Please hold my hand -- I feel so totally trapped

[usernamefromhell]

This is going to sound like such a bunch of first world problems but I feel like I'm stuck in an endless spin cycle which I can't break out of and its making me so depressed.

I'm separated (a few years) having walked out of an abusive marriage. My instigation and totally at peace with the marriage having ended apart from the fact that my ex is useless and gives me no support, financial or otherwise. Luckily I'm a high earner so can support myself and my child fine without him. My child is happy and settled and all is good on that front.

I'm in love with someone I work with, have been for a while. We have never been in a formal relationship but there have been various liaisons. Won't go into more detail for fear of outing myself but for various reasons its clear that there's no possibility of us being together. There are various technical hurdles but fundamentally the bottom line is he doesn't feel the same way about me that I do about him. He's now in a reasonably committed relationship and its eating away at me. I can't bear to think about it. I have dated other people but I find it such a joyless experience.

All the advice I've received so far has been to leave my job in order to get away from him and draw a line. I love my job, enjoy it far more than anything I've ever done and know nothing else which I am qualified to do would compare. Notwithstanding, for the sake of my mental health I tried to do this earlier this year but was offered so much money to stay put I literally couldn't refuse (this isn't intended to sound smug or boastful, its just a statement of fact to explain my circumstances). I thought at the time I could ride it out and deal with it in the interests of the other obvious benefits it brought.

I'm now stuck in this hideous catch 22 whereby I either remain in a situation which is very damaging for my mental health or leave for an uncertain and almost certainly less satisfying professional alternative, losing friends and much-needed security and a lot of money. My field of work is very niche and, while I could probably get another job in this niche it would be difficult to broaden out.

Tonight I feel close to suicidal about this. It probably sounds petty but I've been stuck in this rut for a period of years and feel all my options closing in on me. I can't find a way out of this and I'm sick of feeling like this.

Just wanted to talk to someone really -- there are very few people I can talk to in real life about it and I can't see a way out.

Horrible situation to be in. Perhaps try counselling to try to resolve your feelings about the work colleague? Or take the plunge and move elsewhere. Money isn't everything, and if you are feeling suicidal then action needs to be taken.

I agree with Sally op. There’s love/desire and then there’s obsession. What does this person have that you need so desperately? Relationships are mutual, it sounds like you’ve got a crush that has got out of hand & he is or has taken advantage of that. I’ve felt very upset, almost vertiginous about ‘relationships’ in the past and they were always unhealthy. Please don’t sabotage yourself, your livelihood and you security for anyone else.

Likely in future you’ll look back on this time and be amazed you were so upset. If you’ve been in an abusive relationship you might be self sabotaging - not allowing yourself a healthy, mutual relationship for some reason?

So your sometime lover already has a partner? This doesn't make him a good prospect for full time partner anyway really does it. Because he would do exactly the same to you.

With regard to your mental health, having a relationship with such a poor partner would not benefit you in any way. Are you possibly suffering from depression or is it that you cannot get this man out of your head? Because they are very different things. You can do a depression check list online I believe and then you might consider talking to your GP for treatment. It is very different now and much shorter term with lots of treatment centering less on medication and more about how you can cope and treat yourself.

If it is about this man, then I think perhaps you just have to let it work through your system. In 6 months perhaps you will acknowledge that you don't know what you saw in him in the first place. Keep yourself and your mind busy, try new things, have a holiday, do something new and things you enjoy.

If you are seriously suicidal please call the Samaritans tonight.

Thanks everyone

MitchDash it's about this guy -- its an unhealthy obsession. My mental health overall is OK, I think, taking into account the general stress levels in my life. I did have counselling after the end of my marriage.

The thing is that I've had this obsession for over three years. It's waxed and waned but basically I haven't been able to think about anyone else. It hasn't even been a particularly active situation - a handful of liaisons over that period and just for clarification it has never overlapped with his current partner. It's just an obsession. I know it's unrealistic and unhealthy. I was married for nearly 10 years and my marriage was pretty bad for the last 4/5 of those and I think its just that he's the only person I've met really in the past decade who I've really felt something for.

I've tried dating other people but none of them have come close to making me feel the way I do about him. I'm totally aware that this is probably limerence and that we're probably not suited, I just can't snap out of it.

swimminguphill I recognise what you say about this being an unhealthy obsession and you're probably right. The thing is it's not as simple as "allowing" yourself a healthy relationship. I'm a divorced single mother and I can very rarely get out so my only option for meeting other people is OD and we all know what a bear pit that is. Since starting to do it I've met only a small handful of people I've even vaguely liked and for various reasons none of them have worked out so it's not like I can swing off into the sunset and choose someone else to take my mind off.

BTW in general I'm very happy being single -- not looking to get into a relationship for its own sake, I am just hopelessly obsessed with someone I can't have and who I'm forced to deal with on a daily basis.

Mitch I hope I’m not coming across as blaming you or suggesting the situation is easy to get out of, but while you’re obsessed with the guy you can’t have it makes that other reality basically moot doesn’t it?

And if your desire/dissatisfaction focuses on him then you don’t focus on you - sorry sounds like cod psychology but as he basically isn’t in this situation as he’s not into you, you can project anything you want onto him. I think counselling might be worth a try as the other options are basically bonkers...

Sorry by ‘other reality’ I mean your single/working mum situation which I recognise is pretty sucky

The fact that you are sick of feeling the way that you do is surely a good sign?
Now is the time to break free of your obsession, when you can see how damaging it is for you.

You know in your heart that suicide would be wrong, apart from what would happen to your son, why throw away your life on someone who doesn't really care for you?

