How to gently let a friend go without hurting her feelings?

[Spazzzl]

How can I gently discourage contact with an old friend? I don't want to be such a rat as to ghost her, our paths may cross in the future. (live near each other). But it just isn't working for me. I've had massive life changes and at the time I was going through my turmoil she didn't want to know and kept a distance. Now I'm settled again she wants to pick up and carry on as before. But I'm living in entirely difference circumstances now and I don't want to go back to how things were. I'm not that person any more. I wish her well though, there's no animosity there. I've responded nicely to her messages over the last year but politely declined meeting. I don't think she has (m)any other friends. What else can I do?

I should have said, she keeps messaging me to meet.

Last year I wanted to end a friendship. I wrote her an email, asked her not to contact me so it didn't become an argument, then blocked her.
The relief was immense and I had no guilt tbh.

She isn’t a friend tho is she ? She was not there for you - so why feel the need to explain gentle to her - be gentle on yourself. Sounds like you have been through enough and have different priorities.
So you have 3 options:

1. Ghost her - you have repeatedly declined already but she isn’t getting the message. So just ignore 100%. She will finally give up. When your paths cross just treat her like a distant neighbor - friendly “Hi” keep moving / don’t stop.

2. Keep with the fade out - but give it a process and time limit before ghosting. Take a week to respond, don’t give info, be v brief - sorry I am busy. Give her 3-6 months of this then ghost.

3. Send a simple message to end it. Use “I” phrases so as not to offend. “I have been through a tough time / I am living in a different way / I have cut down my social time” etc

PS I have never done option 3 / would love to be that brave assertive. What would you say if you did?

I wish I had the relief that April has - being trying to shake someone off for 2 years and they have turned nasty!

You can’t do that without hurting her feelings, it’s intrinsically hurtful to be told that someone no longer wants to be your friend. There’s no way around it You’re better off blocking and ghosting because that way you don’t have to see the upset.

I think I would rather know the truth. Ghosting is just horrible.

I think ghosting is appalling. People are really hurt when they don't know why they've been cut off. The kindest thing is to tell her that you didn't feel supported when you really needed it and while you wish her well, your life is moving in a different direction. It would give her the heads up to look at her oen behaviour in future friendships. That's hard to do though and you might feel you don't owe her that, under the circumstances. So failing that, just continue to be unavailable and civil if you do bump into her. No other way really.

Tell her the truth, you don’t get a say if she’s hurt or not. Ghosting is appalling and very cowardly, be an adult.

Is there a reason she was not there for you? It may be that she couldn't be bothered to support you, but your situation, whatever it was, could have been triggering. Just putting it out there.

Just keep declining, she'll soon get it.

I had a 'friend' fade me on recently. Unlike your friend, I took the hint quickly and left her to it.

I would just carry on as you are, she eventually get the hint.

When he messages you to meet again just say something like "Honestly Sandra I wish you well and hope if we meet per chance we can stop and say hello but for me we don't have the friendship we once had so I really don't feel like I want us arrange a meeting. I wish you well and say this with no ill feeling at all, I just mean time has passed and I think our friendship has too. I feel being honest is better than making excuses not to meet, take care"