am I being oversensitive and what to do

[sanfranmarzipan]

I'm divorced, exh cheated on me when dcs little and I've brought them up for the most part by myself but only work PT and get maintenance. My MH isn't great and I have no family support (dm dead, df never been around) so it's not been that easy but I have a good relationship with dcs and I've been lucky to be around for them I know. (Exh is a very high earner, for context)

dfriend has no dcs and is a bit younger than me. She hates her dm, who divorced when her df cheated while her dm was pregnant. Her dm is ill now and dfriend is having a difficult time. I'm trying to be there for her but she blames her dm for everything, goes on about how her df had to pay maintenance and tbh I'm finding it difficult because I do have sympathy for the dmum (who I don't know) in that situation.

I feel pretty bad as it is that I don't work FT yet ( am studying, and aim to work FT in a few years hopefully) and I imagine people judge me for this. Including dfriend now tbh. I do find life pretty hard (dcs health complications also, so as not to drip feed) and I guess dfriend doesn't get it.

I wonder if I'm not great at friendships as I find situations difficult to handle sometimes and feel that things like this get me down.

It is weird that she hates her mum for receiving maintenance when presumably that was for your friend to be looked after??

If I were you I would have to challenge her when she says anything. Only specific things. You could just say "oh, why do you think that? or Why do you think you feel that way?" Just calmly. Challenge.

If she is a good friend you may be able to discuss these things amicably. It isn't fair that she should be disrespectful to you but in a roundabout kind of way which only serves to upset you.

Agree with the above about trying to keep calm. If you can gently broach the topic in a way you're comfortable with that could be helpful - she may have no idea you are relating her comments about her mum to your own situation.

I'd add that there is a whole world of things that go into someone's relationship with their mother, she may be angry about something else completely and just finding ways to justify the anger by criticising whatever she can, the fact that the mum is ill may be affecting her as well. That is her thing, so I wouldn't let it affect you.

It sounds like you're looking after yourself and your kids, that's the important thing. Try to be happy that you're doing the best you can, and avoid comparing yourself to others as there often a lot you don't know about their situation. When you feel confident in yourself you won't be so affected by what people say (easier said than done, but its something to strive for). You don't sound like you're bad at friendship you're just in need of a bit of reassurance at the moment.

I’m feeling very sorry for your friends DM to be honest. Maybe you could say “it’s a bit strange to hate your mum because she received maintenance you know. The law in England states it has to be paid. It’s a legal requirement that every single couple in the entire country who divorce have to do. Did you know it’s the law?” Then see what she says. Maybe just keep stressing that every single thing she’s hating her Mum for is a bit unfair. I’d have to enlighten her I’m afraid. That poor woman’s exH has obviously really done a number on her

She sounds v. mixed-up about her feelings towards her parents - why on earth would it be bad for her DF to pay maintenance?

Whatever the case, there's nothing you can do about it, so just carry on with making the most of your and your DCs lives. If she needs to vent during this difficult time (DM's illness), let her, but don't make comparisons, you have no idea what's really behind her anger.

You sound like you're dealing with your own situation really well anyway!

Thank you all for the kind responses and for taking time to reply, which has actually made me a bit teary (in a good way)

I could challenge her or just try to change the subject or something. It is hard for dfriend and yes probably she has lots of unresolved issues going on.

One of the things I struggle with tbh is that in her eyes her df can do no wrong. I have another dfriend whose dad left her mum for OW and similarly she really seems to dislike the dm and idolise the df. They don't seem able to see what the dm might have gone through and I wonder if my dcs will be the same when they grow up especially since they were so young when exh left and I tried to shield them as much as possible and encourage them and him to have a relationship.

On MN the theory seems to be that when dcs grow up they'll see what their df really was like, but I'm thinking now maybe not tbh.

She sounds like a bit of a cunt. Probably gets it from her dad. I'd tell her straight, her bullshit must be quite draining after a while.

Tbh, as a single parent, being a single parent doesn't mean your kids will always get one with you or think you did a good job at bringing them up.

My mum was a single parent. She was also a massive cunt. We often went without basics and left with grandparents while she did what she wanted with her money. And she made clear it was her money
If we needed something like shoes and she didn't fancy buying them, she didn't. But she would go on holidays, nights out etc. When she did buy us stuff we had to be worshipping the ground she walked on for weeks.

There may things that your friend isn't telling you about why she dislikes her mum.

This is about her, her relationships and how she feels. Don't make it about you or start believing what she thinks of you.

That's true I guess thatsfuckingshit it's fair to say parents come in all types irrespective of whether they're coupled up (sorry to hear that about your dm )

It's still hard if the dfather does no parenting and then doesn't come in for any criticism as a result imo. But yes I don't know all the circumstances, that's why I don't comment on it tbh.

Talking it over here is helpful.

Yeah but she is an adult. If she has a poor relationship with her mother but an ok one with her dad. Which in comparison makes him great, to her.

It's not about you or you and your kids. As a single parent I experience those insecurities too. Wondering what will happen when my kids get older, will they recognise in an doing the best I can, will they love me, will they feel I let them down etc.

But this is about her.

It's worth bearing that in mind yes, thanks.

Do these friends think women should accept cheaters as husbands?

You're better than me because that kind of talk would piss me right off and I'd challenge them on it or cut them off.

Some women have a low bar.

It's really difficult for non parents to realise the work involved in raising a child. She'll get it when she's a mum herself. My parents are happy together and my dad has always respected my mum and told us that she was the backbone etc but I never appreciated the hard work that it was, especially as she had 3 in 3 years! And she always kept an immaculate house (which I've never been able to do!(

Why are you internalising their feelings towards there mother’s? I wasn’t a huge fan of my mother but it doesn’t follow that I don’t care for mothers in general, my ire is specific to mine. If your friends bitching about their mother’s gets you down, then tell them and suggest they speak to professionals if they have difficulties coming to terms with their feelings towards them.

Is she talking about maintenance as in Child Support or as in Spousal Maintenance (which would have been more common back then, less so now)?

The latter might (justifiably or not) be perceived as her Mum mooching off her Dad, not trying to work etc and that may be where the resentment, probably fuelled by things he’s said, is coming from.

Or it could be more in line with how “Thatsf..” puts it :-)

Whatever the backstory, I doubt she looks at you in the same way.

Thanks for all the replies. It has really helped me getting these different perspectives.
I agree it's impossible to know how hard raising kids can be until you've done it yourself, especially as a lp. Or a cheating spouse either really. So she doesn't get that bit.

I don't know more details like the maintenance and all that, and as some have said, I'm sure there's many reasons why she feels the way she does.

We've just had very different experiences and perspectives and yes she probably isn't even relating it to my situation at all.

I could gently suggest counselling if it goes on like this. I feel tempted to just back away and I have backed out of one or two friendships when things got too much, which is not the best way to handle it probably. Or yes, I could just say my point of view, but I'm more of a 'people pleaser' (not proud of this) type so I doubt I will.