I think he's cheating

[namechanged0983]

I feel sick. Told me he was going to visit his mum after work - 40 mins away. It's nearly 1am and he's not answered either one of texts.

Usually he's all over me but for the last few weeks he hasn't been and out of the blue our sex life has nose dived and he has ED. I've been feeling ugly and fat (I am fat btw). Been together over 20 years.

You guys always say "trust your gut"...

Yes trust your gut.
Yes he up to something.
What is the house and kid situation?
What is the work situation?
Could you chuck him out and still manage OK?

@hellsbellsmelons married and I'm the high earner.

He will make a divorce hell and even though there's equity in the house because he's screwed me over financially I probably wouldn't be able to get another mortgage.

He knows the house is all I care about (asset wise) so he's been really clear that if we split he'll force the sale of the house. Fucking piss take tbh given I stumped up the money for deposit and when he decides not to pay any bills it's my money that covers everything.

I'm glad you're the higher earner. It wouldn't do any harm to get some financial advice now.

Do you have children together?

Please confront him

Two children although eldest has finished uni. Other one at secondary .

First thing I did was confront him but he was so drunk and inconherent last night. At work today and I just don't want to talk to him. What's the point

It’s not a straight forward split of the house if you sell. If you can show you have contributed more that will be taken into consideration. My friends have divorced and had to go to court to sort out how the equity from the sale of the house was split. Not sure if it’s different in Scotland though? Would be worth you speaking to a solicitor to get advice even if you haven’t made a decision about your future

Thanks @bangourvillagebesttimeever even if I did get my money back it wouldn't be enough to get me back on the housing ladder

I'm sorry
He sounds like a dick

Sounds like you’d have a better life without your house and him than with both. You wouldn’t be posting on mumsnet at 1 in the morning because he’s lying, out and ignoring you?

I’m so sorry OP💐

Trust you gut. It’s a such a gift to have a female gut.
Just stepped back from someone who I believe was cheating and there were little signs... The last thing I know he tried to engage me in an argument and put the phone down on me.

If you feel he is up to something the best would be to get down to practicalities...

Mumsnet is a heaven place to get support and to learn to have wide open eyes.

The other way of managing this is accepting your OH is an arse and creating your own life whilst still living together. He doesn’t even need to know what your doing. Start going out, join clubs and stop seeing yourself as a couple then to won’t be on MN at midnight getting upset. Then if your fortunate he may die before you..... 😆

If he was so drunk he was incoherent are you sure he wasn’t out with mates rather than cheating? I can’t think he’d be good for much if he was that pissed.

Not that that excuses the behaviour or makes it any more acceptable - definitely not - and def doesn’t excuse the other crap he’s pulling on you.

@Changedname3456 not sure at all. I guess because we've been together so long and all of a sudden he has been suffering ED it's shot my confidence to pieces.

Sorry op I zonked after my last post. I agree with previous posters that you should seek some legal advice so that you know exactly what position you're in, you'll be able to make a more informed decision that way.

I think bang is right that you should do more things for you and that you enjoy.

I think it's really important to concentrate on what you want and need before you make a decision either way. Would dh agree to couples counselling? Could he be depressed or feeling anxious that he has ED and you might leave him? People often push loved ones away from fear of losing them. It by no means excuses his behaviour or minimises your feelings but could be a potential factor.

Even if you decide to stay I think it would be wise to get some legal advice especially regarding the house.

If he has been suffering with ED it's unlikely he'll be cheating? ED is a common disorder isn't it and can happen with any sexual partner.

Usually when men have that kind of programme they just push their SO away as it's embarrassing and probably feel like a failure

Guts are often full of wind. Have evidence, not hunches.

I am another who says to follow your gut..