Do you have a lot of time on your hands, to sit and fret about him? Have you seen your GP about your depression?

What you need is a plan, you say you are in a niche job, what about studying to broaden the scope of your expertise and so give you more job choice in the future?
Or learning something completely different, like how to tango or rock climb?

Keep your chin up!

swimminguphill was that directed at me or Mitch? wasn't totally clear from your post.

I'm not sure I understand what you mean about the other situation being moot. I'm not projecting anything onto him particularly. I'm totally aware that I feel more for him than he feels for me -- not in denial about this. I just can't help feeling obsessed and stuck and unwanted and miserable.

Ada I have no childcare at all unless I pay for it, so hobbies are next to impossible for me. I don't have a lot of time on my hands at all, I work about 60 hours a week and when I'm not working I'm with my child.

Thanks as your advice was well thought through and well intentioned but it's not nearly as simple as you make it sound.

Could you see a therapist/counsellor. You know yourself that this obsession is unhealthy. It's also preventing you from forming another relationship.

moredoll I have seen a therapist about this, a couple of years ago, but maybe its time to go back. I don't feel I've really moved on from it.

Sorry for you! I agree with Moredoll!

No job is worth you taking your own life and leaving your son an orphan. Quit tomorrow. You'll feel better immediately.

NadiaLeon I can't quit tomorrow - my child (girl not a boy btw) is totally dependent on me financially. I know you're trying to help but that's not a solution. I may need to find another job but walking out of this one with nowhere to go helps no-one.

username You say yourself that you are well paid, spend some of that money on helping yourself.
Does your child not spend time with the father at all?

I've been a single parent working full time, so I know it's not easy to find time to do other things, but you are on a slippery slope here, and you need to make a sea-change in your life and attitude before you sink.

Ada her father basically refuses to do any childcare. He will do absolute bare minimum -- he'll grudgingly do the odd pick-up from the childminder if I'm stuck but won't ever take her overnight or even take her out of the house at weekends and feels that I shouldn't go out and leave her at all. If I want childcare I either have to beg favours of friends or pay for it. I am well paid but a lot of my salary already goes on childcare.

I do recognise that I need to do more things for me but its virtually impossible at the moment.

Well, the father sounds like an obnoxious fool, and one who is still trying to bully and control you!

Have you heard of The Freedom Programme? It might be worth looking into for you. You can do it on line, there is a charge but it's only a few pounds.

Remember, nothing lasts forever.

Ada you're absolutely right about her father.

I've heard of the freedom programme but thought that was more aimed at people who had just emerged from abusive relationships? I'm willing to give it a whirl anyway if you think it will help...

I had an unhealthy relationship with someone unavailable and unavoidable in the same industry as me many years ago. At the time I saw a ‘life coach’ who was predominantly supposed to help with business development but my fixation on this feckless idiot was stopping my career development - so we discussed this issue instead...

What she told me to do was this:

Write down the top 20 attributes of your ideal partner.

(do this before you move on)

Look at your list (mine had ‘funny’, ‘sexy’, ‘gets on with my friends’, ‘faithful’, ‘honest’, ‘ into me’ etc etc - some friends I’ve done this with have had ‘ ‘nice abs’, ‘wealthy’, ‘intelligent’ - whatever...just what you think your perfect man would be like/look like/behave like in a relationship.

Now take that list, tick the five most important things...

These are non-negotiables, the others are bonuses.

Does the disinterested, with someone else, clearly not that into you man you are obsessed with honestly meet your top 5 criteria? For me, ‘faithful’ and ‘thinks I’m brilliant’ into that category - so it was a no for that loser.

Surely faithful/honest/trustworthy and into you above all others comes in fairly high for most of us if you have any self-respect - I’m sure you are worth more than he is willing to give you so maybe time to look at him with a little perspective & move on? It was a light bulb moment for me - he wasn’t good enough & I realised that & moved on...hope you can do the same OP.

chipsandgin that sounds sensible. I've sort of done this exercise in my head a few times before and it works for short periods of time but it has never really cleared things up for me.

Maybe I'll do it in the more concrete way you suggest.

I just read the thread.

I think it's great you have a good income because it means you can get an excellent therapist & stick with it for as long as need be.

You shouldn't have to leave your job, friends, security etc as you say ...

But I think your feelings around this are too complex to unlock here. Lots of therapy needed. You'll get through this & you'll get over him but first, you have to try hard.

(I appreciate it's always easy to give advice & when it's your own life it's a darn sight harder).

The list idea will help.
I'm sure most of what you've built him up to be is in your head.
And if he's not into you then that's a huge sign OP that he's not the one for you. He doesn't appreciate you that way.
You deserve someone who wants to know you and have a relationship with you.
The fact your not letting others get close is ok - it means you have standards and they haven't met them. Yes they aren't the same as him and that's what your after....I get that. Just means you haven't met the one better than him yet.

God what a tricky situation
I get the job thing.

I sense a lot of shame from you. That you can’t just get over it, that it affects your health, that it’s stopped you meeting someone else, and the most basic, that he’s with someone else

All these things are holding you back. And I think you need to find a really good therapist and stick with it, it’s not going to be all about him. There are a lot of not great therapists out there, so really work out what you think you need from one.

If he’s done the pick you up and drop you thing for 3 years then you’ve been conditioned by him, it’s an addiction, your body physically will struggle to get over it.
It’s a thousand times harder to move on from.

In an ideal world you would change jobs. But you can’t. So you’ve got to dig really deep and with someone to work out why you are treating yourself so badly.

I'm doing some work on codependency which is helping me look at why I tend to go for unhealthy relationships. I'd highly recommend melody beattie- especially the workbook lesson 5. Hope this or something else helps.