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Original poster

DP bringing up an article on sex...

13 replies

Strawbroke · 04/09/2018 14:53

I'd noticed that DP put a flippant joke comment on a letter somebody had sent to online newspaper. It was titled 'My partner is very good at pleasuring me, he doesn’t enjoy it when I try to pleasure him. What can we do?'

DP's comment was (can't remember the exact words) along the lines of the boyfriend sounds like a dick. Anyway thought nothing more of it but we were in bed last night and he brought it up.

I was a bit confused at what he was getting at. He started off by saying that he wonders if the boyfriend was like that at the start of the relationship or had just got bored and wasn't enjoying the sex. We then got onto the fact that sex is a deal breaker for me. It's primarily why I'm in a relationship because I'm quite an independent person, I don't need a relationship. When you boil it right down I like being in a relationship because I like the intimacy and regularity of sex. So it's a deal breaker for me (shallow much Shock)

DP then asked me what I thought about someone who loved someone but didn't want to have sex with them. I said I think it's pretty selfish to stay with someone you love but withhold sex because you don't want it but they do. You should let them go so they can have a fulfilling, intimate relationship. If you are just seeking friendship and companionship then it's not a romantic relationship is it? It's not fair and you shouldn't do that to someone you love. He said I sound pretty cold and that I'm prioritising sex over love. Do I?

We then had sex and it was great! Now I'm overthinking this at work and maybe DP was trying to initiate the conversation and I've shut it down without realising that it was in context of us? Not the letter to the newspaper? We've been together 3 years Sad

OP posts:
HostaFireAndIce · 04/09/2018 16:45

I can't really follow what you think he was getting at.

Onedayy · 04/09/2018 16:49

Are you suggesting that he is one who has gone off sex?

Haireverywhere · 04/09/2018 18:50

My DH does this all the time when it comes to the more difficult issues. He initiates conversations about other people as a way in, to 'test' me and see if he can open up about his feelings. I only recently learnt he wasn't just chatting!

We are actually in counselling. Apparently it's not uncommon for some people who struggle to express their needs or feelings to use a neutral example like friend/stranger as a way in.

Rebecca36 · 04/09/2018 18:54

You were merely discussing something, putting different points of view. Stop overthinking it.

Original poster
Strawbroke · 04/09/2018 19:29

That's what I was thinking haireverywhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawbroke · 04/09/2018 19:30

I'm totally overthinks it I think. I don't know why this has put me in edge. He's great!

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 04/09/2018 19:53

It sounds like he hasn't got a sex drive as high as yours and was trying to see how you felt about not having sex.

Your response made it clear that sex or the lack of it is a dealbreaker for you. Nothing wrong with that IMO.

He knows that if he doesn't want sex in a relationship, you won't hang around.

Again...You're being honest and that's the best way to be.

Onlyfamandclosefknow · 04/09/2018 21:16

Yes I agree he was testing you and without knowing it was about yourself you still ended up giving an honest answer so that's great! I think you may want to make a mental note if the frequency starts to drop below what you'd like, to return to this and chat about what he was really trying to say.

Storm4star · 04/09/2018 21:25

Wow! I'm sorry but whenever a woman on here is "pressured" into sex then everyone is up in arms saying "you shouldn't have sex if you don't want to" etc etc. If those women wrote "my partners said he'll end the relationship if he doesn't get enough sex" everyone would be saying LTB! But a woman comes here saying basically that and is praised by everyone for being honest! Where's all the usual advice like maybe it's tiredness or maybe he wants some intimacy without sex??? Sorry but that's massive double standards.

OP i do actually have the same stance as you when it comes to sex and I don't think you were wrong to say what you said. I just think some of the responses would have been very different if you'd been a man posting!

Original poster
Strawbroke · 04/09/2018 21:31

I wasn't saying I'll end our relationship if we don't have sex, I wasn't giving my opinion in the context of our relationship, I thought we were talking about the article. They'd only been together a short time and she was stressing that she doesn't seem to please her partner and he isn't that bothered about sex and I was blathering on that if that was the case for me (in the early stages of a relationship) I'd bail because sex is my deal breaker. 3 years in is a bit different. If he got too ill to have sex (mentally or physically) I'd obviously approach it differently because I love him but if he suddenly decided he didn't want to have sex because he went off it...it would be my deal breaker. I know myself very well and a sexless relationship would adversely impact on me. So although selfish, I don't it's wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawbroke · 04/09/2018 21:33

*I don't think it's wrong.

Surely it's just as selfish to expect someone to give up their sex life because you've gone off it though? Even if you love them.

OP posts:
Storm4star · 04/09/2018 21:42

I 100% agree with you. I couldn't be in a sexless relationship and I don't think you're wrong at all. My comment was more about the responses you received were very different to other posts, where women are complaining that their husbands are unhappy because there's no been no sex for months! Apparently the men should just deal with no sex!

SandyY2K · 04/09/2018 22:52

My responses would be the same regardless of gender. I'm always objective on here...not just blindly siding with female posters.

I usually say that unilaterally enforcing celibacy on your spouse is unfair.

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