how to pull back?

[sevenatenine3]

hello. I would really appreciate some advice please.I have a male friend that I am very close with. We work together , socialise together and spend alot of time general chit chatting outside of work hours, mainly on text as we live in different ares. He has some quite complex sexual and emotional issues,, possible asexual/possible sexual trauma from childhood that takes up quite alot of our time while discussing his issues. there are many. We are exceptionally close as I said and I had a lightbulb moment over the weekend. I was quite unwell at home on my own, disappointed that weekend plans had fallen through, probably a bit miserable etc. He basically didnt care less. No message/no follow up text, nothing...only talk about himself....Its a small issue but his inaction really spoke volumes to me.It opened my eyes to the fact that our friendship is actually very one sided. He is much younger than me, can be quite immature at times which isnt a major issue and doesnt have the same degree of responsibilities as i do , in his life and so i find he can be quite selfish and self absorbed at times.. Like a fool < i now realise that I am always available to him. Advising, researching..generally going over and above , to help and support him as his issues are so sad and so treatable with qualified and experienced psychosexual support. He loves this of course!Please tell me how I can pull back. I want to remain friends, but i feel drained very often from him, yet we work together. I sometimes feel like Im an option rather than a priority to him.. Im not a big believer in words. I judge by action.I feel like such a clown...always being there, always available, putting his needs ahead of my own at times..Im really mad with myself but would really appreciate some gentle guidance as to how to deal with this. To add, As I am the only person that he has ever discussed his sexual issues with, I almost feel like a have to be a support.However as soon as He is with friends/girlfriend etc, A generic text or a quick hello is about the best I could expect. I realise my expectations have been too high..but I really never saw this one sidedness creeping in and Im mad with myself...Any words of wisdom would be so appreciated thanks

If you want to maintain the relationship but on different terms you can only change yourself. Don't be so quick to reply. Don't over extend yourself. In honesty, you may be the only person he has told about his problems to date but can you advise him to speak to a counselor or therapist. Be there for him a little less and prioritize yourself. I think you'd feel stronger for it.

“Now that we have talked about your issues a number of times, I am wondering of it would be best for you to seek professional help. I am starting to feel that I am not able to offer the level of support you need.”

However in my experience it is difficult to change the dynamics of a friendship without having some kind of break.

Thanks for your ideas. The situation is just so intense and I'm really worried about it and don't want to hurt him but yes I think I am an option

Believe me. Boundaries are always a good thing. I wish I had learnt it earlier in life. Start making some small ones as others have suggested. He may then take notice and actually ask how you are!

Every time he brings up his issues turn it back on him and ask 'so what help are you getting for it then?' Then change the subject. Or disengage if messaging and get back to some work if at work. Every single time. If he asks you why you're not supporting him any more just say you don't feel you can offer the help he needs and you find it draining to talk about it so much.

You feel drained because offering so much support is draining if you're getting nothing back.

Draw boundaries like pp said. What I've observed about boundaries is that people respect you hugely when you have them.

"Hi [insert name here]
That sounds tough. I think you should get some professional help about it, I'm sure they can help you. Sevenatenine3 x"

"But you're so good at listening blah blah..."

"A professional is the best person to help you with this, not me. x "

Do you have feelings for him?

not romantic feelings no but definitely strong platonic feelings in that I worry about him and see him walk into one disaster after another and feel like I was the one always available at the end of the phone to help or guide him. Wondering if I have become almost a mother figure for him
However I would say I get the feelings sometimes that there may be romantic feelings on his part or at least an attraction of sorts . I don't feel comfortable detaching because I feel so guilty but I know it's the right thing to d and thank you for your thoughts. I've already stopped answering texts so quickly and jumping in to acknowledge his news or his problems . He has already starting to text more or send videos / funny memes etc . He knows something's up as I am normally so friendly and available for chatting .however it is apparent now that it is only when he hasn't anything better to be doing . He is such a lovely lovely person , we get on so well so I really don't think it's intentional selfishness but I still feel like an absolute fool and dare I say it, used . What if he asks me straight out what's up? Would I be honest or just say nothing at all and continue to pull back? I've already had to talk to him about crossing boundaries ie personal physical
Compliments / alluding to more of a friendship etc . Thanks for reading and again , for your guidance

I would be honest. Though if he has romantic feelings for you that does complicate things.

Can you talk to him about how one-sided your friendship is?

You need to prioritise yourself. Needy people are draining and can be ultimately toxic. Gently detach.

Yes maybe he is needy. I just feel that I am almost an ego stroke for him.We had so much contact, he knows that I care very deeply for him and that i worry about him. I think that now we have come to a stage where he can almost guarantee that i will be available so he is just taking the piss, i think....aaah Jenny will be there for me whenever Im bored/lonely/worried etc. Meanwhile, he gets on with his life and virtually ignores me when he is otherwise engaged. feel like a mug.Im sure there are names for fools like me ? know that he loves me to bits , in his mind; but his actions are that of a man who loves the ego stroke and the attention of an older woman who advises him and worries about him , a bit more. Feeling sad and disappointed. Thanks for the replies ladies

I would be honest with him. "I found it quite hurtful last weekend when I told you I was ill, you didn't even ask how I was. If you told me you were ill I would be telling you feel better soon, is there anything I can drop round for you, etc."

Then just leave the ball in his court.

Do you think you have developed more of a parent - child relationship (which is often selfish on the child's part) rather than a friendship of 2 adults?

It does sound a bit like a mother/son relationship - time to tell him he needs to seek appropriate help for his issues and stop using you. Then widen your social circle and find friends who will be interested in you and cherish you.