Reached rock bottom

[Cath2907]

We got there - I knew we would. I have finally admitted to myself that my husband is not going to change and have told him I think we need to split up.
He hasn't worked in 9 years. Initially he quit his job to start a new business. Spent a year working on setting it up and never sold a single thing. He stopped working on it when DD was born. I had 10 months maternity leave and we shared child care. I then went back to work and he became a SAHD. Except I work from home so was still around to do bits of it. I did at least half of the night wakings, all the cooking & cleaning and my job. Eventually DD went to playgroup 2 mornings per week, then to nursery school 5 mornings per week, then to school. She started Year 3 this week. DH carried on being a SAHD and I carried on doing all the housework, cooking, shopping and my full time job. In Feb we got a puppy (for him mainly) and day 3 when he found out it was hard work he just stopped bothering so now I look after and walk the dog too. He just moans about him being a nuisance.

I explained in April that things would have to change and he needed to step up more and he agreed. He did lots more but none of it was useful - he took all the doors off and re-glossed (badly and we didn't have doors on the toilets for a week) but still didn't put the hoover over!!! Added to all this he is permenantly frustrated, depressed, anxious, grumpy and just generally no fun to live with.

Him and DD were away at MILs for a week last week and it was SO SO nice. I cleaned the house (it took me a whole day but he has 5 free every week) and baked and spent time with the dog all without him huffing about the place in a mood. Then they got back.

I tried leaving him a list asking for hoover to be done each morning and a general tidy up.... didn't happen.

Today I lost it and told him it was over, explained why and went back to work. He mopped the kitchen and has now gone out. Not sure what that was all about!!!!!!!! He hasn't mopped the kitchen in months!

I was angry but now I am really sad. I remember the fun guy I married. I am not sure who the man I currently live with is but he definitely isn't my husband. We have had sex once since Feb. We rarely even touch one another. We don't talk about anything other than DD or the dog. He doesn't like the life he ended up with - he will say that.

I am not sure I need advice but a handhold would be nice. I haven't told anyone in RL yet - I guess he and I need to work out how to actually do this splitting up thing.

HH for you
It seems you've made the right decision.
Is there a reason he doesn't want to go back to work?

So sorry, it sounds miserable. Is there are reason he can't get another job?

Oh bless you...... I think you know everythign anyone can say, deep down, but any form of realisation is hard when it hits you. Which I think has happened with you. I honestly thought you might be someone I know - because this story is almost identical to one of my old schools friends, but she had a DS as well as DD and no dog! I seriously wish she would leave as its affected our friendship. So firstly you are doing the right thing. Go and see a family law solicitor. A good one will have something like 30 minutes free so you can work out whats the best order to do things in. They will also have access to mediation if this is appropriate for you. If you can access counselling it might be worthwhile doing that too to clear your mind , and work out steps forwards.

I think you need to come to terms with it in your head and then take the plunge. Be strong OP and know that you will create a better life for you and your DD at least.

This situation is familiar to me.
My relationship ended in April, and I haven’t looked back. I love having the house to myself and my daughter, no moody exh around etc etc.
If you can do it financially, you will be so much happier and so will your daughter with the knock on effect.
He sounds like a man child. And if he was going to change you would have seen some definite evidence of that by now.
Think about how life will look like as a single mum, make sure you have your plan in place then do it. 💪

My lightbulb moment was when he went away for a few days and whilst he was away the household was bathed in sunshine and everyone relaxed.

Good luck!

Do it, he's a lazy good for nothing, a drain to you and your child; get rid pronto and enjoy your life without someone using you like that, he's had enough of taking the piss out of you no?

When my girlfriend told her ex it was over, she actually said to him "You don't enjoy this life. You hate it. One day you'll thanks me for this."

He just wasn't cut out for the day to day family life.

Oh, and I'm told that his first reaction was to suddenly to some housework stuff he'd normally ignore as well. Fairly common reaction apparently.

I think he's probably struggling to take you seriously at the moment. You may need to tell him several more times that it's over. His actions come across like he thinks you were just ranting and will "calm down" later.

He's had 9 years to step up and hasn't done it. So don't let him make you feel bad over this. If you feel you're going to falter just remember how you felt when he was away. You deserve to be happy.