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Original poster

Has anyone gone NC with a dm & kept it 100% until they died?

26 replies

DunkinCronuts · 03/09/2018 21:01

& how did you feel about it? Were you absolutely sure it was the right thing? Did you have any qualms if you heard they were severely unwell?

I'm looking at doing this myself.

OP posts:

MitchDash · 03/09/2018 21:47

I have been NC with my family off and on for decades. When my mum was dying I did my daughterly duties to her and spoke to my (evil) sisters so that it wasn't awkward for anyone. The day she died I went NC with my sisters again (obv DM was NC with me then).

I was NC with my dad off and on. When he became ill I visited, even though the evil sisters locked me out, banned me from hospital and banned me from his funeral when he died and wrote me out of the funeral service.

I am still NC with my sisters and that will never change now.

Messy family here but just muddled my way through doing what I felt I could live with afterwards. So do what works for you and what you feel you will be able to live with afterwards.

user764329056 · 03/09/2018 21:51

Messy family here too, have been NC with mother and sisters for 3 years, it’s irretrievable, dreading a death as no doubt will have demands from one of them for funeral money and will have to be at funeral among all the toxicity, dread seeing any of them, it’s a horrible situation and I feel for anyone in this position

Hedgehogblues · 03/09/2018 21:58

Been NC with my parents for ten years. will absolutely not break that even if they get very sick

Beingginger · 03/09/2018 22:05

My mum has been NC with her family on and off for 40 years.
My GM is a toxic narcissist and I wouldn’t spit on her if she was on fire. The last time I saw her was 14 years ago at a family wedding and I have absolutely no plans to ever see her again.
I know my mum is hugely affected by it all and she’d love to have a proper relationship with them but I think it’s gone on so long there is no coming back from it.

Mumfun · 03/09/2018 22:09

5 years NC here with a complete narcissist. No regrets. Feel grateful every day that I dont have to deal with her hate and poison. Plan to never see her again even if ill etc. Most relatives ok about it as they know what shes like. Only one who isnt is sister who has lower level narcissim and is the golden child. Now NC with her too.

fresh · 03/09/2018 22:14

Yes, I did. It was the only way I was ever going to be able to be a functioning partner and parent - a functioning human actually. Neither Dsis managed to do the same and our relationships have never really recovered. She was unwell towards the end but she'd been playing the unwell card all my life to keep me in line so I was inured to it by then. She's been dead years now and I don't regret it.

Distancehelp · 03/09/2018 22:18

NC with both parents for 7 years. Heard DM was dying but chose not to be in contact.

NewMeStartsHere · 03/09/2018 22:23

NC with M for 18 years and no intention of contact. Ever.

Singlenotsingle · 03/09/2018 22:34

I left home at 18 and my DM and dsis followed, leaving F on his own. I never went back, and heard several years later that F had died. I had no relationship with him and felt nothing.

Bimgy85 · 03/09/2018 22:37

What's nc? Thought it was name changed for ages clearly not :(

rainingcatsanddog · 03/09/2018 22:37

Been NC for 20 years. No regrets and wouldn't attend her funeral.

rainingcatsanddog · 03/09/2018 22:38

NC means No Contact

Hedgehogblues · 03/09/2018 22:38

What's nc? Thought it was name changed for ages clearly not

No Contact

Usernom1234567890 · 03/09/2018 22:39

NC=no contact

crazydoglady6867 · 03/09/2018 22:46

I am NC with all but 1 member of my family and when my M was ill recently I did visit her but purely to save my only DS any grief if I didn’t. My other DS is dead to me anyway and even though I will visit if one of my parents are gravely Ill or die I honestly believe I won’t be sad and actually think the day they are both dead will make things a lot easier for me as I will no longer feel I need to pretend to care about them for my DS sake. Hope that makes sense😄

MrsRespoDad · 03/09/2018 23:19

DS and DS? I'm confused, dear.

crazydoglady6867 · 04/09/2018 07:02

mrs. God I am now I have reread it, trust me it’s not that interesting to try and explain it properly

Aussiebean · 04/09/2018 07:35

I spoke to my dh the other day about this.

