Husband unfaithful

[Riss70]

Kinda confused here - have recently found out that my husband of 7 years was unfaithful and I didn't really feel anything about it. Now a week or so later I have mixed feelings and they still do not seem ot be directly about the infidelity. It was with a girl who works in the same place as I do and she has a terrible reputation. To that end I feel humiliation and don't understand why it was not me who displayed a complete lack of backbone.

We had been experiencing diffculties for some time and when I confronted him after hearing it at work he claimed to not know who I was speaking of by name but when I described her he admitted sleeping with her but still claimed to not have known her name until I said it.

I suggested that he leave but he says he wants to work through this - he does nothing to meet my emotional needs but is a good father and allthough I say things had not been good there were not constant arguements just no connection. anyone something - I feel abnormal I think I should be outraged and tearing strips of him and her (having her sacked but I don't feel any of those things youa re supposed to feel)

Do you want to stay in a relationship with your husband?

I am not sure - it is not that bad I want out but by the same token I can not imagine it continuing on the same path without further infidelities occuring as neither of us (apparently) are having our needs met

Perhaps some relationship counselling might help for you both to talk through how you feel and what you want for the future?

You don't sound as though you love him anymore tbh. And maybe you are right, maybe things have just run their course

To be honest I don't know that I do love him but he is a gentle and loving father and yes we are considering relationship counselling but I don't know that we can rebuild what we had - I kinda think that we have grown differntly

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You sound in shock to me. I hope things work out for you.

Riss, I'd set up the counselling and see where it takes you.

As you say he is a kind and loving father, this really makes me think that counselling may be of use; he obviously can show that side of himself, and he may just need help to show it to you.

Of course the betrayal has been a big one, but I think it's worth making your kids the priority here by focussing on your relationship; give counselling a go because at the moment they have a mum and dad who are together. And if that can be preserved, then that's the best thing you as mum and dad can do in this situation.

It also sounds (from my insanely nosey checking of your profile ) that you don't have any time as a couple, you don't have babysitters etc so that you can go out any more...I think it's well worth prioritising sitters. I know many people are hesitant to use an agency but if it comes to that, do it; because by prioritising your relationship, you are prioritising your children.

Thank you for you input people it is very much appreciated.

I actually don't feel as though the one night stand was the ultimate betrayal that would most likely be a full on affair. And I am unsure if it is his manipulations or not but we are actually communicating better than we have for a long long time - more meaning and less yeah whatever will shut him/her up.

I am very much for keeping the family together if at all possible - I work in welfare and see what broken homes can do even many of the apparent functional seperated families - there is inevitably some kind of impact some where down the track. In saying that I am not prepared to compromise the sanctity of family and my dignity to condone a perpetually straying husband - if we are to work this through this I think it must be established that this is the one and only chnce he will get regarding infidelity. I am not sure how to make that clear.

Tell him. Good luck to you.

Yes I suppose that is the only way and thanks for your well wishes

Riss, because some people go completely mental over even the thought of infidelity doesn't mean that it has to matter that much. It isn't necessarily a very big deal. Sor out what you want to happen next, what your husband wants to happen next and act accordingly, but don't waste any time worrying about what you are supposed to be feeling or doing, because everyone is different.

I am so pleased to read that - I thought there was something quite wrong with my thought patterns.

He claims to want to work things out but can not give me a reason other than "we have come this far" and "I want us to enjoy each other again".

I don't feel strongly enough about it to tell him to leave, I asked him to but when he said he didn't want to I accepted that but said that it would take me some time to sort out if I wanted to sort through this and that if we did we would have to go to relationship counselling - he said that he was fine with me taking time and attending counselling.

Why is it supposedly the be all and end all in a relaionship....I mean I couldn't have an open relationship but I don't feel as though this one mistake should mean all is over after 7 years of marriage

I guess I want him to clarify why he wants to try and sort it out so that I can determine if his reasons are genuine or if he is just saying that because we are new to the area and almost 1000km from family/friends and he has no where to go immeadiately

Is it that you want to know if he still loves you?

not sure - i think I just want to know his reasons so that we don't just drag out the inevitable if he really isn't committed to trying to sort it out.

If his reasons are entirely selfish then to me that would indicate that he is only prpared to try as long as it is easy for him and suits him - you know drop the bottom lip and say "na no you won't let me go out all night with the boys I don't want to do this anymore", He is quite selfish and immature for a man in his thirties and regularly spends his time out drinking with the lads where he HAS to be the last to go home etc (which is why it was so easy to have a one night stand - go out drinking afte work until the wee hours and end up alone with someone).

I don't think either of us are in love anymore there are aspects of one another that we admire perhaps