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Relationships

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Original poster

Can feelings develop?

21 replies

Lottie35 · 07/09/2018 11:17

I have started dating a guy who is ten years older than me and he's very straightforward, stable, sincere etc he's been very honest and has said he is falling for me.

I like him and would like to get to know him more however I don't feel the same. I've been honest and he said he'll slow it down.

My issue is can I develop feelings for this guy? I like him a lot but he's sensitive and I'm not. He seems to hang on my every word at times and I feel a little pressured. I keep thinking if I had strong feelings he'd be an amazing boyfriend. Surely if I just give it time?

My relationship history has been a disaster because I fall madly in love straight away and it inevitably goes wrong. Always with a nob guy.
And now I've met someone who is wonderful relationship material and I'm unsure.
Has anyone experienced a similar thing? I don't have butterflies but can it come in time?

Thanks

OP posts:

Bettysnoop · 07/09/2018 11:26

Don't waste your time.

The butterflies are either there or they ain't!

If you aren't feeling the vibes at the beginning which is meant to be the joyful & exciting time of starting something new .... well it sounds like a lost cause in my opinion.

Don't be that person that is so desperate to be in a relationship that you settle for second best.

He deserves better & so do you!

Bettysnoop · 07/09/2018 11:32

I was single for 5 years, all be it I went on lots & lots of dates, like you I met people that I 'just liked' but didn't meet anybody who rocked my world if you get my drift.

I stayed single, stopped going on dates, did my own thing & accepted life as a singleton.

Three months ago I met him 💖

I learnt so much from going on the dates, staying single & recognising what was / wasn't butterflies in my belly : )

Sounds to me like you are hoping you can really like him in the future but from my opinion that should be there at the start & if it isn't it's a major red flag.

Original poster

Lottie35 · 07/09/2018 11:55

It's funny because I would normal completely agree with you but there is something about this guy which I want to get to know. I would be gutted if it ended and I see him in my future.

I'm very all or nothing which has meant I've always had whirlwind relationships which amount to nothing but heartache.

I've been single for a few years, very happy so I can take or leave a relationship.
Perhaps, for me it's a more grown up relationship?!

I've been totally honest with him and he's a grown man. Your messages helped because I think I'm into him more than I want to admit right now yet no butterflies.

OP posts:

Namethecat · 07/09/2018 12:02

Ok I met a man on OLD, initial thoughts were he is not my usual type at all. I had already invested a bit of time by telephone calls, texts and found that I liked the ' essence ' of the man quite a bit, so I put my niggles behind me and I just let it see how it went. Well 20 years later we are still here and tbh my life went to places I'd never thought it would go. I moved away from my home town , and then we moved away again to a completely different part of the country. If you don't try he could be the one that got away. Go with your gut.

TheVanguardSix · 07/09/2018 12:04

Don't delude yourself... or him. You're not into him at all. The 'I'm into him more than I think I want to admit' is just you, trying to convince yourself to wait it out because he's a good, stable catch.

Throw him back, OP. He deserves more and so do you. You'll know when it's right and this just isn't. If anything, you'll end up resenting him over the years, not growing more into him. You'd be settling and that's just not right for either of you.

ObiandMillie · 07/09/2018 12:05

I'll go against the grain

I was friends with my now husband for around a year. I didn't fancy him in the slightest, no butterflies, strictly platonic. He was like my brother.

It crept up on me really slowly. He's such a good, steady, kind, lovely man and I very slowly fell in love with him. Then I got the butterflies We've been together 20 years now.

Original poster

Lottie35 · 07/09/2018 12:15

OK reading the messages has definitely helped! Those ppl saying stop, don't carry on well I actually feel protective of my relationship and see it developing. So it's sorta helped.

I like him and I love spending time with him
Going with my gut feeling yes I really want to see where it goes. I think about him lots and want to spend time with him.

Not sure if it's going to develop or I'll fall for him BUT I love the stories of relationships slowly creeping up on you and then 20 years later

Probably much better for me than anything whirlwind and unstable.
I've made it clear I can't promise him anything at this point.

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/09/2018 12:31

You’ve got to feel something, I think; though this doesn’t have to be “butterflies” or a “falling” feeling. Being intrigued by somebody and wanting to get to know them more can be it - as long as it’s accompanied by finding them attractive, as well. You say you’ve “started dating”, and I don’t know what sort of timescale this means; but I’d say feeling the way you do is pretty normal if only a few weeks though less so if we’re talking three months or more (after that, you really should have a decent idea how you want something to progress.)

As long as you’re consistent and honest with him and keep communicating, it’s fine. Don’t mislead him, be clear that you like him, fancy him, are interested, want to see how all this evolves, but aren’t sure exactly how you feel yet. You can’t help how quickly he “falls” for you, and just because some people do this very quickly and quite indiscriminately doesn’t mean that it’s all doomed because you’re a bit of a slower burn. What you’re describing is pretty much how all of my relationships have begun.

