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Relationships

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Original poster

My partner cheated on me and almost gave me an STI

24 replies

tarikat · 04/09/2018 00:52

Hi,

I’m in my early 20s and have been with my partner for two years.

As a pre info; We have a rule that when we go out and get drunk in clubs etc, if we happen to kiss someone then that’s it and no more. As we both like partying.

My boyfriend suddenly decided to get an STI check up, which is fair enough as he had an STI in the past. We have been having un protected sex for a long while. He tested positive for an STI, so we assumed it was from before and hadn’t cleared up. OK not ideal, so I went to get tested and came back clear thankfully, but had meds anyway.

The doctor said that statistically I should have the STI if it was from an infection 2 years ago from my partner. Ee it’s more recent.

So I questioned him, and he really kicked off and said how could I accuse him of cheating. So I apologised and did some more research that concluded it must have come from somewhere else.

I asked him calmly again and that I wouldn’t feel angry. He admitted he was jealous of me for kissing someone in a nightclub and so had unprotected sex with someone he met in a nightclub.

I’m really not sure how I feel, I do love him. But not as much as I used to. I don’t feel angry that he had sex with someone else, but more betrayal that he’s lied to me. AND that he almost gave me an STI.

Sorry it just helps to write it down, as I don’t have any friends I can discuss this with.

Does anyone have an advice on how to process cheating?
How should I deal with this?

OP posts:

Kennycalmit · 04/09/2018 01:11

So much is wrong here

Okay it’s your relationship and you set your own boundaries. But those boundaries clearly aren’t working. You say you’re both okay with kissing other people on nights out ( ) but you clearly aren’t. He admitted he was jealous.

Secondly, to sleep with someone else unprotected and blame it on you kissing someone else is mad.

Thirdly, I don’t believe this std came from before. He’s obviously caught it recently. If you’ve been having unprotected sex for so long, you would’ve almost certainly caught it had he had the disease from the beginning

You’re not bothered about him kissing other girls on nights out. You’re not angry that he’s slept with someone else. He carelessly sleeps around having unprotected sex and I doubt that was the first time either. The whole relationship seems very immature with boundaries that neither of you are happy with. I don’t see a point to this relationship, move on so you can both find someone to actually commit to

User1011 · 04/09/2018 05:11

Are you relationship or FWB?

Because in a relationship you wouldn’t kiss other people in a nightclub.

Monty27 · 04/09/2018 05:40

How can you ALMOST get an STI?

cakecakecheese · 04/09/2018 06:50

Yeah the 'it's ok if we kiss other people' rule clearly isn't working if it's causing jealousy and revenge shags and of course you're right that the lying makes it worse. It seems very silly to be with someone for so long when there's dishonesty and kissing other people. If you're with the right person you wouldn't kiss other people even if you are drunk or whatever.

annandale · 04/09/2018 06:56

I think if you are essentially in an open relationship it would be sensible to practice safe sex?

You sound upset and it's not surprising. I hope you can both find a way forward.

pog100 · 04/09/2018 06:56

This clearly isn't a relationship that's working or indeed is worth working on. You are young, call this one a day and move on. Don't "process" cheating.

SendintheArdwolves · 04/09/2018 07:10

You may not be able to get much sensible advice on here OP - there is a huge resistance /outrage to the idea of open relationships (or even relationships that allow for the occasional make out session) . You'll get a lot of "I just don't GET how you call him your boyfriend when you both kiss other people, sounds more like you're just fuck buddies to me" and "I wouldn't be happy with my boyfriend kissing someone else so I just can't comprehend how that would be OK and therefore can't focus on any other part of the situation" and even "well, clearly this kiss-anyone rule isn't working for you, and that's why STRICT MONOGAMY is the only relationship model anyone should ever have".

Good luck OP :)

SlimmingMumOf1 · 04/09/2018 07:16

It's OK to kiss people as long as it doesn't go any further?

Oh boy.... this relationship was obviously doomed right from the start!

justme28 · 04/09/2018 07:17

I like partying too, that doesn't mean I go kissing other people.

Each couple to their own, but what a strange excuse to kiss someone else.

Angelf1sh · 04/09/2018 07:18

^ but it isn’t working though! The rule is kiss and no more but when she did that, he got jealous and fucked someone and lied about it! That’s clearly not within the rules for them.

