Help me make sense of this relationship

[namechangedbutneedadvice]

I can't see the wood for the trees with it. But I know something's not 'right'. As to what's not right I don't know.

I have 2 DDs (9&7). Discovered exDH was having an affair last August, I ended it (east decision as it was the second time). In hindsight I had been unhappy for years and whilst the last year has been bloody awful, life is infinitely better in many ways. I started OLD ridiculously early (after 6 weeks) and met lovely Mr P. Been seeing him for 10 months. I've fallen in love with him.

Mr P is in a simliar situation to me, has 2 DSs (10&8), is getting divorced. I know it's early days but he is so lovely to me in a way that exDH never was from the beginning. He is family-oriented, works incredibly hard running his own business, volunteers for a charity, very hands on with his DSs, talks positively about his ex, kind to his mum and siblings, has a really can-do attitude. Not one jot of game playing from him, very straightforward, super honest, has never flinched at difficult questions I've asked him. I find him incredibly attractive, the sexual side of things is amazing and I fear, clouding my judgement.

Thing is, we're polar opposites on certain key things... meat/vegetarian, he smokes (but not around me)/I hate it, I own my own home / he lives in a house share and has large debts which he has reduced by half in the time I've been with him. He's not English and I don't speak his language. His home country is very nationalistic (he's talked about racist/homophobic attitudes) and whilst he isn't like that I suspect I'd never fit in with his family/friends. And privately wondered if he is also like this a bit too but censoring himself...

We see each other maybe once a week but have spent longer periods together maybe 4 days tops. I have briefly met one of his good friends otherwise that's it. He kept asking me to meet his friend in the beginning (and once, one of his sons) but after me refusing he has stopped asking. We're in this isolated bubble of seeing eachother and no-one else once a week. I'm getting frustrated by this but at the same time have considered ending it on a few occasions as I think I don't want a relationship at the moment. Need to sort my head out after exDH's years of cheating. Am I just looking for validation? I've honestly never been treated better. Am not convinced we have a long-term future together because of our differences and I tell myself "why should that matter just have fun, you don't want a relationship anyway?"

God I sound like a nightmare. Help please... The thoughts are like an increasingly faster game of ping pong in my head...

My partner of 15 years smoked when I met her, and I hated it. She has now given up, but because she wanted to, not for me.

She is not from this country and I speak only a few words of her language. I do not find this an issue in itself, but do feel miffed when she converses only in her own language when with friends, despite my being there - but I don't make too much fuss, because it isn't done to shut me out.

I am an atheist and she is a Roman Catholic. If she goes to church, then I simply find someone productive to do with my time.

She has three children, only two of whom now live at home, while I have none. I make an effort to eat her cuisine, and she has changed some recipes to suit my tastes.

It really is all about compromise and relationships between people who on the face of things share very little can work very well. Enjoy what you have and see what happens, but don't write off a relationship over cultural differences. He seems like a decent chap and it sounds as though you deserve him.

Sorry read that as you are seeing Mr Bean.
Sorry no help at all. ...

@xpc316e Dear God I hope that's a typo not a freudian slip and that you find something not someone productive to do with your time

He sounds great. Not perfect, but no-one is.
Either accept him or leave him. Don't bully him into changing.

Just end it with him OP. You're very different, which bothers you, and you sound as if you slightly look down on him, in the way you speak about those differences.

& what do attitudes in his country matter, if he's not displaying those attitudes to you? You've said he treats you well. Was your exH, who cheated on you, same nationality as you...? If so, didn't make him a good man did it.

He asked you to meet his friend and his son, and now you say you're in a bubble of seeing only each other...

I don't think he's the one for you and as you say, you're not ready for a relationship so ending it is best so you can work out what you really want

He sounds lovely and I think you should just enjoy it. You're independent from each other so it doesn't matter if he has debts. He's sorting them out. He treats you, his kids, his family and friends really well, the sex is great so I don't see the problem.

My parents are from different European countries but now speak each other's languages. My siblings married people from other countries and I speak 6 languages and my ex couldn't understand when I spoke those languages to people from those countries. I couldn't understand why he doesn't make an effort to learn another language. It's quite normal for northern Europeans to speak several languages and most people all over the world will speak some English. Why don't you want to meet his friends?

He wanted you to meet his mate and son but you declined. That's your choice.

You don't seem ready to be treated well and are used to less than this.

Are you scared it won't last and want to end it before it goes wrong?

To be honest, you sound almost a little racist — he’s never displayed any nationalism, but because he’s from a country known for that, you assume he’s like that, too? Any country could say that about any other, because as some point it was true (Hail Britannia anyone?). That makes me think you’re just coming up with any old excuse to keep your lives separate.

It sounds like he’s made a real effort to include you in his life, and for whatever reason you’re coming up with excuses not to get involved. Maybe you’re scared, or traumatised; maybe you’re just not as into him as you want to be; maybe you were looking for a quick ‘great love’ to even the tally against your ex and now it’s all too real.

There’s no right or wrong answer here - just what’s right for you.

Thanks everyone, really appreciate your perspectives. It's great to hear the positive experiences of overcoming cultural differences in a relationship. That's the other thing I forgot to mention, he's Catholic and a true believer whilst I'm not.

Read it back and I maybe do sound a bit judgemental. It's just how it came out though, I'm very live and let live about most things all except I really can't stand smoking. Although he does want to give up.

I didn't want to meet his friend or son as it had only been a few months and I thought it was too early. He's stopped asking now and we've agreed that it's surprising we've stayed together this long as the odds are against us. He said he doesn't know how his family & friends would react to me which makes me a little uneasy. He's just very honest though. I asked him to meet my best friend which he did and she said he was lovely.

You're right, I'm not used to being treated well. ExDH was very 'treat em mean keep em mean' which has eroded my self-confidence.

*Keen not mean!