I think my marriage is over

[mumofboysnot1but2]

Hi
I have been with my husband for 11 years, only married for 1. We have 2 children together and he has a son from a previous relationship. To be honest things weren't great be for we got married, we had been arguing quite a bit but I felt it was the right thing to do.

We have had a lot of cap in our first year of marriage, none of it self inflicted. After just 4 months of being married we recurved a fought phone call from a social worker informing us that we have to collect my stepson from school and keep him. Not to let him have any contact with his mum until they gave sorted things out. Fast forward 9 months and he us still with us, which I have no problem with, I love him to bits and have always treated him as my own. The final court hearing is within the next few weeks and it is likely he will be placed with us on a permanent basis. There has been a history of heavy drug use and domestic violence at his mum's house and unfortunately things haven't changed on her behalf in the slightest. Any way the past 9 months have been very intrusive, social workers have had to complete assessments on us, visit our home regularly, watch me cook tea etc the list goes on! There is absolutely nothing wrong with us, they say we have a strong family bond etc.
The change in family dynamic has been dramatic. I love having my stepson with us but it has just been do stressful for all of us, however, I dont know how much more I can take.

My husband has stopped talking to me, he falls asleep on the sofa every night and rarely comes to bed before am. I feel like a skivvy basically. I do everything I'm the house, sort everything for the three boys.

I feel so out of my depth, I feel like I can't do this any more. We are more like flatmates than husband and wife. He doesnt help with the chores unless I fall out with him and he does him to help. I feel uncomfortable around him, I feel unloved and unwanted. Basically like a skivvy rather than a wife.
I don't think I want to be with him anymore,I feel so torn because I don't think I love him the way I am supposed to. With all the stuff going on with court etc everyone has said I will feel different once it's over but I don't believe I will. I feel uncomfortable when he touches me, when he talks to me I find him annoying and boring. We haven't slept together for ages,mainly due to him sleeping on the sofa til stupid o'clock in the morning.

I just don't know what to do at all!

Sounds very stressful. Have you spoken to him OP?

So sorry you're in this situation. 3 boys is a hell of a lot of work. It sounds like your husband has disengaged from the reality of what it means to manage a house and family. It's about partnership, teamwork and supporting each other. If this really has turned into a one way street - and you feeling like a skivvy is a very real and valid indicator - then I think you need to tell him in words that he cannot ignore.

This is not about starting a row. It's about saying very calmly once the kids are in bed that you need to say something. Be very specific. Pick out the points you have raised in your original post. Write it down if you need it to keep on track.

His reaction will probably tell you everything you need to know. It sounds like this marriage wasn't exactly made in heaven, and it's better to move on with your kids and be happy than to remain in a miserable marriage.

It all sounds very stressful. Talk to him calmly and express how you feel...or write to him if you'll find talking difficult.

If you left him...he'd have to do everything for his son..So he really ought to realise that and buck up.

Acknowledge the stress on both of you... but emphasise how an awful lot is falling on you and how it makes you feel.

Make it clear that it a not about your SS (that you love him and your home is the best place for him right now) ..but your DH and his behaviour.

Ice tried speaking to him a number of times. Every time I do he just walks away, he won't talk to me about it at all. I've tried saying that things have changed between us to the point we don't even know how to talk to each other anymore. He says nothing has changed at all. It's like he doesn't want to admit to it.
I'm just finding it really difficult at the moment to the point that I am crying every day. I don't feel like myself anymore. The only time I do is when I am at work away from the stresses.
I have told him that my Ss being here isn't the problem,I have always made it clear that our home is his home.

I think you need to tell him that you are at the point of leaving. Do either have parents that can help you and give him a kick up the bum? Another option may be to confide in your social worker if you trust them.

The only thing that will make him sit up and notice is for you to plan to separate and for you to be deadly serious about it. Anything else is a waste of breath now. He has no motivation to change anything until you show him how serious things are. So no idle threats, but real calm serious discussion about how you separate. I'm sorry.

