Fed up with DH. Fed up in general.

[MagnaDoodle]

I’m not happy.

Background: been with DH ten years. Married five. We have two amazing girls. They are 3 and 1. I work three days per week in a job that is highly stressful and competitive. My workload is heavy and I am working most nights at the kitchen table to keep afloat. DH’s job is also demanding, although arguably not as much as mine (but as he works full time he never has to work at home). He’s out at half seven in the morning and gets home to help put the girls to bed at the back of six.

He’s a lovely dad. Loves his girls and they love him. Very hands on (when he’s here). I can’t fault him for that at all.

I guess my issue is that...there are elements of the man child about him. Don’t get me wrong if I say to him “can you do the kitchen, put away the washing, make the bed etc” he will do so without complaint. I make a point of getting him to do stuff like that because I have to work, and why the fuck shouldn’t he. So he is I suppose pulling his weight in that respect.

However I feel like I’m living with a student at times. He’s lazy. Will do what he’s told but that’s pretty much it. He doesn’t see mess and think “oh I’ll square that away” he just walks past it. Will leave stuff on the coffee table. Will leave rubbish on the kitchen counter “for the recycling” but half of it isn’t recyclable at all he just chucks everything up there. It’s grim.

He does not “do” DIY. Ok I accept that not everyone can/does but I do feel that he could do a basic level of maintenance around the house. He could try. Friends’ husbands all try.

It’s mental load. Shopping is down to me. Meal planning and making sure the kids eat properly. Making sure they have clean clothes to wear. Toys to play with. I organise their clubs. I do all the party admin. Nursery admin. It just doesn’t occur to him to take on some of this.

I’m exhausted. I’m fat. I’m drinking too much and eating shite and have no clothes for work because I just don’t have the time or headspace to give it. I’m in a total rut and he doesn’t notice or care. Occasionally we have it out about this issue and he says he’ll be better but it never changes. He just thinks I’m always on his case.

The thing is he’s kind and trustworthy and honest and clever. He is not a bad guy. Just so painfully selfish sometimes. just feel overwhelmed and resentful.

Also life is too short to get mortified about nursery/party admin. I mean this from the bottom of my heart.

Also. I delegated phoning the guy to come and look at the boiler, to him. That was in June. He still hasn’t done it.

Have you asked him why? It's a form of selfishness on his part and a lack of respect for you.

I agree if you can renegotiate work at all do. Forget doing diy, that’s not fair just because he’s a guy. It’s shit that you have to push for improving but you do or it won’t happen. Suggestions: pick a couple of things that aren’t maybes. Eg dinner on Thursday he cooks and plans , needs to have shopping list to you by whenever you do the shop. It will be hugely obvious if he doesn’t and have a fit every time, he will acquire the habit and it becomes one less thing. Pick one activity the dc do and it’s his. Timing, equipment, transport arrangements, you do only what you’re asked. It’s besr if you pick the one he might care about the most - eg for my first son when he was little I left swimming completely to my dh. When he had something on and asked me to take him I had to ask him what he wears and where is it etc. Be absolutely clueless about this activity.
Etc. It is shit but gradually you get there. Pick a holiday you guys usually take and he plans, books etc. Do a rough timeline eg flights ans accom booked 6m beforehand, cars to airport /car hire booked 2 weeks before. If these aren’t met, cancel the holiday. The dc will be let down but he won’t forget it.

I don’t think he gives a shit any more. Suspect he feels I’m a nightmare to live with

That's really sad Magna. You sound like you're feeling quite low. I think you need to reach out to him and tell him how bad you're really feeling. If he's not kind and helpful then at least you will know. I do hope you're pleasantly surprised. I was quite surprised by how upset my DH was that his day to day actions upset me so much.

A very honest conversation. Say that imagining 5 years from now and you are still the one organising all these things makes you want to burst into tears. You can’t do it. It will kill how you feel about him. So the way you see it you can be a family unit where you both pull your weight, or you will be split up and he will have to do al this stuff he’s been avoiding anyway as you won’t be there to do it for him or the dc on his contact time, but you will be poorer and the dc will split their time between you.

That’s the truth really.

"But if I leave party admin or nursery admin to him it either won’t get done or it’ll be done to such a shitty standard that I’ll be mortified".

This also sounds like learned helplessness on his part; i.e. doing the job so badly anyway that you will never ask him to do that again. He also seems to cherry pick what he wants in that he does the nicer bits whilst you get the scut work. Its work he himself does not want to do because he is more important and also regards that as your job.

What would happen if you took some annual leave, went somewhere off-grid (like a hotel with no wi-fi or mobile reception) for a week and left him to be responsible for everything?

You are treating him like a useless underling and his behaving like one.

