Sick of being told I'm sensitive

[Chalkybee]

I've had enough of it. Whenever I challenge him on his behaviour he calls me a snowflake, or too sensitive, I'm over reacting and he'll shit the conversation down saying he doesn't want to speak to me while I'm like that. I know it's bull, I know he's being out of line. I've always knew it. I try and argue my point but again, he'll shit me down.
I'm so unhappy in this relationship. We never, never have sex. He never touches me, never compliments me, never says anything nice to me. Takes the piss and says things under the guise of a 'joke' and whenever I complain or pull him up on it he'll turn it around and call me nasty, or mean or abusive. Or worse, if I get upset or angry he'll call me crazy or psycho.

I feel like I'm drowning and suffocating at the same time. I've tried SO hard to explain how I feel to him and his answer is always that I need to change - whether it's be nicer to him or be less sensitive to his insults. He claims he loves me and will occasionally apologise and promise to change but I don't even believe it any more. Also he tells me that no one can make you unhappy so how I feel is all down to me. How can you explain anything to someone who just doesn't give a shit.

What makes me angriest is I KNOW he's doing all this and it's not right yet I'm still with him and can't seem to leave. The thought of breaking up the family - destroying the kids' family unit, putting them through any upset just ruins me.

I've asked him to leave so many times and he won't, usually making it up to me enough to settle the situation before going back to normal a few days later.

I'm going to email woman's aid today. I need this to end before I can't cope any more.

I hope you get some help from Women’s Aid. It seems that he has ground you down so that you feel that you are always in the wrong.

What is your situation? Are you married; live in joint property etc?

You’re seeing the light and moving in the right direction, keep fighting to get yourself back and try to realise that staying with him will actually be worse for your children in the long run than getting rid for him.

Women's Aid should be able to help you to leave him.

You will absolutely be improving the kids family unit by leaving. Not destroying it.

Sending strength

I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this I went through something similar it’s so much better on the other side only dealing with you and dc x
Unfortunately it will do so much damage to the children watching this but it will damage your mental health and well-being too your dc need you stay strong and big hugs xx take care x

I think you know you need to ignore what he says and get out of there as quickly and safely as you can.

I'm sorry you're going through this, the good thing is you know he's doing wrong.

I’d stop engaging with him, all the while that you engage you feed him - withdraw his food

There is no point

He is not going to treat you any better ever he is not any better than shit on your shoe

@ElizaCBennett - Not married and we rent so hopefully a little easier.

@memyselfandi1 - sorry you went through similar. It glad you made it through it. It gives me hope too.

@ivykaty44 - this is what I am trying to do. Just walking away from conversations which are turning against me. It means I'm spending a lot of time alone in my room but I don't mind that too much (except when it means I'm not spending time with my eldest). When I do try and walk away he calls me a stroppy teenager, I just explain that I refuse to engage in conversations which are nothing but insulting and off I go.

I feel strong enough to do this sometimes, but then I feel weak and absolutely terrified. I left my ex and I got so much hassle from his parents, friends etc. All blaming me for ruining his life it makes me so anxious that it'll happen all over again, esp as current partner is so friendly and everyone loves him. My hope lays with the fact my neighbour could see it when I've spoken to her and I just hope that she's not the only one.

Now he has reduced you to sitting alone in your room. This is damaging you and in turn your children here who are seeing all this as well. He has destroyed this by his actions, you would not be destroying your family unit here by leaving him.

You absolutely need to leave this individual asap and enlist the help of Womens Aid to do so.

Abusive people can appear plausible to those in the outside world (street angel, house devil is a good description) but your neighbour has the measure of him. I would also suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme as this will help you better with boundaries and red flags in relationships.

Making major life changes is hard and it is natural to resist, but you can plan it step by step. Don't worry about what anyone else will think, that is the least of your worries. Just set your mind on a future without this kind of treatment.

I've not heard of the freedom project, will look into it, thank you x

The Freedom Programme is run by Womens Aid; the number for WA is 0808 2000 247.

I wanted to add if you're giving him a reaction of any kind, try as hard as you can to remain unphased by his crap. Then after 5/10 minutes take yourself away if you need some time alone.

I found if you don't give gas lighters the response they want, responding with 'That's nice!' or something as equally passive, he won't get validation that he's having any kind of impact, thus not getting any satisfaction.

Some of the things I would say were like 'Thank you for the feedback,' 'Oh ok,' 'That's nice,' 'Oh really,' anything basically that shows you don't care for his opinion. If you get somewhere & know you're leaving you could up the ante and reply, 'Good job your opinion doesn't matter to me,' but that might provoke him to try harder.

With people like this not giving them the satisfaction really annoys them. Especially if they've been used to a response.

We have every belief in you. Hold your head up high and focus on the positives.

Hope you are feeling ok; have you managed to speak to Women’s Aid yet?

You've really got to ignore the fact that he's a charmer when it comes to others. You need to focus on how he makes you feel. Which isn't very good at all.

At some point you reach a stage in life where you don't care if his Aunt Mabel thinks you're dreadful, as they probably know what a dick he can be. Such people seldom do such things once, I'm thinking leopard & spots.

Please put yourself first.

@ElizaCBennett - I've emailed them as he 'works' from home so is always here (in inverted commas as he has hardly had any work since July which is a whole other issue and as such I'm having to try and find work myself at 25 weeks pregnant - like that'll happen!)

I'm just trying to get my head around it all. I've thought about leaving him many times over the past couple of years, and never have. Part of me wonder if this will be one of those times which is frustrating as it's not like I can't see what is happening! If this was happening to a friend I'd tell her to LTB, but why isn't it that easy :(

Hoping I'll hear back from WA soon, meanwhile I am going to focus on me and the kids.

Had a nice day with DS today ignoring partner who ended up staying in bed until 12! I feel like I'm doing everything anyway and being on my own at least it would be one less person's crap to deal with.

@HopelessWanderer - thanks for the tips, I'm going to try and do this and not raise to his attacks at all.

He's a bully! Bulies always tell people they are sensitive, "You need to grow another skin", is a common phrase. Don't accept it, you're better than that.

You cannot change him but you can try to change how you react to him. Not easy I know but if you care less it will hurt less. Then his hold on you will weaken and you will feel able to move on.

Good luck

OP, have you considered going to some counseling just by yourself or some therapy?

I did on my own and it did help me to start changing my thoughts. It gave me the kick I needed to stand a bit taller and to detach. It also sent a warning sign to my partner that things were changing.

If money is tight then there are great self help books. I spent a long time on the internet reading my way out of unhappiness.

Women's Aid helped me too. I hope you hear soon.

Good luck.

@whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 - I'd love to and I think I need it tbh. Have recently made a self referral to the MH services but it takes so long. Will look at online resources too.

It's 5 am and I'm awake because sleeping is currently rly impossible. I'm squashed between partner and DS, pushed partner back to try and get some and he muttered 'stop pushing or I'll throw you out of the window' - like I said, he's a charmer. And of course, the fact I now can't sleep is me 'making a drama' out of it. Ugh. Every time I doubt leaving he at least reinforces it.

This is no way to live! He’s abusive. You can and will get out of this