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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Conflicting stories

21 replies

Amumoftwo · 07/09/2018 13:05

I would appreciate your opinion on this:
My dh and I were both at work the other day when the post arrived. My teenage dd picked up the mail and put it in 2 piles (one for me and one for DH) then she went out.
DH came home and was out again before I got in but when I got home there was no sign of any post. Dd is adamant there were 2 letters and DH says there wasn’t! I really don’t know what to make of it???

OP posts:

Deadhappy · 07/09/2018 13:25

I’m projecting here - this is very unlikely, but your DH could have taken out a joint debt without telling you. That was my immediate thought since both his and your letters are gone and he is denying seeing either. Check your credit file (debts can take a while to show so check regularly). Noddle is free but only updates monthly, and the larger companies offer free trials.

I’d be upset that he is either lying or has a really bad memory. What other letter could be in your name that he wouldn’t want you to see? Or could a pet have eaten them?

SandyY2K · 07/09/2018 13:35

Check to see if there's anywhere he would have hidden it. Filing cabinet...car...briefcase.

It does sound suspect.

bestofme21 · 07/09/2018 13:38

Check the recycling box - it might have just been junk mail/flyer?

bestofme21 · 07/09/2018 13:39

Although it seems odd he wouldn't have just said it was junk mail

Bluecloudyskies · 07/09/2018 13:41

He has took it.

She will know if she picked two letters up

Original poster

Amumoftwo · 07/09/2018 14:11

So I don’t think the cats have eaten it🤣
And I checked the recycling and other places where we keep stuff in the house
I’m thinking that it must be something he wants to hide from me because both letters according to dd were obviously from the same place he would have opened his and known the contents of the one addressed to me.
Dd is upset because she thinks her (hero) dad is lying and I’m trying to think of all the rational reasons for it to go missing but really I’m thinking he’s lying too

OP posts:

Storm4star · 07/09/2018 15:11

Whatever it is OP, it's very concerning that your DD has inadvertently become involved and that isn't enough for him to come clean? Lying to a partner is bad on it's own but to try and make out your DD got it wrong when she knows 100% she hasn't is awful. If it's someone who's written to you both then, like a pp, I would imagine it's something financial. You may be need to think about what that could be.

RatRolyPoly · 07/09/2018 15:16

Doesn't sound good OP; I believe your dd. Which can only mean he's lying.

Do you have a joint mortgage? Joint bank accounts? Can you check the accounts for money going out? No bills defaulting? Check your credit score?

Whilst it could be almost anything, debt is the obvious one to look for first as that would most easily explain the post. Whatever it is it has to be something in both your names if you both got the same letter.

HarmlessChap · 07/09/2018 15:20

Sounds like something financial, any money problems you are aware of?

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 07/09/2018 15:23

Can you view his bank statements?

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 07/09/2018 15:37

Check your credit score and see if anything has changed recently ? There are companies too that breakdown any o/s loans that you have in your name (guessing this would come up if you’re partner has signed yourself both up to something) . I’d also ring your mortgage provider (if this is applicable) and ask for a statement , he could have decided to release some equity without you knowing?

topsy2tails · 07/09/2018 15:51

My bank sends us identical letters re our joint account. Is there perhaps a transaction he doesn't want you to see?

Peonylover123 · 07/09/2018 15:58

Sign up to an experian trial, it's free. You can see anything that's to do with finances against your name i.e. any new cards.

Then if nothing, log onto internet banking or go to the bank to get a statement for the joint account.

Anything else -wouldn't bother thinking about it.

yetmorecrap · 07/09/2018 17:07

Could it be you are behind on something like council tax and he doesn’t want you to know, because if so they send summons etc to both of you, we had this when I had been paying but was paying £23.52 too little every month, so actually got one only 3 months into the years payments, they are very trigger happy these days. Ask daughter if both letters came in same envelopes, same size etc, because if so I reckon that might be it.

Doingreat · 07/09/2018 20:14

He's hiding something. Your dd has no reason to lie. Your dh on the other hand might have something he doesn't wish you to see. He's gaslighting his own child. Which is about as low as one can get.

If you tell him you're going to check bank accounts and get a credit score check, would that be enough to make him come clean?

Musti · 07/09/2018 20:35

You could always check your bank accounts. My kids have sworn blind that they pit something in the wash or that they definitely don't have some item but it has always turned up. Sometimes when we do stuff all the time, you can forget or not remember it correctly. I couldn't tell you what post has come this week.

Original poster

Amumoftwo · 08/09/2018 14:48

So it’s all come out today. It was a financial thing but actually not something that we couldn’t have dealt with but he actually lied to my face and made out our dd was wrong.
How do I come back from this ??

OP posts:

Deadhappy · 08/09/2018 15:01

Ask him to explain his thought process to you so you can understand what he was thinking. He lied to your face so it might be difficult to trust him for a while. He should apologise to DD for making out she was lying.

If it was something caused by a mistake he made then I guess I could sort of understand maybe he didn’t want to let you down.

Original poster

Amumoftwo · 08/09/2018 15:10

Thank you deadhappy, that is exactly what it was, he said he was trying to resolve it before he told me about it but I can’t understand how someone could tell a barefaced lie even when presented with evidence - how can I trust anything he tells me now ?

OP posts:

Oysterbabe · 08/09/2018 15:24

That was really shit of him OP.

When I was a child my sister and I found a pile of letters hidden in an outbuilding. We gave them to our mum and it turned out our dad had hidden them there and that we were in deep financial trouble. The following weeks there was much screaming and shouting between my parents and we felt responsible and extremely guilty for betraying our dad and giving the letters to mum. I still remember the furious look I got from my dad when he found out what we'd done.

He's done a really bad thing betraying your trust and putting your child in the middle of it. He's got a lot of making up to do.

Saggital · 08/09/2018 15:56

I knew it was DH as soon as I read your opening post. There would be less reason for DD to lie about one pile being there than DH to lie there was not.

Oysterbabe I was executor to a very fit and still-working man who died in his late 80's. I too had to enter an outbuilding to check his business records and obtain his tax references and accounts. Hidden in various dusty bottom drawers and boxes were bundles and bundles of bank notes, all told over £120000 when finally counted. All correctly declared in his accounts and to the revenue, just hidden from his wife.

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