Which hard is easiest? Long sorry,indecisive mind!

[whatsthetimemisterwolf]

I have been with my partner for 8 years and we have two children (18 months and 3.5) I feel like since we have been together,I have wanted to break up with him but haven't as yet.We have seen three different relationship counsellors.Earlier this year I saw a lawyer regarding separation and found it so upsetting that I came to the conclusion that I should try harder to have a positive relationship with him in an attempt to keep our family together.But things just don't seem to change.

We have had some awful arguments.He has told me our children deserve a better mother;that I am crazy; that no-one likes me.

Last year we built a house and he made all the big decisions.We have a big mortgage which means I need to work full-time and what I want is to have more time with the children. But he just yells and tells me I am lazy/ says he doesn't want to work either/ I should have brought more money to the relationship. So my ideals and what I want aren't a consideration.It makes me feel trapped.

In a practical sense,we manage to get everything done, and we do have some nice times as a family.He is not a terrible person, but certainly selfish and unsupportive.

Some friends have said that having small children can affect your relationship and that it will get easier.

This is my dilemna,I guess,trying to work out which option is best.I feel like my options are to break up (I wouldn't mind that option at all but he has told me he wouldn't agree to less than 50/50 custody and the thought of only having mu children half the time makes me feel sick) or spend my life living HIS life.

It is hard to imagine things will get better,but isn't it always when you are in the thick of it?

And I don't know,love isn't what I used to think it was - is it enough if we both love our children,and work as partners to give them a good life?Sometimes I think he is a bully and is starting to influence my thoughts,other times I am not so sure.I wonder if him refusing to negotaite custody is just another way to bully me into doing everything he wants as he knows it would break my heart to be without our som and daughter.

I have said some awful things to him too,so the nastiness isn't always from him.

Any thoughts would be so appreciated.I feel so ill equipped to be a grown up,daily.

Well you could work part time and do 50/50 and even though you'd see your children on fewer days, you'd see them more? Is he realistically going to look after the kids 50/50?

I think he would - he already only works part time and has lots of family who are willing to have the children. I don't have any family here.

Thanks for your reply - that's a good point.

If you're on the internet asking about your own relationship, that means you cannot communicate with him. There is no relationship without communication. End it. End it now.

but he has told me he wouldn't agree to less than 50/50 custody
All abusers say this.
Do not rise it.
If you actually said, 'Yeah, 50:50 sounds great. It means I could actually have a life. Get out and about and do a hobby and get some time to myself!' He would soon back pedal.
And if not... then you do actually get to do all of these things.
And he should take half the responsibility for his own DC.

Please understand that this is not healthy.
I would also guess that this is the tip of the iceberg.
He's abusive.
Please do call Womens Aid.
Have a chat with them and see what they say.
Keep trying because they are very busy.

Joint counselling with an abuser is never advised and certainly not something you should be doing.
Counselling on your own would be very good for you.

So he only works part time but expects you to work full time? And calls you lazy?

You say DP so you're not married? Is he on the birth certificates? Who is the main carer? You say he works part time? Does that mean he currently spends 50% or more time with them? If so you may want to address that balance. You really need advice from a solicitor on the likely outcome if you have to go to court over this.

Hopefully hellsbellsmelons is right and it's just a manipulation tactic but it won't hurt to have some facts under your belt.

And being a single mum is so, so much easier than living with a shit DP.

Your main error here has been in thinking that you at all need to try harder. You do not and besides which what has he done here exactly to improve relations?. Nothing as far as I can tell. He blames his partner like all abusive men do in such situations. Your own nastiness towards him is a reaction to him being awful towards you.

Did any of these three previous counsellors even allude to the fact that you are in an abusive relationship?.

You would be better off on your own even though you do not have any family here. Abusive men often use the children as a weapon as he has done here; he is using them by saying 50/50 because he knows how to hurt you the most. He really has no interest in them really, he is just saying that to hurt you more.

Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 can and will help you here leave this man. The Rights of Women organisation is also well worth contacting too.

As hellsbells has correctly surmised you are in an abusive relationship with this individual. You have no power or say in this at all; all the power and control here is his and he certainly does lord it over you and in turn your children.

It will do them no favours whatsoever to grow up thinking that yes this is how people treat each other in relationships. After all they are learning about relationships first and foremost from you both and this model is deeply unhealthy for them to witness.

