I'm a paranoid, jealous, anxiety ridden mess!

[InsertUsernameHeree]

Been with DP quite a while now. Never had any issues in relation to trust. He's never cheated so far as I know (I just don't see him being the type) and I've never either of course.

We've been TTC lately and I've suffered 3 miscarriages so far. Since then I've been some irrational, paranoid woman who just can't seem to believe him when he says he loves me.

I'm CONVINCED he'll leave me eventually. He's started getting rather upset with me for asking him to tell me he won't etc... I can feel myself getting irritating but I'm just so full of anxiety about our relationship that I can't help it. I'm constantly seeking reassurance from him.

I was never like this before and he's never given me reason to doubt him. It's like I feel like I've failed baby wise and so why would he love me?

He has a child with his ex and I just hate the thought of them going through this together. I hate it when she comes round to drop DS off because I just don't want to picture them having the experience of a child together which we might never share. Im completely jealous and it's so ridiculous I feel a fool for even typing this. It's embarrassing. I feel a desperation I've never experienced before to hold onto something that I'm not even losing, I just don't understand why I'm torturing myself like this.

You're hormonal. When I was TTC with my ex I was enraged at anyone who had had more than 2 children (their fair share.)

Actually I'm menopausal by now and still get enraged, but I recognise its my bitterness to swallow.

I dont know if im being thick, as i was a kid so i cant remember the details but my mum had a miscarriage and it really effected her hormones, she had to have HRT i think it is. I remember her moods being mentioned so could be similar?

Do you have an outlet for these feelings? Are you able to rant to a trusted friend?

I was exactly like this when pregnant, so hormones are possibly playing a part here. Also, if you are feeling anxiety about TTC you might be projecting them onto your relationship (something you can in theory control slightly more easily) and so you're getting scared about that instead as an outlet for your feelings about TTC.

It might be worth seeing a counsellor individually so you have a safe space to talk all this out and so that you don't alienate DP. It also helps to get another perspective and that can help to shrink the anxiety down. I know how distressing those kinds of feelings can be, I have had them a few times and I didn't realise until I looked back that they were tied in to my mental health taking a bit of a nosedive.

Thanks all. I have considered counselling. I'm not really sure how to go about it though. I guess I just google nearby?!

Hormones sound likely considering my circumstances I suppose. We've been trying for less than a year and I've already had 3 pregnancies so it's reasonable to say my hormones are probably going haywire. I seem to get back on track and them I'm pregnant again and it all starts over.

I don't want to push him away and I know this kind of behavior must be frustrating for the other party. I just feel like I need him to tell me constantly that he's not going anywhere (he does often) but even then its never enough for me to believe.

I see people commenting on here about 'gut instincts' etc... And I panic and think what if I'm subconsciously picking up something. I feel like I'm doing the pick me dance when there isn't even a competition going on! I sound like I'm going mad.. I am! :(

@Anon90 I do have some good friends but I feel a a bit repetitive going on to them about stuff. I think it's hard for them to know what to say when you talk about miscarriage. Especially when they've never gone through it before.