her. I ended up finding out that SIL screenshot the entire conversation I’d had with her, sent it to MIL who then went on to send it to DP. Like with MIL, SIL hasn’t contacted me since before the termination.

• I know loyalties will always lie with actual family members as opposed to the in laws, but when someone tells me I can trust them, calls me their family and says I can come to them whenever about anything, I believe just that! I don’t then expect the actual conversation to be sent straight to my DP. And for the record, what I said to SIL was exactly what I’d been saying to DP for weeks, so them stabbing me in the back and trying to out me to DP was pointless as he wouldn’t have been shocked or annoyed by anything I’d said to his sister.

I just feel like the build up of all these little things has gotten too much now. I’ll be civil with them both going forward, but I feel like it's going to be hard. I wish I could get along with them both, but we’re all so different that I just don’t see us ever having a good, solid relationship.

Has anyone else experienced friction/problems with in laws and managed to keep their heads just above water for the sake of their partners/husbands? Any tips on how I can try to not slowly wind up hating them as I’ve really no more room in my life for drama right now!

In your shoes I would block them both on everything, embrace the fact you don't have to share your precious dc with such nasty fuckers.
Tell dp he is welcome to visit but you and dc won't be subjected to them.

The temptation to go 'no contact' is definitely there, but I don't know whether that'd just cause more trouble than it's worth.

Ultimately, I'd like for us all to get along, but the build up of this shit is really getting to me, and now discovering that I can't trust them to keep stuff to themselves has done me in. I've opened up to SIL a few times this year (its taken me three years to reach this point) and now all this has made me done is think about how many other times I've confided in her, only for her to potentially blab it all to the rest of the family. I just feel so let down.

Your sil has proved numerous times she can't be trusted.
Learn from that she never will be!
Seriously you don't need her in your life.

And neither do your dc.

Why would going no contact with them perhaps cause more trouble than its worth. This is self preservation for you; you are now saying no to being further abused and mistreated. Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no you would not. They are no different.

Your DP is also key here. How does your DP get on with both his mother and sister these days?. How does he feel about you being treated so badly by these two family members?. Does he really have your back here or is he a mouse when it comes to his mother and sister?. Is he mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt when it comes to this terrible twosome?.

As Aprilshowersnowstorm rightly surmises you do not need either of these two women in your life and your children as well do not need to be subjected to any emotional manipulations from them as well. It will also do them no good for them to see you as their mother being so put down and otherwise disrespected.

Your SIL reminds me of what Maya Angelou used to say "when someone shows you who they are believe them". She is not trustworthy.

Give yourself time to grieve the loss of the relationship and idea of family that you wanted and work for, and distance yourself from them emotionally.

Surround yourself with respectful people who care about you and support you.

I’d call them out when they comment on social media, but I hats just me. If you don’t stand up to them then they’ll keep walking all over you

DP has a so-so relationship with them. MIL thinks the sun shines out of his arse though and my family have all picked up on that. It's like he can do no wrong in her eyes - prime example being the text she sent him after he cheated on me!

He doesn't go out of his way to contact them or arrange family days etc, but I know that no matter what we were to ever go through, they would both take his side 100%.
I've spoken to DP a few times throughout our relationship about how I feel as though his mother doesn't like me very much, and he's assured me that she does. I've also spoken to SIL about it and she said that it's just the way her mum is, she can 'be a bit cold at times'.

I tend to struggle a lot with knowing whether or not I have just cause to be annoyed at things, so I don't know if what I've gone through with them is enough to completely cut them off, or if it'll make me seem petty?

They're both assholes. No matter what you do, they'll never warm to you. That's not on you. It's their problem. Dont waste another moment fretting about them. If ur dp wants to keep contact then that is his choice and you shouldn't interfere. Good luck

I'd never ask or expect him to distance himself from them because of me, he can obviously do what he likes. I just don't know if I should cut ties with them or not, it's a shame it's reached this point really

Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no you would not. These two are no different. You likely come from a nice and importantly emotionally healthy family, your partner here has not been so fortunate.

It is not your fault they are they ways they are (you did not make them that way) and you do not have to keep on putting yourself in their firing line. The two of them clearly cannot be at all trusted. If there is no trust there is no relationship anyway.

Sigh. This is all too familiar to me.

What I've done, and what I'd suggest, is reduce contact to the bare minimum. I now only see them when they initiate contact. I don't organise anything of my own accord. Stop engaging. Stop making plans with them. Stop texting and calling them.

The result is I've only had to see MIL and SIL twice this year DH hates it, but as a PP said, it's self preservation. I can't forgive either of them for the way they've treated me, my DS, or DH.

Your DC don't need such vile people in their lives.

I guess I'm quite lucky in some ways that MIL has little to no involvement in my DC's lives, as it means I really don't see her often at all. I've seen her twice this year, and seen SIL about 4 or 5 times. The times when we are all together though, I just feel awkward.

I think going forward, I'm going to ignore any messages from SIL (MIL won't be an issue as she never contacts me. I think I could fall ill with a life threatening disease and she wouldn't so much as text me to see how I am, it's honestly that bad), knowing that she's straight up lied to me and hasn't given two shiny shits about how I'm coping mentally after my abortion has pretty much proved to me what kind of a person she is.

I do feel bad saying all of this as obviously it's my DP's sister and mother, so it does make me sad to think and feel negatively towards his direct family, but I think enough is enough now sadly.

Block them, don’t tell SIL stuff

You are in a really precarious situation if your DP is being unfaithful, you are a SAHM and you aren’t married. How secure is your tenancy? Is your name on it?

The situation with your in-laws is almost separate, you need to not have anything to do with them.

Definitely block them in SM and go low contact. If your DP doesn't have much of a relationship with them, just don't remind him to arrange anything and don't answer any messages from SIL.

I wouldn't tell DP I was planning to do this, just quietly disengage - otherwise they'll have ammunition to use about it being your fault that he doesn't make the effort to see them

Don't feel guilty or worry about the row that may follow. Think bigger picture - do you want your dc to be subject to these people, letting them see ILs treating you so poorly and you letting them to avoid a row?

They both sound vile and I would be having as little as possible to do with them. I don''t use SM like FB but can you block them from seeing your account? Is your DP supportive when they say bad things about you? You should be his priority, not them.

I agree with SometimesMaybe that being unmarried and a SAHM puts you in a very precarious position. What if DP cheats again? What if there's nothing of concern on his mobile because he has another phone secreted away somewhere? Are you thinking of returning to work any time soon?

I think for now I'm going to lay low and have no contact with either of them.

With regards to DP and his infidelity - and I know almost everyone that's been cheated on before says this - but I really believe he won't do it again. He's shown me that it really was a monumental fuck up that he majorly regrets and he doesn't want to lose what he's got. He goes to work, comes straight home - I basically always know where he is as 99.9% of the time, he's with me and the DC's or family. I'd know if he was using another phone because we have joint banking, and like I said, he's always with me so I'd know if he was using another one.
My name is also on the tenancy agreement and my mum is our guarantor, so if anything happened, she'd support me until I was back on my feet. I'll be returning to work once our youngest starts play school. We also plan on getting married once we have the money for the wedding.

What did you do in the end?

I think you are suffering from very low self esteem or you are codependent because just the emotional abuse from his side of the family would make me run away from him not to mention his infidelity. If you have to check your partner’s phone just to reassure yourself is that a true partnership and a relationship based on trust? I suggest you get some counseling and reassess your relationship.