To wonder what’s going on?

[Surfinbird]

Some back story -

Me and my oh have been together for years, and have quite a close friendship with another couple who don’t live nearby. We have holidayed with them and last saw them at my FIL funeral.

My oh considers them to be best friends, but I haven’t been as close this year since my mum passed away. I haven’t felt like myself at all actually, and it has had an effect on my relationship with oh. Sometimes we barely say a word to each other, but other days we are fine.

The woman in the couple we are friends with has been messaging my oh recently, for days at a time. They’ve never been had this sort of friendship before, generally it’s been me and her, and her oh and my oh. Primarily we were friend with her oh first.
Every time my oh’s phone pings he smiles to himself, sometimes disappearing to reply. I don’t know what is being said in the messages but I do think the woman is in a happy relationship and don’t think she would see anything in my oh that she doesn’t already have ?
( although he did say that she said hello a few days ago)

This woman is pretty, and her oh is good looking also. everyone who meets her seems to love her which irritates me occasionally. she is actually very nice and has sent me lots of messages of support after my mum passed even when I didn’t reply.
My ohs father died not long after my mum and she painted beautiful memorial piece for him, and it’s been since then that my oh seems to always talk about the two of them and how great they are.
He also mentioned moving closer to them, which I don’t want to do as I don’t want to leave my family behind.

Is this just friendship? Am I being insecure ? Or is there something more going on x

I’m gonna say no then ? Lol

You need to see the messages really.

Sorry, bit premature.

You need to see the messages really.
That should give you an answer.
Don’t judge until you’ve seen it.
And don’t let this lot convince you that something is going on.

Have you seen any of the messages? Ask to see them and if your oh refuses or says he's deleted them you will know something is going on. Him leaving the room to reply to her messages is VERY suspicious imo.

I think he is developing a friendship with her that is making you uncomfortable.

As for moving closer to them... this sounds exteme... surely you both see enough of them? Definitely don't agree with this move. You will be far away from your support network and he will closer to this woman he seems to have taken a deeper interest in.

The smile when reading the messages.
When my friend's exH started his affair this was the first thing she noticed when looking back. It was at the about to cross over into full emotional affair stage.

Explain you are uncomfortable and want to see the messages. If this is innocent he'll give you a cuddle and say don't be daft and willingly hand over his phone.

Oh also there was a poster on here who was on a relocation thread the same time as me and it turned out a year later her DH moved the whole family during the affair and marriage counselling (!) to be closer to the OW. So it's not unheard of!

Don’t move away from your family! Why would anybody move to be closer to one random friend couple? That’s really really weird and a huge red flag!

I read some last night behind his back. 90% of it is friendly chat, she’s joking about things etc.
I did see that he had complained about me not doing more around the house, which has upset me because she is a ‘perfect housewife’ ( she doesn’t work, but does have a young child) he even compliments her on this. :/
There is also a couple of messages with a wierd undertone, they’ve been having an ongoing argument that isn’t an argument about who misses the other more. But they say a lot ‘ we miss you two’ rather than just I miss you. Also a couple of things that could be a bit sexual but she seems to have shut him down, albeit in a very flirty manner ‘ don’t be so dirty!’ He replies ‘ don’t know what you mean’ she says ‘ yes you do.’ Then changes the subject.

I really don’t know how to feel about it, it’s hard because I know her well and I’m not sure if she thinks that my oh means anything from these messages. But it is a bit wierd for two people to be messaging everyday though for so long?

Do I tell him Iv seen the messages ? Why hasn’t he told me more about them?

Ps. To other posters, I couldn’t ask to go through his phone he would point blank refuse, and I don’t know if I could argue the toss about getting it without revealing Iv already seen a few messages. Thankyou all

Ps, he said he wants to move because he likes where they live, but when we have holidayed there all he wanted to do was see this couple and eat dinners with them, go for days out etc. It felt like I was a spare part..

Sounds wrong
He is over stepping the mark

He is on a slippery path imo.

I wouldn't let him know you've seen the messages.
So far it's 'almost' innocent but things can escalate quite quickly.
Keep an eye on it for now and see what happens.

He is being emotionally unfaithful to you. The content and extent of messaging would make most partners uncomfortable. He is investing emotionally in her by complimenting her and testing the waters by making slightly sexual comments to see her reaction. He's spending a huge amount of time and effort on messaging her. That's unfair to you. He should be making this effort for YOU. As for complaining about you to her, that's unacceptable. The whole relationship with her has crossed a line now. The messages may seem mostly friendly now but this is how a lot of affairs start.

I don't know how you can proceed without letting him know you've seen the messages. Why are you unwilling to confront him? He's the one in the wrong. He gave you reason to snoop.

