Why oh why did I sabotage possible relationship!?

[ru345]

Feel I need to explain some of my disastrous past relationships before I go to current...sorry it’s long!

15 yrs ago ex left me pregnant for OW on OLD. When I applied for courts for CM he attacked my house in a threatening way for me to stop courts for 6 yrs arson threats/kicking front door in etc ...v frightening and police gave CCTV in end which he carried on doing less aggressive things like drive past and park outside out of view of CCTV. After 18 months I turned CCTV off so I could try and move forward.

I did and 18 months ago had my first brief relationship with someone off OLD I fell head over heels but after 6 weeks he stated he wanted to stay on OLD and not commit (player). That hurt me so bad! It was also the cruel feedback of ‘you will never meet anyone with a disabled child’ etc my confidence sunk to an all time low.

Roll on had a few coffee pre dates since then via OLD. Believed last ex telling me I’d never find anyone etc...

Roll on 3 weeks ago met and totally clicked with bloke OLD chatting for hours into the night every night for 10 days felt I had connected with someone...we met for first date it was amazing romantic and could not have gone any better!

Three days later I noticed his messages had dropped off and didn’t ask me how I was (recent operation and he was asking daily) and stopped saying ‘I miss you’ and I had to text him in the morning as he stopped after first date and just talked about himself when he replied.
Immediately I became paranoid he was going to leave so after 3 days I finished it....but I was falling for him deeply. Why was I so stupid to end it? I am trying to process it all. Anyway 2 days later I apologised and tried to explain my past with ex 15 yrs ago and he doesn’t want to know...wants to stay friends online and is polite replies and back he is back on OLD.

I don’t know what else to do to try to explain my insecurities and fear of abandonment etc he is being sweet but what else can I do? I think I destroyed what would have been maybe my only chance of happiness and my possible soulmate. Why did I sabotage what may could have been my last chance of love?

Deep breath. You have definitely not destroyed your last chance at happiness or lost the love of your life.

You had a date with a man, and then you realised he was cooling off. You asked him about it, and he took the chance to end youe interactions. He had already decided he wasn't that into you, and you asking him just hastened something that was already on its way out.

I know it hurts, but this guy wasn't the guy for you. It's a useful illustration of how online chatting can create a false sense of intimacy very quickly.

Don't beat yourself up - be kind to yourself, allow yourself to be sad that this isn't going to work out, and go on a few more dates. Try not to invest so heavily - I know that's easier said than done

You didnt sabotage it, but perhaps as you haven't had a relationship for so long, and have a child, you might need to look at some sort of counselling about personal boundaries and how to manage them, as to be fair, nobody I know knew about boundaries as a young teen, and it sounds like you were a young teen in this relationship.

I don't mean to be patronising, you are obviously a brilliant parent with your DS, but might need to backtrack and rebuild you.

You are clearly a good person. And, no man is ever worth crying over, ever, you are better than that. No real good man will make you cry.

And, you will never be abandoned. Your son will never abandon you, nor you him. And any man who cannot accept that is not worth your time and energy.

His reaction shows more about his insecurities than yours.

Thank you both for your kind words
sending your right I need to put it into perspective it was one date and I fell for the emotional attachment prior to even meeting not used to that intensity online felt like I was I love before I even met him daft hey!

ModreB yes I so feel I only have very limited experience when it comes to relationships and teens possibly got more experience and hours than me invested as I just was so busy with my child and also the bad treatment off the father for several years put me off even wanting to date. I will try and get some books on relationship boundaries and read up as this OLD is a far far alien thing compared to face to face back in 2003. And thank you so much for reminding me that I have the love of my boy that helps me feel better...you are both right this is more about him I just now wish him happiness and peace as I do care for him a lot.

It is a hard lesson but hopefully you know how not to over invest emotionally with someone you've never met. To be fair it sounds like he did too. Then you went on a date and he realised he didn't want further romance. Dont take it personally. It's very easy to conjure up a perfect man/ woman when chatting online. In reality the person is probably very different.

Take it slowly and date lots of people, don't over invest and find someone who treats you wonderfully. Move on from anyone who isn't good to you.

Thanks Horse I have a lot of learning and dating experience to do. I am not used to dating lots of different men...I don't blame him he fell emotionally deeply too...so maybe just as vulnerable as me! All great advice!

You actually did the right thing. You noticed a change in his behaviour. Always listen to that gut feeling. Many a time I ignored it and it played out how I thought it would - badly.

He came on really strong which draws you in and then he went cold leaving you thinking WTF? He had probably already found some one new to catch his attention.

OLD is savage, it’s not for the faint hearted. I met loads of dickheads on there that just wanted to dick about.

I’d give OLD a miss for a while and work on your self esteem so that you can see the difference between some one that is grafting you and some one that genuinely liked you and willing to take it slow to build a friendship then in to a relationship.

Standby I never thought of it like that thank you! Yes it was a ‘gut feeling’ and sent message as just couldn’t hold back....maybe my intuition if it wasn’t right! So talking about it here has helped me realise I didn’t sabotage it I ended it promptly before it went downhill that actually makes me feel so much better I made the right decision!

It was my first time ever ending a relationship so wasn’t sure if it was being a totally cold person ...but this has helped me see clearer! I was right to end it and should not feel bad!

I can’t read men at all not able to work out if they genuinely like me or a player however what this has shown me thanks Standby is defo that I need to listen to my gut feeling that will tell me! This has actually helped my confidence and saved me future relationship disaster like in past and yes your right friendship building into relationship is important!

One bit of advice is not to confide in potential dates /people you've only been seeing a short time about the bad relationships you've been in in the past. It shows bad boundaries, it makes you feel over invested, and most importantly, it is a dog whistle to other unpleasant men that you are vulnerable to future abuse.

You say that this guy knew all about your trust issues and relationship history - you had one date, he should not know such personal stuff. I know you hope that, by telling him about the poor treatment you've endured in the past, he will be more likely to treat you better, but it doesn't work like that.

Thanks sendin a good boundary for the future I didn’t mean to he was asking I guess over the 10 days chatting lots he wanted to know everything about me. I was being open and honest will be more guarded in future.

ru you can read men. You spotted him pulling away. And you will see it all the time now.

OLD for me is a cattle market, your in the minority if you meet some one and settle down. Men use it as a menu to pick and choose while most women are looking for company and a loving relationship.

My bil is on them and freely admits he goes for single parent women as they are easier targets. Just because who you invest time in