Separate Bedrooms from the start of relationship

[Putitallbehindme]

Hello ladies

I’ve seperated from my partner of 8 years who right from the beginning of the relationship wanted separate bedrooms.

I never felt happy about it but it was a coercive and controlling relationship and the start of many things which weren’t right.

He would say he couldn’t sleep if he shared a bed with me and he just preferred to sleep on his own. This made me feel very low and unloved. So much so I would cry and he would then tell me to stop being so childish/annoying. I just wanted to feel loved.

It would make me question myself, what was wrong with me? Etc.

I am recovering from this abusibe relationship and have no contact with him now. I guess I just want to know ladies opinions on separate bedrooms and this situation?

Thanks for reading x

In a practical sense having separate bedrooms can work if the relationship is balanced and respectful. e.g. health reasons, shift work etc.
In the case of a coercive and controlling relationship it just another means of the controller having more control and chipping away at your self esteem and emotional wellbeing until as you say, you were made to feel very low and unloved.
Have you read Lundy Bancroft..."Why Does He Do That?" also have a look at the Freedom Programme.

It's really awful trying to recover from an abusive relationship as it's like being on a emotional rollercoaster.... but actually recognising that the relationship is abusive is a massive step forward.

Have you read the top post on Relationships thread?
Here's a link
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

I felt obliged to accept the separate bedrooms even though it felt wrong to me as I felt immediately it was a way of “keeping me in a box” and out of the way. He would say, make it nice for you and decorate it your way. Looking back I must have been mad but I just accepted it along with other strange things.

He did some funny shifts at times during the relationship but even when home for long periods of time he wanted to be on his own in his own room and at one point put a lock on his door. Surely this isn’t right.

I have read Lundy Bankcroft which was useful and also have been seeing a DV advocate.

Just does take time to heal from the pain it all causes.

Thanks for taking the time to reply x

Was he Avoidant? Could he have Avoidant Personality Disorder? Might be worth a Google. My ex is Avoidant and insured on a lot of his own space. We also had separate bedrooms but I preferred that as I am a light sleeper

My fiance and I have separate bedrooms because I get up earlier for work and we both sleep better apart. We're both happy with the situation though. Your ex doesn't sound like a good partner though. He sounds nasty.

Thanks for your input posters, very kind of you to respond.

I will look up Avoident Personality Disorder x

He definitely was a nasty man!X

Sorry just wondered if anyone else could help with this? x

He sounds like he is scared of intimacy and also was very controlling. Keeping a journal to jot down your thoughts and things that come up while you try to make sense of this confusing relationship will be very useful and could help you heal. He seems to have cofused you to the point where you don't know what's what. He had all the power in the relationship and made you feel undervalued. How did the relationship end?

My husband and I usually sleep separately (him in the spare room which has kind of become his room) and me in the main bedroom, as he snores and I'm a very light sleeper.

I'd dearly love to sleep in same bed but cannot bear to wake up in the night and be unable to get back to sleep due to the snoring.

We do usually sneak into each others beds on waking in the morning for a snuggle, so I don't feel I'm missing much as that's the main advantage of sharing a bed anyway. I usually go to bed earlier than him anyway so fall asleep on my own which would be the same if we shared a bed or not.

Reckon the reason for separate rooms is critical as to whether this is a good, bad or neutral thing if it's for purely practical reasons then I don't think it's a biggie but in your case there is more to it, as it is upsetting you and you are seeing it as a sign of lack of love.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with separate bedrooms if that is what you are both happy with. It’s like everything in a relationship, it has to work for both of you and when it doesn’t then it becomes an issue.

It sounds like the problem with your relationship was a lot more than where you slept.

Not quite sure what help you are looking for- he's an ex so what is the issue now?

Separate bedrooms/houses can work for certain people. I am quite an introvert and would love to have my own bedroom!
But it's obviously an issue. Unless both partners are on the same page it creates distance and rejection.

So works for some, not others. Not sure what else you need to hear?

The problem was your relationship not your bedrooms. If I lived with DP I would need my own bedroom. I love falling asleep with him spooning me but when I wake up in the night I want space. It doesn't help that he radiates heat like he's radioactive and I like to be star shaped when I sleep!
Women actually sleep lighter than men so it's often beneficial to long term relationships to sleep separately.

If your ex was an abusive dick he would have been so no matter where you slept.

I would hate separate rooms as I love falling asleep cuddling after sex so it would be out of necessity. I think what it comes down to is what a couple are happy with and works for them though and there's no right or wrong. (Though I haven't read any studies about it and the relevance wrt relationship quality).

This seems like it was just another symptom of your ex being controlling and was more about that than sleeping issues per se.

I prefer to sleep alone. I'm quite a light sleeper and the slightest movement/snoring etc wakes me up. I lived with my ex for 3 1/2 years and after a few months of sharing a bedroom I told him that I wanted separate rooms. He took this very personally and it lead to a few arguments and ultimately our separation. We were both affectionate with each other and had a good sex life but when it comes to bed/sleeping i just want my own space. After sex we always cuddled but then I would either go into my own room or hint for him to go into his. It was no reflection on him, I just like to sleep alone and can't bear being too hot in bed. Most friends I talked to about it thought it was a little odd and said that even if their partner disturbed their sleep they love the closeness you get from sleeping beside your partner.

The thing to be thinking about here is why you continued in the relationship when you weren't happy with the conditions he was setting. If you can work through that, you will protect yourself from being hurt again in the future. I'm sorry you're hurting