Am I overthinking things?

[LittleRed25]

So, my boyfriend and I have lived together for a while now, and we are preparing to buy our first house together. Recently, he seems distant romantically (sometimes it can feel more like we’re just friends/room mates). We don’t generally go out of an evening, or plan very much at the weekends, but when we were first together he would be up early, planning things and getting out together. I understand that over time you get comfortable in relationships, however things just seem different. To the point where he will make excuses to not even kiss me most of the time, which really gets me down as I feel it’s something I have done. I’ve been cheated on before too, and sometimes how I feel canbe reminiscent of that time/situation. We’ve not been as ‘intimate’ Together either, which also makes me feel like he’s just not attracted to me.

With all this going on, the main reason I’m posting for advice is that last weekend he went out with friends he’s not seen for a while, and didn’t get home until around 4:30. Now him going out isn’t a problem to me, however the following day he was all over me...but now it’s gone back to the usual. I’m just worrying myself that while he was out in bars and clubs he’s seen girls all dressed up and was attracted to them, so when he has come back he’s wanted to be more intimate, but now it’s out of his system so to speak, it’s gone back to the normal behaviour?

I’ve spoken to him about feeling like just friends and wanting to do more things together before, but there’s not really been any change, and I just feel like there’s only so much I can do.

Is there anyone who has been through something similar or could just offer advice? Even if it’s just to give me a view from an outside perspective

Do not buy a house with a man who avoids kissing you! It is possible it's just a blip, but I'd want to be very sure before getting financially entangled with someone who treats me like a house mate!

If you want to do things do you make plans or just expect him to and get disappointed? Romance goes both ways. If you're doing all the planning and it's still just like housemates, I'd say the relationship has run it's course and you're both too comfortable to admit it and split.

Put the brakes on now! Don't think twice.

What are your expectations of this relationship? What are your needs? Write them all down. And then take a long look at your boyfriend and decide what he is really capable of. Years down the line and as the demands of life increase (children/job pressure/ bereavement/care giving) what is possible will be even less. That is unless you are crazy about each other and communicate well - unless you are a team.

Don't get trapped in a house and then a marriage and kids with the wrong person. Passion is important but so is your own confidence and autonomy.

You need to talk to him and reaffirm your boundaries. Quickly.

Do not buy a house with him, or have children with someone who went off you before it it all even started....
It all, being a life and a relationship.

And don’t waste your time. This isn’t going to change - will only get worse and sadder and he’ll meet someone he is attracted to and he’ll leave.
It’s bettwr if it happens before the house, children, etc.

Well it seems like since he’s gone out, he has been kissing me more often and this morning he got up earlier to make me breakfast. He’s always spoken about marriage and children together, and even though he’s been a bit distant he’s still spoken like that.
When I’ve spoken to him before about how I feel he seems to say all the right things, and he makes an effort for a while, but then it goes back. We’ve been together 3 and a half years, so maybe it’s just where we’re comfortable? Plus he’s never been in a long term relationship before.

Lately I’m usually the one to initiate things like going out places, and when I’ve spoken to him about it before he’s spoken about places he would like to go, he just never seems to act on it and book things, or say ‘we’ll go this weekend’.

I don’t know whether it’s nerves about the house or something, but I just get frustrated because I’ve moved far away from my family to move in with him, so sometimes I can feel a bit isolated. He just seems to go hot and cold.

It sounds like you're his 'better than no one' girlfriend. He may be just keeping you sweet telling you what you want to hear so you'll simmer down, leave him be and let him coast along until he finds someone he prefers. What you describe is not 'comfort'. He avoids kissing you!

If you're financially solvent, low maintenance and he generally gets to do what he wants it's easier for him to stay in a relationship he's not particularly bothered about than it is for him to leave. Do you currently share bills, housework and have sex? He'd get none of that if you split. But it sounds like he has one eye out for your replacement.

Don't buy a house with him.

The only times I've ever been all over someone I'd previously gone cold on was when I'd cheated on them (not proud). It's a mixture of guilt and a renewed sense of your own sexiness. Out til 4:30am you say...

It's only a temporary fix though, by the way. Unless one starts to make a habit of it.