Partner and football

[Sunflower135]

Just looking for a bit of advice, feel like I’m going crazy so hoping some other ladies agree with me on this!

Been with boyfriend for 2 and a bit years, generally everything is great. However, he is a season ticket holder for football and he attends every single home game and occasionally a few away games. Never had a problem with this, have had a few issues regarding his drinking as when he’s at the football he’ll drink all day with his mates and then he becomes an asshole and we have had some pretty big arguments in regards to how he speaks to me once he’s had a bit to drink and been around his mates all day.

So, we don’t live together and the other day I text him to say I was meeting up with some friends that evening straight from work and I would text him once I got home. I received quite a nasty reply saying he believes I should of said to him that if he wanted to see me then I would of cancelled my plans for him but he was annoyed at the fact I didn’t (hope that makes sense).
I was completely shocked by this, he’s never said anything like that to me before and he’s NEVER said to me he’d cancel his plans if I wanted to see him. So we didn’t speak for the rest of that night.
Now, there’s a football game on Saturday which I didn’t know about, so I asked him earlier if we could go into town on Saturday as I’ve been needing to do a bit of a winter shop (I hate shopping) and he keeps saying he’ll come with me for the help . He then turned round to say football was on and he’d be busy all day.
Do I have the right to be annoyed that he didn’t even say about he’d miss it If I needed him or am I just over reacting?! I just feel like it’s one rule for him and one for me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated :)

Oh, and just to add, I hardly see my friends because we’re all so busy/have different lives. He sees his friends around once a week

Why bother. This sounds like too much hard work.

You're overreacting. Football fixtures are readily available, so the match shouldn't have been news to you. As he has already paid for the match you shouldn't expect him to cancel.

What you should be concerned about is the way he speaks to you when he is drunk. That's not acceptable at all.

Sounds like a bit of a storm in a teacup to me. Go shopping with a gf or dsis or something. Boys don't like shopping anyway. And if you know he's going to go to footie and drink, so what? You don't live together so where's the problem? You sound a bit controlling to me, OP.

The football - well, that's something you make an informed choice about. Either you accept someone has a time-consuming hobby (which could be football, or playing in a band, or lycra-clad cycling, or...) or you don't (though you do need to discuss what will give in the way of time committment if you ever have kids - this is in general terms, not your partner in particular).

The thing that jumps out at me as non-negotiably crap, dump the bastard territory is that he has too much to drink and then says nasty things. Encouraged it would seem by his friends - so not only does he have a Jekyll and Hyde reaction to alcohol, he's also easily led and would rather look like the "big man" (translates as pathetic loser) in front of his mates than actually be decent towards you.

Worse than that, the latest hissy fit on his part (over you going out) seems to have taken place while he was sober.

You don't live with him yet - I'd say dump, move on and find someone who is respectful.

And no, expecting to be treated decently and respectfully is not being controlling in the slightest. It's called having basic standards.

He sound like a total knob-head to be honest.
What is in this relationship for you?
Never ever, cancel on your friends in favour of something else.
That's an awful thing to do if you hardly ever see them.
And him suggesting it is very controlling.
He just doesn't sound very nice.

Football isn't necessarily the issue here.
You need to address how he speaks to you when he's had a drink. That's not on.

With regards to the football.....my DH is a season ticket holder. He attends all home games and occasional away games too. The agreement is that he has to put all matches on the calendar and I'll work around them. If I've already got something booked - tough. He either doesn't go and he sorts a babysitter out.
However, he will cancel if there's something important on. Family do's , birthdays, work etc. Shopping isn't important and can be done around the football.

It's different because we have kids but if you see a future with him you need to accept his love of football otherwise it will breed resentment. I have no interest in it and I nearly let the fact it took up so much time become an issue but my DH explained how important it is to him and he will cancel if needed.

OP - what is in this relationship for you now?. The two of you are supposed to be in a relationship with give and take on both sides. You do not live together (thankfully) and there are already issues re his drinking after games. It is seemingly too one rule for you and another for him.

I don't think he's a keeper to be honest op. You can do better.

Expecting to be treated both nicely and with respect is the norm and is not controlling. If anyone is being controlling here it is he and for that behaviour you should now move on and find someone else.

Thank you all! I’ve never had a problem with the football, I understand him and his friends have been going for years and it’s the one time they can all get together because they all make sure they’re there. I think I was just annoyed at the fact he was rude towards me about seeing my friends then completely shut me down because of the football. Just annoys me how he expected me to do something but doesn’t do it himself?

Some PP seem to be missing the point here. The OP doesn't really have a problem with the football, only with the way he reacts when he's had too much to drink - yes, that's a problem.

The main problem, though, is that boyfriend thinks she should offer to cancel her plans with mates - which is a very rare occasion - just because he says so, but he isn't willing to cancel his plans with his football mates whom he sees regularly, in order to do something he has already promised the OP that he will do (but not on that particular date.)

My opinion: The football is what it is. You either accept it or you don't. But no way should you offer to drop your plans for him when he wouldn't even consider reciprocating.

To be honest, it's a bit of a red flag - like he's trying to control you and he's upset that you're going out enjoying yourself without him?

A few things here:

I wouldn't have been happy with a nasty response to me saying I was meeting friends, particularly a demand that I should've cancelled if he wanted to see me. It might well be a dumpable offense, particularly if repeated.

I wouldn't mind if he cancelled going shopping with me on a specific day if there was football on. I'd guess he hates going shopping with you even more than you hate shopping. But I imagine that it would be easy to move the shopping to another day. Less so the game.

and
I received quite a nasty reply saying he believes I should of said to him

If a bf wrote to me "I should of", I'd have dumped him.