utterly useless DH rant

[Viola82]

I’m 28w pregnant with our first baby, working full time doing same hours as DH (usually 8:30-6pm).
As we moved some time ago to a bigger house, there is still loads of things to change/upgrade from: choosing/ordering rest of furniture, changing appliances (dishwasher/washing machine), organising builders, deliveries. There is a long list (which I’ve drafted of course). On top of that I’m doing driving course (obviously I found it and booked) and our anantal classes are about to start (which of course I found and booked), which mean I will be leaving home at 7:30 and coming back 10pm or 9pm most of the weekdays and I will have classes during weekend as well. Again 28w pregnant.
Apart from that I take care of the house, day-to-day life, all baby stuff (from choosing a pushchair to reading about pregnancy/birth/childcare ect). I buy stuff on ebay/gumtree which saves us a lot of money but is time consuming (for me).
In the meantime I’m also buying a flat on behalf of my mum (she wants to move closer to us) and selling her properly abroad that requires redecoration so I’m dealing with builders abroad too.
I asked DH to look for holidays, as I simply don’t have time and it’s easy and pleasant task to do (while I’m looking for a plumbers and electricians because I know what needs to be done!). He came back on the holidays topic with a very expensive package. Within 15min research I can find the same hotel/very similar flights on the same days 25%-30% cheaper!
I’m so tired. I’m so p* off. I’m trying to save us money (we share all expenses 50/50) as I’m making 50% less than he is. I’m so fed up and scared what will happen when we’ll have a baby? I have no help whatsoever :/

What do I do? How do I manage him? We had countless conversations (arguments) on the topic, he thinks I’m bringing him down and I just can’t do it all myself anymore..

If you earn less than him, why do you pay 50:50 and not a percentage?

You do have help. You just don't like what he did when you asked him to do something. You either have to trust him to do something and accept it is not how you would do it or do everything yourself.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. And you have taken on a lot of tasks that someone else could do or at least be more help with. Would you consider a cleaner to help with housework? An extra expense but well worth it if it frees up some time for you. If you delegate house work tasks can your DP help with those? With new appliances can he research and narrow it down to a choice of 2/3 and then all you have to do is pick one/find the cheapest supplier which saves u research time. Also, you need to prioritise to some degree. Some things can wait. By putting less important things to the bottom of the list you will (hopefully) feel less overwhelmed. Your days are super long by the sound of it.. you really need to build in some 'me' time where you focus just on you and try and put those things out of your mind for some protected time. And enjoy your time to yourself before the baby arrives. I like to be in control (not in a controlling way, but like to have researched all the options etc which is exhausting) and I have found relaxing and just allowing someone else to do it is totally acceptable. It is hard to let go of it, but it helps. Sorry for the long post, just sounds relatable to some degree

Tbh OP it sounds like lots of the things you’re doing don’t need to be done right now or be done by you!

Why isn’t your mum dealing with her builders and flat etc?

Do you really need to drive right now? Also as that’s something for you, I wouldn’t add that to the shared task list.

You’re buying things on eBay yet want to replace all your appliances, is this necessary right now?

So you earn less but pay 50/50? Why? If you are going to pay 50 % plus all the baby extras then you will be broke. And your dh wont, so I guess he can afford nice holidays.

You need to drop balls. What is the furniture? Can you just not get any of it? Are baby expenses joint? If not get him to get something , give him the criteria list it has to meet. If it doesn’t meet that return it. Don’t accept sub par behaviour. Tell him he cooks dinner on Thursdays now and it can’t just be takeaway as that still leaves you solely responsible for healthy eating.

Also don’t feel bad about staying in bed weekends even if he wants to go somewhere . You need to rest in your spare time if you are doing all this .

If you earn 50% less than he does, why are you splitting bills 50:50?

As you are married, thank god you have legal protections to prevent him doing any of the "my house" shit.

Honestly I don't know what to suggest - maybe ask him why he thinks you need to take all the mental load and he doesn't?

Search for the mental load comic and give it to him. His response will pretty much tell you all you need to know.

You're doing way too much. It might be partly the "nesting" instinct, and it's probably the "people pleaser" in you (to please your DM and the DH). You need to cut back on what you're doing. You must be exhausted!

But I agree with the other posters that if you're earning 50% of what the DH earns, you should be contributing the same percentage (not the same amount). You are married, after all!