9-month rough patch - despairing

[Goodvibes12]

I’ve been with my DP for four years. Since the beginning of this year things have been rough between us. He lost his dad four years ago and in this last year has been particularly sensitive around things like Christmas/significant anniversaries when he never was before. He has also been incredibly stressed at work. I put my foot in it really badly last Christmas by offloading about something I was worried about (I suffer with excessive anxiety) when he was feeling low about his dad, and just didn’t realise that it was a bad time. Since then things haven’t been the same and I made things worse on what would have been his dad’s birthday by getting hysterical about something else I was worried about, even though I knew I shouldn’t. That was about a month ago and he has been incredibly distant and lacking in affection since - we just came back from a week’s holiday when we didn’t have sex once, though we generally got on. We’ve talked about breaking up but have committed to staying together as long as we can change - however, the changes all relate to me managing my anxiety better and tuning in better to how he’s feeling - nothing’s on him. I feel desperately anxious that things won’t change - I’ve made an appointment to see a therapist and pinning all my hopes on that. Just very aware that this has already been going on for so long and nothing has changed yet. Has anyone else been through anything similar?

While it is sad he has lost his dad, it doesn’t mean you can’t have your own emotions.

I have lost my dad, my husband who hasn’t , is entitled to kid off if he has a bad day.

Therapy sounds good for you to help with your anxiety. But I think he needs to go to help him deal with his grief so it doesn’t take over

Therapy sounds good for you - it also sounds like it might be a good idea for him too. Is this something he is considering?

It's not just about your managing your anxiety better, it's also about him managing his grief better.

As said above, you are entitled to have emotions too.

Yeah I agree, I just seem to have them at the wrong times. It’s strange because he supported me so well in the few years immediately after his dad died, but the well of sympathy seems to have run dry.

He won’t get therapy unfortunately, he’s quite old-fashioned and doesn’t believe in it, but I think he also hasn’t realised that he is struggling with the grief. I’ve also begged him to try couples therapy with me but he refuses.

Why haven't you had therapy on your own ?
If someone had had a meltdown about something I struggled to understand on my parents anniversary of their death, even as an empathetic person I would struggle with it.
Living with someone with severe anxiety is bloody hard and you feel you always have to be super empathetic all the time.
Though on the flip side if he's not interested in doing therapy then you're a bit stuck. because there are clearly problems

I'm no psychiatrist but it sounds like the stress of it being a significant date is triggering your anxiety around that time? Maybe sit down with your dh and talk to him about his feelings and your feelings and maybe talking it through will help you both?

Yeah, I think the fact that it was the anniversary made it harder because I was trying so hard to bottle everything up. I tried to talk to him about it but I think it’s still a bit raw - might have to wait for the right time. Thanks for the advice.