Would you want them to have a relationship like yours is as adults; no you would not. Its not good enough for you either. Seek legal advice and plan your exit with care and due diligence. He will not make it at all easy for you to leave (because he will then have to put in the work to target another woman as you were yourself targeted) but the freedom from his day to day abuses of you will be worth it.

The children are in preschool 3 days weekdays, one with him and one with his mother.Then we are both home during weekends.He does all the pick ups and drop offs as I have to be at work. I am not sure if he sees them more than me as he is often out during weekends. We are not married and he is on both birth certificates.

Thank you for your replies.x

Man,you would think that when you give birth to someone's children,they would have a bit of appreciation for you!

If you’re still going around in circles after relationship counselling, it probably is time to call it a day, before you do/ agree to anything else that adds to your trapped feeling.

It’s time to stop waiting for him to be different and with regards to 50/50 care, why is it unfair for him to want this? Are your children being with their father 50% of the time not in there interests?

Man,you would think that when you give birth to someone's children,they would have a bit of appreciation for you!

What! Having children doesn’t entitle you to extra brownie points. If he was a dick before, children wasn’t going to change that. It sounds like you had some preconceived ideas of what motherhood would afford you.

From what you have described in your post the relationship is dead and you are abusive to each other. So it is toxic with no hope of improvement if you have already had counselling.

I don’t see how this is an option if you want your children to have a reasonably safe and secure childhood. Never mind the effect and risk to you. The separation is going to happen eventually and the longer you leave it, the more toxic it will get.

The decisions are about how you separate and how you coparent. If he has already demonstrated shock tactics in response to the suggestion be prepared for it to be an issue. However it is equally likely that reality will set in for him. A lot of men can’t go weeks without jumping into another relationship or daft hobby and suddenly find themselves time poor. If he carries on bullying in the separation then that is just a reflection of how he would be if you stayed together. You have nothing to lose by separating and a lot to gain.

There are benefits and downsides to 50/50 for both of you. It might be your least preferred option but think about how it could work for you financially, emotionally and practically. How would you spend quality time with the children, how you would have time for yourself and how you could decide on how you live and work. You will be a better person for it. Everybody who leaves a toxic relationship is, without question.

if he's on birth certificates he has parental responsibility. If he is the primary carer now and genuinely wants 50/50 he stands a better chance of getting it (even if that's only to punish you!). Work out how much time you each care for your children. If he's out weekends that's all to the good. Get legal advice!

The way I see it, you’re currently living only half a life, anyway.

Why not resolve to live the rest of it 100% by which I mean- at peace, living authentically, expressing yourself, enjoying your children, so they can get the best of you.

Don’t wait until you’ve become a miserable shell. Don’t wait until your children are older and face a bigger, more crisis-laden adjustment.

Go now.

That’s the easiest version of hard in my view.

I did it and my only regret is not doing it when the kids were smaller.

Thank you so much for all your replies. I defeinitely don't want to live a life where I am controlled. Such a shit storm to get through but hopefully it is worth it.

Ps.AgentJohnson,I think you have misunderstood me,but if it makes you feel proud to be rude to people who are clearly having a diffficult time,then that's more of a reflection of you than me.

Why does he work part time and you work full time?

His job is really flexible with hours and mine isn't,so he takes one day a week off to spend the day with the kids,and does drop offs and pick ups (so doesn't start work until 9 and finishes by 3).He also often goes to the gym during his work day,so works about 25 hours a week compared to my fulltime job.In a practical sense,it works,and he does a lot around the house.

I am just so frustrated that I can see other options for us where we could both be happy and he won't budge.I feel like I am being backed into a corner.

OP you appear to be saying you want different things, although I am not quite sure what that is. From what you have said it is about money, income and work/life balance. He won’t compromise and you resent it, hence the arguments. If you get him to compromise, he will resent it and more arguments. I know a couple who divorced for similar reasons. Both happy now and their children are more than great.
They split before it got too bitter so were able to make the split as painless as possible for the kids.

Don’t live a life you don’t want when you have a choice. Don’t make him live a life he doesn’t want either. Really can you imagine any compromise that you both could live with ? as opposed to one you wish he could live with. You know him, will it end the arguments and bitterness?

That is my fear - we agreed to build a new house with the possibility of selling.Now we are here,he refuses to consider other options. So if we did sell,I am sure he would always resent me for it. Thank you for your reply. X