Dead loveless marriage and stressful job, should I quit both?

[Tina098]

Hi, I have been with my husband for 15 years but most of it has been unhappy and loveless, despite having 3 kids. These days we don't talk to and completely avoid each other, no eye or physical contact, have tried marriage counselling but it didn't help. Over the years I've tried many ways to reconnect with him and spoken openly to him but he ignores me completely each time. We have been sleeping in separate rooms for over 1.5 years now.

Also, I'm on sick leave for last 5 months for work stress and anxiety mainly due to lack of support and regular criticism from my manager over 5 years. Do you think I should quit or have a meeting with the boss to work on issues?

Two major areas in my life are causing me so much stress I'm exhausted all the time, please help by sharing your advice. Thanks

I can relate to the dead, loveless marriage, op. It's no wonder you're
stressed and ill - it's a life saping way to live.
It really is better to be alone than with someone who doesn't care, there's a better life out there.

Can't advise on the job situation, sorry.
You're surrounded by twats, op.

Yes, you should quit both. A fresh start is a wonderful thing. Just make sure you get the financials worked out before you do it.

Start making plans to leave both. Even having a plan will make you start to feel a bit better. The aim should be to get out before you have a breakdown, not after. Wish I'd done it that way round!

Yes definitely quit both. As Stella said, just sort the finances first. Life doesn’t have to be this way.

I would look at getting another job first. If that's not possible, then split up but keep your job because you may need it or it will help you when you split up.

I would seek legal advice re divorcing him if you have not already done this. Make plans to leave and stick to it.

Do not yourself go on doing your bit here to also show your children that a loveless marriage is their norm too; the model that they are being shown here is very damaging to them. They probably wonder of you why you have stayed together at all; they certainly know you sleep in separate rooms and cannot stand the sight of each other.

Re the job I would not go back to that and find another place of employment.

Thank you all for your messages. I know deep down this is what I need to do...the job issue is a lot easier to walk away from, but walking away from my dead marriage is a lot more tough with kids and a house involved. I fear being and managing on my own completely, as we depend heavily on each other with school runs, chores, etc. But continuing living like this is killing me and I think I am on a verge of a break down.

Anniegetyourgun how did you get through this? Do you have kids?

I just feel like I need to step into new shoes and get a new life ASAP. It would have been easier to do before I had kids, but I always had hope we'll fix our issues, but things have only got worse and distance has only grown...

I've had a few doctors appointment recently which he knows about but has never asked me what they were for or even if I'm ok. I told him I'm looking for another job but he has not asked why. I was at my mum's yesterday and returned late at night, but I could have easily been dead on the street and he wouldn't have noticed as he made no effort to find out where I was and when I returned home after 9pm he was already in his bed upstairs...he's happy to live life this way but I hate it and it has been eating away at me for years but now it has made me feel so broken and down and now in my early 40's I feel I have left things too late and I'll never find a decent man to hold my hand for the rest of my life and be my life long support and best friend... I have no friendship either with my husband, we simply live a partnership for convenience of raising our kids...we communicate more by messaging or email, which is very minimal...

If I had no kids I would have gone travelling for a little while on my own. My husband was my first boyfriend who I got engaged to 2 years after dating, I had just turned 21, and I had so much dreams with him and expected him to help me grow into the person I am meant to be. I wanted to go travelling with him, learn new skills or hobbies with him, you know do the things most couples do. We have done none if it solely as a couple. I arranged our honeymoon, the 2 holidays he arranged included his friends ...looking back I don't feel he committed to me.

Also, upon a friend's advice, I snooped on his phone earlier this year for the first time ever, and saw he's reconnected with a previous female friend (possibly an ex) and they were flirting with each other and he even said she looks sexy in her profile picture! God knows if he's been sexting girls whilst sleeping alone upstairs but it wouldn't surprise me as being a bloke, how is he able to get by without any sex for almost 2 years?!

I know the solution for me is to walk away but im so stuck right now as financially I may not survive if I'm about to quit my job. I have started job hunting but this job has given me great flexibility to help me with school runs but it has been at the expense of my health by working ridiculous amounts of constant overtime for free for the last 8 years and with taking criticism from my manager for this time...I have put up with this just to get by in life but with everything this all has taken a toll on me and I no longer feel strong to get by and I'm just so exhausted these last few months.

Just wish it was easy to get a new a life.

Musti thanks...May be getting a new job first would be better before I get a divorce ad I won't be able to work with the same amount of flexibility and this could be a little taster if my new working post divorce... I have told my husband he needs to help more with the school runs as I'm looking for another job and he has sent an email to his boss about this yesterday. May be being in a new job will make me feel a little happier and he may notice a positive change which could help bring us close again, but that is wishful thinking I have been doing for years with false hopes. My friend said I am clutching at last straws with him, desperately trying to find a way to stay in this long dead, loveless and lifeless marriage, which is true I hate to admit it, but a lot is at stake and I have given us over 9 years to try fix us but nothing is availing at all.

I just want to sleep for a few days or go away for a few days but I know the situations will be the same... life is sucks

Is there a possibility that you actually could have a few days away? With or without the kids? I found it impossible to think or breath in the house with him there, it was like a dense cloud was over everything

I would love to be on my own for a little while, doing nothing and not thinking of anything. I am so burnt out and exhausted from life and important aspects in mine like job and marriage...it's my kids that keep me going....I would feel guilty being away from them out of choice.

"My friend said I am clutching at last straws with him, desperately trying to find a way to stay in this long dead, loveless and lifeless marriage, which is true I hate to admit it, but a lot is at stake and I have given us over 9 years to try fix us but nothing is availing at all"

Why do you want to stay in this at all, that is something you should be asking yourself.

Your friend is right and you've also been stuck on the sunken costs fallacy (the last bit of the above is really that) and that has basically caused you to carry on making poor relationship decisions. A bad investment here is not going to suddenly turn good. You cannot fix this and what you have tried has not worked. Time to call a halt now to this dead relationship.

Do not continue to show your kids this loveless example of a marriage; do you want them to think that yes this is how people do treat each other in relationships?. Would you want this for them, no you would not. You should not either.

Better to be apart than to be so badly accompanied. One day your kids will grow up and leave home (and sooner rather than later particularly if you stay with him). Do not use or keep on using your kids to stay within this; they are no good reason at all for staying in a dead marriage. He also has every right to see them post you separating as do you.