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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Refuge, recovery and regret.

18 replies

thelaststraw123 · 06/09/2018 15:22

I've been in a refuge for a week tomorrow.

I have fled a controlling and coercive relationship.

Today I don't feel strong at all. I miss him and deep down I know I want to be with him.

Think I just need a handhold and some support.

I've come a long way since I've been here, but can't understand why I miss him so much 😢 It's breaking my heart

OP posts:
BasicUsername · 06/09/2018 15:38

Of course you miss him. When you spend part of your life with someone, it's natural to miss them.

However, what you are missing are the good parts. The good bits alone don't make the whole relationship. Think about why you left, all of the things he did that pushed you to this point.

It's scary to be alone at first, BUT it sounds like you have done exactly the right thing in leaving him.

You deserve a good relationship that makes you happy. You will only get that by looking forward, and focusing on your future.

You won't be in a refuge forever.

Don't go back.

There is a lot of support on MN, and a lot of people who have been through similar situations. There are people here at all hours of the day for a handhold when you need one. Stay focused on why you left, and what you want from your future.

Chin up.

springydaff · 06/09/2018 15:57

Hold on my darling, this will pass. It really does pass - wait for it to pass.

There are addictive elements to abusive relationships - the abuser uses brainwashing techniques to great effect. To that end, take this a day at a time. Just see to today - today you don't have to see him.

The craving for him will go and in its place you'll get your life back. That's a promise 🌸

RivanQueen · 06/09/2018 16:51

Write down a list of all the things he did that brought you to the point of leaving him. Look at it at times like these when you aren't feeling strong and thinking about going back. You're so much stronger than you think, you got out. I bet there were a lot of times you thought you never would but you did it! You never have to go back, that little voice telling you that you want to is really his voice and you don't need to listen to it. Take each day as it comes, Flowers and Brew and a hand hold for you. You can do this.

blueangel1 · 06/09/2018 16:53

If you're in a refuge now, then you weren't in a healthy relationship. Please look up "trauma bonding" as it sounds like you are being affected by it.

ahYerWill · 06/09/2018 17:08

I left an abusive relationship and honestly it was like giving up an addiction. I knew it was fucking up my life, but I still missed it/him and struggled in those first few weeks.

It does pass, but it will take time. You've done the hardest bit already. Just take it one step at a time and trust that you've chosen the path to a happier future, even if it sucks right now.

pointythings · 06/09/2018 17:56

It takes time to detach, and in an abusive relationship it is even harder because your sense of self is so damaged. Allow yourself to grieve for the loss of what you thought you had. Get help and support for your feelings. Rebuild yourself and come back stronger.

Butterfly44 · 06/09/2018 18:01

No experience to offer but just a hand hold. Look at all the great advice so far .....the list is a great idea... you're doing so well. You are grieving a life you were conditioned to, but it wasn't a happy one. You won't be in this place forever. 💐

HereIgoagainxx · 06/09/2018 18:18

I think it can be hard to let go of a relationship, even an unhealthy one, because even if it was unhealthy there was still a sense of belonging, being a part of something. I'm recently single, although it wasn't an abusive relationship, and sometimes I feel sad about being on my own, fighting all my own battles.... That's the only time I feel sad x

Stay strong, this will pass x

Fadingawayagain · 06/09/2018 20:50

I was in a refuge for 6 weeks. At first I was so angry and scared. I hated him I hated what I had to resort to. I left my home town and went over 3hrs away into a rural place I hated everything about it. And then after a few weeks and being around people who were in a much worse situation than me I missed him so much I missed my life back home and I felt desperately lonely and homesick. It seemed like a lot of the women in there only wanted to talk about their experiences and it was bringing me down because I thought I was going to be able to regather and recoperate. Overall it was a horrible experience (with what was going on in my mind) in that time he made contact and the loneliness made me believe his sorrys and never gonna donit agains were real. I moved out and let him come back into my life. Fast forward to now, he never changed and I had to go through a lot to get rid of him for good one last time and believe me I am a lot happier. I just wish I didn’t let him back because I delayed my moving on and away phase by getting back with him. It hasn’t been long since he has been out of my life completely but I already feel in a different head space and I don’t miss him at all! My advice to you is, stay there, get to grips with yourself, block him out completely and go through the motions. It’s very hard but if you don’t push through those negative thoughts and feelings then eventually you will have a delayed reaction and could potentially have a negative impact on you in the future. There is a lot of support in refuges (some of)!and even the women I really didn’t want to hear from in my time of depression, looking back gave me a lot of insight. Good luck and keep going it will all be brighter in the end x

Original poster
thelaststraw123 · 13/09/2018 00:13

Well I'm nearly at 2 weeks in refuge now. Given up contact and blocked ex. Feeling strong and actually beginning to live life again! It's empowering! Amazing the change I feel in myself now!!

OP posts:
Fuckingnamechanging · 13/09/2018 00:34

Oh good girl! When I read your first post, I was concerned that you would go back to him.
The best part of your life begins now Star

BasicUsername · 13/09/2018 11:13

Oh I am so pleased to hear your update @thelaststraw123 !

I'm glad that you are feeling a bit better about things now, and that you have blocked your horrible ex.

Time to look forward to your future!

RivanQueen · 13/09/2018 11:58

That's great to hear @thelaststraw123! Keep on keeping on, every day it will keep getting better. Wine and Cake for you Smile

SelfCareAndKindness · 13/09/2018 16:19

It's that bloody great cliche - time, it's all it is. I'm three months down and recovery feels lovely Thanks

Original poster
thelaststraw123 · 14/09/2018 23:33

I made it to 2 weeks. I'm going to keep updating here as it helps me to clear my mind sometimes.

I feel so proud of myself for finally putting myself and my feelings first. I was giving him the power to hurt and control me, but I have taken that power back and it feels awesome!

OP posts:
blueRinser2002 · 15/09/2018 11:41

Hi Op
Firstly , very well done to you . It’s hard some days and you’re right to be proud of yourself. You are really strong as it’s even harder in refuge with less contact to the people around . I have attached something which helps me even now . I keep it in my phone and look at it now and again . Keep talking to us . Xx

Refuge, recovery and regret.
womanformallyknownaswoman · 16/09/2018 07:07

Well done - abusive men have a way of twisting love and abuse - and diminishing the woman.

You'll come to see even the times he professed love, he was actually reeling you back in for further diminishing. Stay strong!!

springydaff · 16/09/2018 09:27

Well done op. So delighted to hear you've got through that sticky time. Onwards and upwards to your lovely freedom Flowers

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