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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Emotional abuse?

34 replies

Lu234 · 06/09/2018 10:31

So my partner of 2.5 years seems to have had a change in behaviour just recently.

It started a number of months ago and I'm now questioning whether this is getting to the "emotional abuse" stage.

I can't see family/friends without having calls every 10 minutes checking on where I am or when I'll be home.

I've been asked to not talk to male friends. If they appear anywhere on my phone, he loses his mind.

He flies off the handle if I ask him to do something... especially if I have to ask more than once!!

Just recently he's started name calling and being nasty. I have a condition that makes it hard for me to string sentences together and slows me down cognitively. It's becoming a common reluctance for him to call me "retarded, stupid, slow" etc.

He accuses me of "raising my voice"/talking to him like a "tw*t" when I feel that I'm talking normally to him. Given, this always happens when I'm asking him to do something or I answer his (suspicious type) questions slightly defensively.

He's managed to hack into my Facebook and Instagram many times (I repeatedly have to change my passwords) and says that I've logged in to them on his phone once so that's why it's showing as his phone and he's getting the notifications. I know full well that I haven't logged onto his phone with any of my social media accounts. He's spying.

Honestly, the list of arguments I've been logging is as long as my arm.

I can't cope with it anymore and it's doing my mental health condition no good. But when things are good, they're really good.

I live with this guy and we recently got engaged. I'm due to marry him at the start of next year.
I can afford to live on my own (I pay 100% of our rent) but I rely on him massively because of my physical disability and my mental health.

I don't know what I'm asking here. I suppose I just need some advice and opinions on the situation.

OP posts:
Pidlan · 06/09/2018 10:32

leave him NOW. This cannot be good for your mental health.

RivanQueen · 06/09/2018 10:45

RUN!!! Get out now while you're not married to him and have DC's with him. He is abusive and I think you know that. He is cruel calling you such nasty names. Has all this started since you agreed to marry him? People like him escalate when they think they have you trapped, it will only get worse once you actually marry him.
Are you both on the lease? If not you can kick him out. If you are speak to your landlord and see what you can do about getting just yourself on the lease or getting you taken off the lease so you can find a new place.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/09/2018 10:46

He will further wreak your mental health and life if you stay with this abusive man. The nice bits you see with him are really a part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that cycle is a continuous one.

The relationship is really now at an end because of his control of you; controlling behaviour like you describe him doing is abusive in nature.

Where are your friends and family here; can you enlist their support also in helping you leave this man?. You certainly cannot marry him now, let alone facilitate paying his rent in full.

Fishface77 · 06/09/2018 10:46

Wtaf!
Raise you standards and kick him out. You might struggle but that’s better than loving with this piece of shit.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/09/2018 10:47

As well as talking to your landlord talk to Womens Aid as well on 0808 2000 247. They can also help you.

Movablefeast · 06/09/2018 10:50

Lu234 I have been married to my husband for 22 years and he has never done a single item on your list. He is always respectful and kind.

Please get away from this abusive man as soon as possible.

babygoose48 · 06/09/2018 10:54

Do you really want to marry this man?

Honestly my partner emotionally manipulates me, but very slyly and its barely noticeable and I've recently realised I wouldn't ever marry him because of it. However when I read up on yours, this seems way more worse that my own situation it makes mine look like a saint (he is not!).

I hope you find the strength to realise this is not healthy and reconsider whether its something you want to spend the rest of your life putting up with.

Much love to you x

loveyoutothemoon · 06/09/2018 11:00

BIN!!!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/09/2018 11:14

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.

Why are you paying 100% of the rent?

End this now. He is an abusive twat and you deserve better.

user1467232073 · 06/09/2018 11:15

How old is he?

Lu234 · 06/09/2018 11:17

We're both 25.

OP posts:
Lu234 · 06/09/2018 11:17

He's a very low earner because he's self employed.
He does pay half of the utility bills and for his own food.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/09/2018 11:38

So what?. The fact he pays half the utility bills and buys his own food does not make him a better person here.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/09/2018 11:38

Make your 26th year on this planet a far happier one. It will only be so if he is not in your life in any way, shape or form.

Sinkingswimmer · 06/09/2018 11:44

His behaviour toward you is not 'getting to the emotional abuse stage', it's well and truly in it! He is attempting to control and manipulate you (I hope you ignore his unreasonable 'requests') and is directly abusive with his name calling. Don't take it and marry him. Imagine this, or worse, for the rest of your life.

Wellmeaning · 06/09/2018 11:49

Honestly OP, when you’re out of it and are all organised on the other side (have moved or kicked him out) you will truly wonder why you tolerated it for 2.5 years.

Well, not the whole time you’ve been together of course because it will have been all sweetness and light at first, and still is occasionally (just to keep you scratching your head) but really, you KNOW it is shit.
Hacking your social media? Calling you nasty names? Nope. It’s only going to get worse.
He’s a horrible shit of a person. Have nothing to do with him.

Ellapaella · 06/09/2018 11:55

Yes it's emotional abuse. He sounds awful - surely you can't imagine marrying this man?
It's only going to get worse.

hellsbellsmelons · 06/09/2018 12:13

WTF are you still with him?
Sorry but I just don't get it.
It's vile.
He's verbally abusive
He's emotionally abusive
He's controlling
He's isolating you

Please dump him.
He is no good for your mental health.
Think of yourself.

Get onto Womens Aid and do their Freedom Programme as soon as you can.
You need to learn to spot red flags far sooner and you need to learn to end things when they turn abusive.
That time is right now!

PookieDo · 06/09/2018 14:19

This man is essentially an abusive freeloading ‘carer’. He’s not caring for you though, he’s abusing you. If you need help and support with your disabilities I am sure that we could all try to point you in the right direction whether this is paid support or a befriending charity

You are not as trapped with him as you think. He’s totally taking advantage of you being vulnerable

pudding21 · 06/09/2018 14:29

This is coercive control and it is a crime.

Please do not marry him. Be careful with this post, turn off your notifications in case any one tags you. If you need to take your time to plan, do so. otherwise, leave him.

Marry him, and it will get worse.

Movablefeast · 06/09/2018 14:35

How do you get into a “relationship” with this man? Do you have family close by who are supportive?

Lu234 · 06/09/2018 14:52

I've been friends with him for 15+ years. He wasn't like this when we got together.

OP posts:
Lu234 · 06/09/2018 14:56

Unfortunately I am no longer in contact with either of my biological parents. I am an only child and my friends all went their separate ways after school / university. I am 100% alone in all of this.

OP posts:
MrsMozart · 06/09/2018 14:57

Either he has a medical issue, pr for some reason he's turned into a shit.

You really want to spend the rest of your life like this lass?

Treacletoots · 06/09/2018 14:59

Please listen to what everyone else has said. This man is treating you absolutely horribly and you DO NOT have to put up with it.

RUN! Run for your f* life.