Op, he’s lied to you about something important and has acted like you’re at fault. You did something you’d both agreed was fine, he didn’t. This early on in a relationship, with no children or mortgage etc tying him to you, you shouldn’t be so willing to put up with shit from him. This was two breaches of trust (the fucking and the lying), he put your health at risk (he didn’t need to have unprotected sex) and he’s now telling you you’re to blame for it!! This man doesn’t deserve you. You can do better. And to be clear, I’ve had open relationships in the past and they only work if you stick to the rules, if you don’t then you’re just as much of a cheat as you would be in a monogamous relationship.

Nothisispatrick · 04/09/2018 07:18

What a ridiculous set up. It was bound to go wrong.

booboo24 · 04/09/2018 07:21

That's all well and good if they are in an open relationship, which they're clearly not as he's sneaking around behind her back. He is also obviously not that happy with her kissing random guys in nightclubs. So I agree with the other posters OP, who have said this relationship isn't right for either of you. If you can handle an open relationship then this guy still isn't right for you as he clearly can't (he can manage unfaithful, he can't manage open) sorry op, I'd run a mile.

NadiaLeon · 04/09/2018 08:20

I agree Sendin

The problem with 19th Century morality is that there is a lack of flexibility when 21st Century problems occur. You only have to read most of the relationship threads to realise that fidelity doesn't work for many.

SendintheArdwolves · 04/09/2018 08:29

I'm in an open relationship and I would say that in this instance, your boyfriend has cheated.

He dealt with jealousy, not by talking to you but by childish "tit for tat" behaviour
He broke a rule of your relationship - no sex with others
He risked your health
He lied to you

He is not a good partner, OP - dump him

OutrageousFlavourLikeFreesias · 04/09/2018 08:30

He ignored a boundary you'd both agreed (no sex with other people). He then didn't admit to it. Finally, when confronted, he blamed it on you doing something you'd both agreed was acceptable (kissing someone else).

He's not mature enough to own his own actions and he wants it all to be your fault. That would be a deal breaker for me. Best of luck whatever you decide.

Whocansay · 04/09/2018 10:28

Anyone that is this cavalier with your health (and his own) should be dumped immediately. His behaviour is reckless and irresponsible. He's a complete arsehole.

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 04/09/2018 10:30

Eewww!

That is all.

PinkHeart5914 · 04/09/2018 10:36

How can you almost give a STI? you either caught it or you didn’t, no almost about it.

So you both go about kissing others, when of you fucks someone else as revenge for the other kissing someone. Ffs end it and leave relationships to the grown ups?

chasinggarlic · 04/09/2018 10:37

Just end it.

AgathaF · 04/09/2018 10:39

Do you want to be in an open relationship? Does he?

It sounds as though you either need to have a serious chat about what you both really want, to redefine your boundaries, and then to give it a go and see how it works, or you need to realise that this relationship isn't working for you and move on.

AdaColeman · 04/09/2018 11:02

He's an unfaithful liar, dump him.

But learn something about yourself here too. You were not ready for a committed relationship with this man, (or perhaps anyone yet) or you would not have been kissing someone else.
You have got a lot of growing up to do.

Take note how quick he was to blame you for his own unfaithful behaviour, you kissed someone so he had sex with someone to get even.
Don't ever accept the responsibility for another's poor behaviour. Get some firm boundaries in place, respect and value yourself and expect others to respect you as well.

SandyY2K · 04/09/2018 12:20

You both agreed boundaries. He didn't abide by them. It's clear those boundaries cause him issues or he's using it as an excuse.

Your boundaries are your business. I'm making no judgement on them.

On the basis he cheated.... I'd end it.

Even in a fully open relationship there are boundaries and rules agreed.

He risked your health. Then he lied when asked outright. Get rid.

Adora10 · 04/09/2018 14:06

So you both basically agreed it was ok to chat as long as it never went as far as kissing, how idiotic is that, like saying you can have the chocolate bar but only eat half of it, you both sound uncommitted and insecure and yes he has cheated on you and perhaps with more than one person; not a relationship I'd get anything out of other than stress.

Adora10 · 04/09/2018 14:06

cheat not chat!

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