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/09/2018 12:36

Having re-read your OP: the feeling pressured because he hangs on your every word is not great and would drive me nuts. Again, doesn’t mean things are doomed but maybe a conversation about how you don’t need constant reassurance and attentiveness is in order? Some people do this out of habit, if they’ve had previous partners who responded well to it.

FlapJackered · 07/09/2018 13:15

This was me! It took me years before I properly fell in love with my DP. I never saw it as a long term relationship but it just kept on going! I am quite a guarded person though. Now I love him more than I ever have and we have been together 11 years. I would say in most cases that first infatuation is great but rarely lasts, it's lasting love; how you treat each other, get on and the connection that really matters and that takes a bit of time to come through.

Liverpool23 · 07/09/2018 13:58

Oh, this is all so individual isn't it! Everyone has their own story.

I met a guy who was PERFECT on paper, great job, amazing car, lovely house which he owned (fully aware I am starting to sound like a gold digger) but whatever IT is...well I just didn't feel IT!!! I remember getting so frustrated with myself and ended up trying and trying and trying to like him, inevitably I really hurt him

I didn't really accept it at the time but I was totally and utterly in love with someone else - hard worker but low paid job, single parent (I am 28 so taking on a 9 year old was and is a big deal) and he just didn't ''fit'' with my idea of a perfect partner at the time

Fast forward some time and we are very much happy together and engaged. I knew him for 4 years before getting into a relationship with him but it still surprises me to this day that we are together, making in work and I honestly couldn't be happier. I really hate this phrase actually but try and go for your gut, yes YOUR gut because it is your story and everyone is on a different path however emotionally mushy that sounds!

Original poster

Lottie35 · 07/09/2018 14:02

Thanks for all your anecdotes and experiences, this is so positive :)

He's attractive and I know lots of girls fancy him and my friends are very approving and we have chemistry in that sense, ie physical side of things.

It's only been a few weeks and I'm intrigued and like the person I'm getting to know.
I like the time I spend with him.

I've asked him to take it slow and that I'm definitely not at the same stage as him. I'd never want him second guessing my thoughts and told him if this ever happens just ask me straight out.
The best thing is he let's me be me. I don't ever have to stress or worry about what he thinks of me because he likes me for me.
I never have to check my phone or reword a message, I never worry how I'll come across or whether I maybe judged by him he simple embraces all of me. This means a lot to me because I've had some terrible relationship experiences which have left me with zero confidence.

The more I think about it and the more I read the messages I realise how lucky I am to have met him.... I am very guarded and cautious and he is the absolute opposite and is certain we should be together
I think with a bit of time and patience we'll hopefully get on the same page.

OP posts:

Liverpool23 · 07/09/2018 14:17

Lottie, your last post is just so lovely! Enjoy and I really hope it works out for you

RatRolyPoly · 07/09/2018 14:46

Sounds good Lottie and definitely worth a punt. But can I just check, you said...

He's attractive and I know lots of girls fancy him and my friends are very approving

...all well and good, you know he's attractive, lots of people fancy him. But do YOU fancy him? Like actually fancy him?

Just checking

Original poster

Lottie35 · 07/09/2018 14:56

Thanks ladies for your positive feed back

After I wrote that I realised it sounded a bit like a fob off. No I DEFINITELY face him!

He's not my usual type because he's a proper (older) man's man (if that makes sense) whereas I normally fancy dweeby teenagers trapped in men's bodies. I've never dated someone ten years older but physically he's attractive to me :)

OP posts:

Namethecat · 07/09/2018 16:24

Me again. Do you think this man ( and I'm saying man ) is so unlike the lads/boys who you have dated before that you are almost looking for the wrong in him because that is always what you have learnt to expect ?

RatRolyPoly · 07/09/2018 16:32

Pleased to hear it Lottie, crack on!

justpoppngby · 07/09/2018 16:42

I didn't actually like anything at all about my dh when I met him, I thought he was awful. He grew on me though and I realised I didn't know the real him at first and how lovely he actually was, we've been together 30 years now.

Original poster

Lottie35 · 07/09/2018 17:38

Namethecat hit the nail on the head!
I've never dated anyone who wanted commitment and always thought it was a bit naff.... Even though that's exactly what I wanted and deserved from a relationship.

Basically he's a man not a boy.

I'm so not used to this.
Think I better crack on

OP posts:

Namethecat · 07/09/2018 18:36

Bettysnoop · 07/09/2018 21:25

Probably much better for me than anything whirlwind and unstable ..... OP why are you trying to kid yourself that you are into this man?!!!!!!!!

Most of your posts sound like you are choosing him because he's a 'safe' option.

If he read here what you have written about him he would most probably be gutted.

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