I have no idea how I will handle this when the time comes. Kind of hoping it is a quick and unexpected death, rather than a long and lingering death so there is no thought to having to have to go and see or talk to her.

But, right now, it is the best for me, my mental health and for my family for her not to be in it. Barring a massive personality transplant on her part, that won’t change.

So I will deal with it when it happens, and enjoy my life without, crippling doubt and anxiety and horrific self esteem plaguing it.

Alysanne · 04/09/2018 07:52

Six years NC until this year when my brother was in an accident. I was cut out of arranging his funeral and the euology they gave was awful. It didn't reflect my brother and his amazing life at all.

The funeral reaffirmed my belief that cutting them out my life was the best thing I've ever done. I later discovered they raided my brothers bank account, leaving his partner with nothing. Then used the money to go on holiday. (They were not married and he had no will so my parents who he barely spoke to were next of kin)

I'm looking forward to the day I get a call one of them has passed. I never want them near any children I may eventually have. Horrible people.

HereIgoagainxx · 04/09/2018 07:58

NC with father for 34 years. If I heard he died I don't think I'd even batter an eyelid.

Hoppinggreen · 04/09/2018 07:59

Not my mum but my father
He died about 6 years later, I didn’t go to see him in hospital or his funeral and I have no regrets at all

dragonflyflew · 04/09/2018 08:02

I'm intending to continue nc until her death. She's a bad woman. I'm completely fucked emotionally, physically and mentally due to her cruelty and neglect, she's recently been diagnosed with mental illness but that doesn't take away how evil and toxic she is.
I begged her to get help for as long as I had the brains to realise and she refused, blaming everyone else for her shortcomings.
I don't know how I'll feel when she dies, relief mixed with regret I guess. . .

HalfGreekBitch · 04/09/2018 08:13

My mother began the process when she upped and left when i was 18. I tried really hard for the first 12-15 years but she was detached and negative and made a new life that did not include her children or own family. I made the conscious decision that she was either “in” or “out” as did not want my DC to feel unloved or unimportant and I have never regretted that decision. She was in touch a few years back with a family member when she needed money, no surprise but nothing since. She was a lovely mum growing up which is why when she left and stayed away it was so devastating for us all. However, I am nearly 47 and when “that day comes” I know I have no regrets and can live with my decision. That was always the question I asked myself and for a long time I couldn't say I was reconciled but I have been for a long time now. Really really sad but I let it fuck up my twenties big time and I would never let her back in now.

eyycarumba · 04/09/2018 10:49

I haven't spoken to my birth mother in a decade, my siblings haven't spoken to her for 25+. She's a cesspit of a human, to put it politely. Brought us nothing but misery, I don't miss her, she never did anything positive for us except showed us how not to treat your children. There were 7 of us, every single one of us has MH issues due to our childhoods but none of us are bad parents, by some miracle the next gen of our family seem to turning out quite successful and well rounded - with no input from 'grandmother'.

Absolutely no interest in seeing or speaking to her again, wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire. When she dies I'll say the exact same thing she said about my gran when I told her she had died - 'Shit happens'. I don't want anything from her, none of us do. I feel very sorry for my one sibling who it will probably fall on to make arrangements.

Oceanbliss · 04/09/2018 11:53

I've gone nc with my mother and sister twice. This second time for over 5yrs and nc with whole family. The first time I got back in contact briefly because my Nanna who meant the world to me and we always had a good relationship, had a heart attack. I flew up that day to sit with Nanna. She passed away that night. I'm so glad I got to sit with her and tell her I loved her. Aunties convinced me to give my mother another chance. I hoped that the years of NC might have made a difference and somehow she would want to mend relationship. Naive of me. Abusive, manipulative, devoid of any empathy, cruel and a little bit sadistic. I've had to accept that people like that never change, no matter how much love you give them. I always loved my mother no matter what (I really can't call her mum anymore). I really don't know how I'll feel when she dies. Maybe relief. I think the process of accepting that she is what she is and that there is absolutely nothing I can do that would get her to love me or at very least have any remorse for her abusive behavior, has been a process of grieving. I'm hoping that when she dies I'll just feel relieved because I've grieved enough already. Going nc has been a good decision for me. Though I am still undecided about my sister.

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