What about counselling? Help say the things you need to say? Rather than falling asleep every night he should be doing some chores before bed to pull his weight. You are being treated like a slave! No wonder you aren’t happy. Stop doing his washing for a start and just do the essentials. Don’t cook for him either. Feed the kids early. When he gets home, tell him he’s cooking for youboth. Time to put your foot down

It sounds to me like perhaps his mental health is suffering from the custody thing (sorry if that's not the right terminology). That's not to excuse his behaviour but perhaps in part explain it. He sounds exhausted, perhaps depression or worries about how you (as a family) will cope with the extra child permanently, perhaps financial?

Meanwhile you sound exhausted and at the end of your tether and I don't blame you, I would be too.

Has he always not done chores? Is he more tired than usual?

I guess you have the added stress of what will happen to SS if you and he split before everything is in place? And, for that matter, if you split after. I personally wouldn't talk to the SW about it because it might jeopardise the placement of SS with you.

Honestly,I don't know what I'd do in your shoes. Can you afford a cleaner or home help of some kind for 6 months to get you through this period of time, then reassess?

to be honest things weren't great before we got married

Sigh. How often do we see that on MN? Far too often. If things weren't great anyway, throwing all this new additional stress - not of your stepson's making - into the mix was never going to make things better.

You've tried to talk. Your husband is having none of it. Tell him you're going to leave. Your responsibility is first and foremost your health to ensure you can look after yourself to enable you to look after your children. And sad though it is, it may well be that you have to leave with your two children and he will have to sort out what happens with his stepson himself.

Him refusing to talk would be a problem for me.

I'm sure money isn't free flowing, but I'd be thinking of a seperation. Perhaps he'll realise how much you do then.

Sorry only just catching up with this. Things are still the same I'm afraid. We were meant to have the final hearing at court 2 weeks ago but the goal posts moved again so now this is going to go on until the beginning of Feb! I don't know if I can take it.
I have tried to speak to him several times but still I'm getting nothing from him. My ss behaviour I'd getting worse. I'm afraid that my 2 will start to copy him and I don't want that. Hubby has started to help a little but still only occasionally.
He Is still sleeping downstairs a lot of the time and then moaning that we aren't having sex. I don't know how I can sleep with someone tht doesn't make me feel loved and respected .
I feel that I am stuck in this situation until after the final hearing as I don't want to jeopardise my ss safety and hi. Potentially ending up in care.

I'm ready to run off!

I think you need to be honest with him about wanting to get out of the relationship unless things change and tell him you will inform the social workers too.

It’s no good papering over the cracks and living a lie because it’s not good for the son. What if you split up soon after he is placed with you? Maybe your husband wouldn’t cope with him on his own or doesn’t even want to parent him full time. He’s not exactly parenting him now from what you say. Placing the son with you when your relationship is breaking down is the worst thing that could happen to him because there is a risk of another family breakdown.

I have told him that I want to leave, i hve asked him to leave. His reply "Thanks, now my son isn't going have anywhere to go". So this makes me feel extremely guilty. I'm stuck and I don't know which way to go

Why can’t you separate and he sets himself up in a new home with his son?

Honestly, I don't know. He says he will have no where to go. I don't know if he thinks He couldn't afford his own place or what. I think he believes he wouldn't cope on his own. In all honesty given the choice u think my ss would prefer to stay with me anyway. Which wouldn't help my situation with running around nd sorting everything.

If a couple separate/divorce they both need their own place! The finances would have to be sorted obviously but sadly that’s what happens when you split.

What about divorcing and coming to some kind of shared parenting arrangement with all the children?

You are both treating each other badly - OP - you’ve made no secret of your resentment and rejection of him - how is he supposed to make you feel loved when you can’t bare him to touch you and you find him annoying and boring?
I’m not excusing his behaviour- which sounds like severe anxiety, stress and depression- but I think you have to find a way to be kinder to each other rather than threats and ultimatums, and recognise the enourmous stress you are both under.

Agree with @Dadaist

If you really feel that the relationship is beyond repair than you may be doing more damage by staying rather than going. But it does sound like your husband is depressed.

If you feel it can be saved would you consider counselling?

It sounds as if he needs you as a housekeeper and a carer for his son. Can you afford to split up? Would you have somewhere to live?