Don't know what to do!! Stay or go

[Miasdad]

My partner and I are second timers. She has trust issues because her husband did the dirty on her and my breakup was because of my ex's financial horror stories that nearly bankrupted me.

We've been together 7 years, she has 2 children 18 &16, I have one who doesn't want to see me,. We both work hard and it's fair to say her job is a little more stressful than mine. We have a pretty good lifestyle, we are not extravagant and we have no worries with things like money etc.

I still love her, well sometimes. She is very headstrong and any form of reply back in the way of defending myself is deemed a precursor to an argument. I'm not making excuses but I know that PMS plays a part in her moods sometimes and others it work, if it's not them then it's the stress of day to day life, and it's these times when i feel empty and very hurt.

It's not only directed at me, the kids have also borne the brunt of her moods at times. She feel that no one works as hard as she does, no one sees the jobs that need doing like she does. However when we attempt to help she systematically tears us apart for not doing it the way she wants it done, or not to her standards.

Ok that all seems like a total character assassination, then there's the nice side of her, the loving nature and caring side that comes out and makes me realise why I fell for her in the first place. Sadly however this is appearing less and less these days and I'm starting to wonder if she just doesn't love me anymore.

Currently it makes me sad, I'm not perfect but there are times when I don't believe the grief I get is justified

Have you sat her down and had a proper conversation with her about this? It sounds like at the moment neither of you are happy and something needs to change. It has got to be worth working out if you can sort this out before giving up on the relationship.

I have tried to uncover the feelings on our relationship but that’s been fruitless.
I felt that was a better way of approaching it rather that me trying to explain how I feel, if I pick my times wrong then it will blow up in my face.

I can’t remember the last time we had any affection, sex seems such a distant memory.

This last year has been pretty hellish, DSS has been very ill and it has meant a lot of uncertainty and upset. I have tried to be involved but pushed to the side, pretty much being told that I can’t care in the same way as he’s not my son. That hurt a lot, whilst he isn’t we do have a good relationship and he’s part of my family.
Frequently being told that I have no idea the stress she’s under, but when asking for her to talk she won’t. What I get is “you don’t understand you haven’t been here and experienced it”

Some of her behaviour I attribute to this, and in my heart hope that she will come through the other end and maybe a little more of the real her will reappear

This is interesting. Apart from trust issues i am very similar with my partner like she is with you but i am because it's partly him. I am so bored. I've told him before yet continues the same. As a stubborn person i've given up saying anything so my reaction is a bit snappy. What is sex like? When you say you have a good lifestyle, like what? Is it spontaneous or fun? Maybe she's craving more? Without sitting down and pin pointing the reason then you've hit a brick wall. I could be many reasons. I should know.

Funnily posted as you replied. This is exactly why i asked about sex. This is a big thing for me yet it hardly happens, it's boring and over in 30 secs. He sorts himself out yet not me.
I know i'm referring to it personally but the way you're describing her is the way i've reacted before and i've made him step back because of it yet winds me up further so it spirals. This isn't blaming you solely but something that is happening repeatedly could be whats frustrating her.

I think you need to sit her down and tell her everything you have told us.
Tell her that your feelings for her are fading due to all of this and that if she won't listen to you or work on things then it's a deal-breaker for you now.
She needs to know before you walk away.
If she doesn't listen or understand, then it's time to walk away.
Life is too short for all of this crap and drama.

Quote from GingaNinja14 "What is sex like? When you say you have a good lifestyle, like what? Is it spontaneous or fun? Maybe she's craving more?"
Sex is little and seldom, i'm going to blow my own trumpet here, its not just about me, if we have sex then one way or another I make sure she gets pleasure from it, however I will admit that its more of a routine than it used to be
It was never spontaneous, she even admits herself thats not her style. Maybe thats why it feel so perfunctory!!
when I say good lifestyle I mean we don't have financial worries, we are not extravagant but neither are we frugal, we are lucky in that respect.

Im not perfect, yes there are times when I miss jobs about the house, normally little things that don't bother me but do her, i'm not lazy thought, I do try and pull my weight about the place. an example, I get home from work, the kitchen looks like a bomb site, so I clean up and wash up, but because I overlooked the washing in the washing machine she gets cranky.
Now the kitchen looking like a bomb site is the SC's but when I tell her that she tells me that at 18 she wasn't clearing up so she doesn't think that they should!!!
that's just an example, there was a time when I used to really send me skyward. Today, I can't be bothered to raise my blood pressure.

Hellsbellsmelons, yes you are right I do need to sit her down and chat to her about how I feel, but truthfully I worry that she can't be bothered to listen and so that only leaves me one real option.

It does indeed leave you with only one option.
But at least then you'll know you did all you could.