I’m sorry, I am not sure that things will get much better for you and resentment will build even more. Like posters said previously, either they left, or accepted their OH for who they were and got on with it, managing them but giving lists etc.
This is something I personally found I couldn’t do... why could my (ex)h hold down a professional responsible job but walk past his socks on the stairs for 5 days waiting for them to magically find their way to the drawers?
I worked equally hard, and just couldn’t be arsed delegating jobs which would get done “when he was ready” ie when he could be bothered, sometimes like you, OP in the case of the boiler, months later.
I also suspect your three days is probably not three days, sounds like you need to look at your actual work commitments.
Your children are smaller than my child, so being on your own at this stage might be harder work.
In my case, being a single mum has so far been brilliant, I’m loving not worrying about stupid things which used to wind me up massively. My child is nearly at the end of primary though, she’s the only one and I live very near her dad so co parenting is easy. 👍 I realise that I am very lucky to be in this situation.
Giving lists and delegating may work in short term, but is think you had probably think about how you see your relationship in 5,10 years time. For me, it wasn’t worth it.

I am low. About as low as I’ve ever been.

It’s not all attributable to him though. There is definitely an element of truth in the post that said I’m taking my stress out on him.

I’m stressed and I’m lonely and I’m not happy about the way I’m living my life. A lot of this is my doing. My choices.

I have an dh that does Jack shit in the house re housework ( will put out the bins ) but he does the gardening plus lots of diy including major stuff, i.e.. build inner walls, do kitchens, house refurb ( maybe that sounds great) but tbh it is at a snails pace which sends the house into chaos and often gets it wrong so new equipment,bits for the job are purchased several times over. I'm often wishing for a man that is happy to get the builders in.

Generally he is happy to get the builders in but we can’t afford it just now

Magna I think when you're low you're less emotionally resilient so the things that are normally a dull hum of annoyance in the background of your life become a pounding drum that you can't get away from. I am speaking from my own experience.

However, if your DH isn't sympathetic to the things that will help you improve your mental health then that is the bigger problem than not sorting recycling etc. In my book being crap at house stuff = not deal breaker; being crap at supporting me and helping me to be happy = massive deal breaker.

One thing I'd just tentatively suggest is would you be happier working full time? I know the childcare costs would be earth shattering but you wouldn't be trying to do everything all the time, you might get your work done in working hours and be able to be present for kids and in your own life in the time you're not working. You might also be able to make a hard deal with your DH about house stuff if you're both working equal hours. I tied myself in knots when my kids were pre school age. Had a small breakdown this summer and partly I think it's just an unbearable weight I was trying to carry that did it.

It is good that you continue to be a good mother and to prioritise your children’s needs. That’s a lot to congratulate yourself for. However it is clear that your marital relationship and your job are causing stress. This can only get worse and may lead to more serious health issues which will not be good for the children.

Please talk to somebody at work about the workload. It is not a sign of weakness to put your hand up and say you need help.

As to your relationship, you owe it to your children to get some counselling. This may mean you repair your relationship or accept that you need to split up. Either way you will get support to do this in way that minimises the hurt for you and the children.

Perceiving yourself to be a nightmare to live with is not good nor is drinking and eating too much. Maybe go see your GP. I think you will find you are stronger and more capable than you think once you get on top of your stressors.

I’ve been giving some serious thought to going up to four days to try to ease the burden a little. But I feel too guilty. I’m so lucky to have these days with my girls and I enjoy them (although they are tinged with underlying uneasiness about work tbh). I feel like I’d really regret giving up that time with them just for work purposes

Thing is, I don’t not enjoy my job. I get a lot from it. I had to work really hard at it and it’s mine. My thinking had always been that once the girls were in school and a bit bigger I could rededicate myself to it properly and make a real success of it. I kept working because I wanted to keep my hand in. I know that ultimately things will get easier and this was always going to be a hard part of life but I feel like it’s breaking me in two

It does wear you down. My exH was similar - I remember one time I was mowing the lawn and he came out to 'keeo me company'. I asked if he could start raking. Apparently he did not know how to. Cue me showing him. He picks up the rake and waves it up and down vertically. No, he says I can't I am a sea person not a land person. He also i never knew how to turn on the oven or operate the washer etc.

I also worked ft and had two dc

One of the many reasons he is an ex!!!

It is possible to stay on 3 days, have a manageable workload and build your career. But there are limits and boundaries that you must recognise for yourself and which your employers and colleagues accept and adhere to. When you are stressed it’s impossible to see these solutions. Your boss or colleagues will be able to help. Just ask and be honest about the difficulty in doing more than 3 days work in 3 days. If they don’t then I don’t know why you would want to stay or why you enjoy it. I know rising to challenging and stressful work can bring a great sense of joy and achievement that is rewarding. But you are beyond that and your MH is at risk if you continue

I mean this is a respectful way but maybe it’s time to stop being the hero in every aspect of you life. Decide what is important and what is not. Something needs to give so you can thrive again.

What user said!

Oh Magna!

Are you me? Your title caught my eye and when I read your original post it is everything that I’m going through! The bit you said about the boiler is the same for me! My DH was meant to organise a plumber but no sign of that happening!

Ah I don’t know what to suggest, as I say I’m going through a similar dilemma! 🙁

hugs x

Aw kitty I’m sorry to hear you’re going through it too! This thread has been so cathartic though. Feel less lonely.