I would personally message the woman and let her know you're not happy with her messaging your husband and it's interfering with your marriage. Tell her to back off. No more messaging.
I wouldn't care about making things uncomfortable for her or ending this couple friendship. She's a threat to your marriage. Time to end the friendship.

Then I would confront my husband. You need to tell him you saw the messages and you consider it unacceptable he's giving her so much headspace. I would tell him he needs to end the friendship with this couple or you walk. It's his fault this friendship has to end. He crossed a line. If the woman's husband asks why so be it. That's also on your husband.

Don't settle for him saying i won't message her as much or message her at all. He'll be at it again before you know it.

I really don't understand why women are scared to confront their oh over these things. I think women are conditioned to never make a fuss put up and shut up. Forget that. I would go batshit crazy. For me it would be make or break time. He has to prove he wants to be with you. Or else what's the point of being in a relationship?

Definitely inappropriate.

I’d just be honest. Say you had concerns so you’re not proud but you checked his phone and you’re glad you did, because you can see that your friendship with this couple has turned into a much more intimate one to one friendship with her. I bet her husband doesn’t know either.

And that you expect him to respect your relationship and knock it off and think it’d be best for the relationship to not see them for a while. If he values you and the marriage at all he’ll stop messaging her. If he doesn’t you have bigger problems on your hands.

It’s inappropriate and he knows it. Don’t be so ashamed of snooping you don’t have it out with him, it’s a good thing you did and you had cause to!

It’s a basic rule in couple friendships. I wouldn’t dream of striking up a secretive deeper nonstop messaging intimate friendship with a friend’s partner. I wouldn’t trust this woman even if you think you’re friends.

I wouldn't like this either. I would be inclined to ask your OH if HER OH is aware of all these messages. I bet he doesn't know and wouldn't like it if he did.

Obviously could be wrong here but I think in addition to their emotional affair, they've had some sexual contact like a kiss and decided to 'just be friends' hence the shutting down of dirtier flirtier messages.

Have you looked up emotional affairs? You don't confront this you're going to be here in six months saying you've just discovered your husband and friend are having an full blown affair.

His boundaries are all over the place.

If you tip him off about the messages...he'll change his password and you won't see anything else.

He's showing all the signs of wanting more to happen with her.

Try discussing having heard of emotional affairs and how they can lead to more.

Try and get him to find a way to read Not just friends by Dr Shirley Glass

Summary

Good people in good marriages-men and women who say they're happily married-are unwittingly crossing the line between platonic friendship and romantic love. We are right to be wary when we hear our partners assert, "I'm telling you, we're just friends."

Dr. Glass's compelling clinical portraits and statistics argue for a radical redefinition of infidelity. In the new infidelity, one doesn't have to have sex to be unfaithful. In fact, secret emotional attachments outside a marriage can be just as great a betrayal as extramarital sex

here's a free pdf version within the link below.

://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/comments/8ckhtv/psa_pdf_version_of_not_just_friends_by_shirley/

Reading his private messages is playing with fire. You'll open up a can of worms and take things out of context. Be careful.

Hi sorry I’m being rubbish at replying!

So I don’t want to confront him because I feel like it will start a huge argument and I don’t want that. Oh can be very stubborn and I’m just not in the mental headspace to deal with it.

I don’t know if my friends oh knows about it, her and her oh seem to have a very honest and close relationship, so I imagine he would but then I don’t know what he would make of the more flirtier things.

I also want to add that you would never suspect a single thing by looking at them. We are older than they are, my oh is overweight and both her and her oh are young, slim and good looking. If I hadn’t seen my oh seeming so pleased by the messages I would never in a million years think this would it even could be anything more. Perhaps thats why I’m confused x

im also worried that’s if I say anything it will be awkward when we next see them ( we will all be at a friends wedding this month ) and I guess a part of me Worries that if I say anything he wouldn’t chose me. Like I said, we haven’t had a good time lately :(

Even though he's older and overweight...she'll be flattered by the attention. I wouldn't message her at all as someone suggested.

It's actually your OH crossing the line and moaning about you. It's her stopping him from getting dirty.

As an aside...it seems like you're a bit depressed and might benefit from seeing your GP for your own wellbeing.

"If I say anything he wouldn't choose me"

OP how awful

SandyY2K I am on anti depressants at the moment. And anxiety meds. My life feels a bit of a mess since my Mum passed.

I feel like I bring OH down, he doesn’t support my mental health very well, and says things like I ‘don’t help myself’ and doesn’t understand I don’t avoid housework because I’m lazy, sometimes it’s just too much.

I have adopted his family as my own and was equally devastated when his father passed last year, so just don’t feel very head strong.

Thankyou everyone.

Being with someone who is sliding into an affair will only make your mental health worse. Your self esteem will be on the floor and depression through the roof if you quietly let them get together.