Help

[lostandlonelyx]

I've been in a relationship for 2 years. Known him for 10 years previous.

We've had ups and downs, a lot more downs than ups. He tells me I'm annoying, has called me fat and ugly, promises me thinks and breaks his promises to me, tells me I ruin everything for him and make him not want to spend time with.

He has a massive drink problem. Would drink every night if he could afford it, stays out til 4 in the morning taking drugs on week nights and weekends. He will start an argument and carry it on the next day and when the drink/hangover has worn off he's nice again.

On the other hand, when he's in a good mood he's lovely, the kindest person to be a round and would do anything for anyone.

I know it's a toxic relationship and I know it needs to end, but why is it so hard?!

It’s an addiction and like any other, you don’t want to think about the bad bits when you are enjoying it.

You may well be codependent - especially if your parents also had alcohol issues or addictions run in your family. Being addicted to a shit relationship is every bit as damaging and life-destroying as any other addiction.

You need to go cold turkey and get some counselling so that you don’t end up settling for such an arsehole again next time.

Spend a bit of time taking care of yourself, building your self esteem, being thankful for the good things in your life (spoiler alert - he’s not one of them) and get him out of your system once and for all. You deserve better than this - not because I think you’re a lovely person (you may well be, but I don’t know you from Adam!) but because you’re a human being with feelings.

Everyone deserves to feel loved and happy when they’re with their significant other, not be insulted and disappointed.

I never thought of it as an addiction. I'm not sure why but this makes sense.

It's so hard to block someone completely when you've spent the last few years completely opening up to someone, telling the every secret about yourself, trusting them fully and speaking every day. I know it's what I have to do.

Everyone deserves to feel loved and happy when they're with their significant other, not be insulted and disappointed. - this hit home a lot. Thank you x

Everyone deserves to feel loved and happy when they’re with their significant other, not be insulted and disappointed.

Not sure why that last bit was in there twice?!

I have a really useful book - Codependency For Dummies! I’d be happy to post it to you if you PM me your address. I know how it feels - I even went to a CODA meeting (like AA but for shit relationships!) but I felt a bit of a fraud being there as everyone had other addiction issues and traumatic pasts which might explain why they struggled with relationships. I just had cripplingly low self esteem and bad taste in men!

Honestly, once you value yourself more highly and get this loser out of your life you will be so much happier - but like anything, getting over that hurdle is hard. You can do it

In the meantime there’s lots of useful info online about codepency if you feel like that strikes a chord with you.

Thank you so much!

I can't work out how to DM on the app! I'll message you once I've figured it out haha!

That's exactly the same as me, bad taste in men and very very low self esteem, I use to be so confident and fun and now I have no confidence and don't want to do anything or go anywhere.

I hope I can, it just feels so hard at the moment. xx

Wow MyRelationshipIsWeird - you've hit the nail on the head, I've just had a google and everything that is said on Co-dependency I can relate too....x

Well step one is acknowledging that you have a problem so ✅

I’ve sent you a PM

Thank you! Xx

Turn your mobile off and do not look at it. Keep yourself busy all the time, douse yourself in work if you have to, do overtime, be around other people, go running, tire yourself put so when you get home all you wanna do is eat and sleep. You'll soon be too busy to even remember. Keep your mind busy so that your not thinking about him. Your life revolves around him it shouldn't. Also go and get a haircut, something different, or just get ot cut a little shorter than usual, the compliments you get will give you the confidence you need to start believing in you. Talking from experience.x

I know I need to find a hobby that I enjoy. But the thing is I don't even know where to start.

I've neglected myself so much over the past few years I don't even know what I enjoy anymore

Hi @lostandlonelyx

How are you doing today? Hope you had a nice weekend taking care of yourself. Sorry I haven't posted the book yet, just packaging it up for you, but hopefully this will bump your post for some more advice xx

Sorry @MyRelationshipIsWeird - I didn't realised you'd posted!

Not great today, having a bit of a bad time. Just want to curl up in bed and not face anyone!

Thank you so much again, I'm hoping the book will help! xx

oh no. Well if that’s what you feel like doing, take some time to do it. You’re grieving in a sense so you do need to be kind to yourself. Did the book arrive yet?

Sorry, I need to sort my notifications out!

The book hasn't arrived yet but I've got a missed parcel slip at the post office that I'm going to collect tomorrow, so I'll send you a message when I get it, thank you!xx

I was just thinking of you yesterday and wondering if it had arrived.

Make sure you take some ID with your first name on as I didn’t have your surname! If they won’t hand it over just ask them to redeliver it - it should have fitted through the letterbox, so not sure why they didn’t!

How are you doing?

Thank you! I'm off to the post office to get it this morning with my ID so I should be able to get it, thank you so much again!

Not great, but it hasn't been too long so hopefully this is the worst it will get... just need to keep myself busy I think! x