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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

A very difficult situation.

19 replies

blumsycugger · 03/09/2018 12:21

Hi all, I'm James and I've just joined, I'll try and keep this short for my first post, I started a new relationship just over a year ago and things have been great, hardly a wrong word and we are both hed over heels in love. Just over two years ago, I had a lot of issues caused by outside factors and my ex, this led to me having a very serious seizure. The outcome of this was loss of memory and two conditions called retrograde and anterograde amnesia. This means I've lost a great deal of my past memory and will lose a lot of my future memory, in an hour, I might forget that I've made this post. Not a nice situation.

I have been getting therapy since the seizure and while talking to my therapist two weeks ago, an incident popped into my head, that had been dormant for many many years. This has shocked her so much that she was almost in tears. I don't know whether I'd blocked this out of had genuinely forgotton about it, but, I was raped over 40 years ago, by a "so called friend" when I was 14 and he was 17. I never told anyone and kept quiet. Why it's suddenly appeared, I don't know, but since then, it's been praying on my mind, I'm not sleeping and feel very restless all the time. I've not told my girlfriend.

Our sex life has dropped off completely and she's thinking I've gone off her, which is the total opposite.

I feel dirty and if I open up and tell her, I'm worried what she will think and what will happen to us. I'm crying my eyes out while writing this. I've had all the checks for STD's etc and I'm clean and healthy, with no issues, but, I'm really lost at the moment and don't have a clue as what to do, can anyone throw a suggestion or two at me? I'm at a very low ebb here.

Thank you.

OP posts:
MrsMozart · 03/09/2018 12:24

You need to talk to her. Give her chance to understand because if you don't, the relationship may well disappear anyway.

RatRolyPoly · 03/09/2018 12:28

Hi blumsy, I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through, both at 14 and more recently following your seizure.

I think you're sitting at one of those crossroads in life where neither path you take comes with any guaranteed outcome. You could tell your gf and it could create a bond of trust deeper than anything you have currently, or it create a emotional distance between you that neither of you can bridge. Equally you could not tell her and the secrecy of handling this on your own could be the wedge that ends you, or indeed it might not and you might carry on as normal.

The question is how do you want to proceed with this? Who is your gf to you - you know her best - and what sort of relationship do you want with her? Do you want someone who you can share even painful secrets with, or do you want a semi-distant companion just to experience life's good times alongside? Only you know the answer.

If it's any help to you, if it were me and my relationship I would want the deeper connection and the level of trust that only comes when you let the one you love see all of you, not just the easy bits. And I would have to find the courage to tell that person, even knowing it might be too much for us to bear. Because if they were the person who could bear it, that would be everything I could ask for.

Sending courage to you.

DahliaRoma · 03/09/2018 13:23

Hi Blumsy - I'm so sorry to hear of this, it sounds really distressing for you. I would suggest maybe trying napac.org.uk/ - they are a charity especially set up to help adults who have experienced abuse in childhood, they may have some good advice.
I'm assuming your girlfriend knows that you are having therapy due to the seizures. As you are worried about sharing this, perhaps you can let her know that something came up in therapy that you are struggling to deal with, and see how she reacts. If you feel comfortable sharing more then do so, at your own pace.
If you want a relationship with this person it will be important to be able to share the big things you're going through, this is perhaps the first one you've encountered and obviously it is a very big one for you.
If she is worth your time, she will be understanding and want to help you through this. You mustn't feel ashamed for what happened to you, it was not your fault.

blumsycugger · 13/09/2018 12:06

Hello all, I'm sorry for not replying, I've been having a bit of a low time lately. I had the conversation with my GF and as expected, she was shocked, I can't really remember much about what we talked about, but is has been the bomb to eclipse all bombs. We still seem to be OK, but all of a sudden, she want's us to get a house together, this has come out of the blue and has got me thinking. In March, the council changed my bathroom to a wetroom in the bungalow I live in and an offshoot of that, is I cannot leave for 5 years, if I do, I have to pay the £3,000, which is the full amount it cost to do. I knew this at the start and I've told my GF this, but she cannot seem to grasp why I cannot leave the property, she lives about 30 miles away, doesn't drive, so I have to do the running about. She's pushing for us to get a house where she lives and for me to move lock, stock and barrel up there. My kids live 100 yards from me and I see them a few times a week, everything I do is based here, plus, I'm the chairman and secretary for two local fishing organisations, how am I supposed to be able to carry on from a distance.

I don't know why, but the alarm bells are starting to ring and I'm becoming suspicious. I'm not well off with being disabled and I always pay when we go out, this to some, may be me nit picking, but I still have to pay my household bills and live within my means. We've had this conversation too, but again, she has the attitude of, "we can worry about it when it happens", I'm not like that, my ex left me in a financial mess and "it's once bitten twice shy" for me.

I think I should call it a day with her and move on.
What do the MNer's think?

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/09/2018 12:19

Hi James,

I don't think you should move away from your children. Your GF sounds very pushy and with very little empathy (does she expect you just to have a spare £3k to cough up?).

So yes, I think you should call it a day with her and move on. I hope the counselling continues to help you. Good luck for the future.

BlankTimes · 13/09/2018 12:19

I don't think your girlfriend has your best interests at heart, sorry.

She doesn't appear to understand your connections to your current home, the £3k bill for adaptations if you move, your interests, your family and your 'settledness' in your own home with your own routines.

You've had a huge lifechanging experience with the seizure and the things it's now doing to your memory.

To move someone who has a condition like yours miles away from everything that's familiar I think is bordering on abusive.

Either plainly state you are not going to relocate, or fnish with her James, I don't know what she hopes to achieve by uprooting you from all your familiar locations and people, but I don't believe for one second it would be in your best interests.

m0vinf0rward · 13/09/2018 12:23

Do not move. Regular access to your children is much more important than a potentially failing relationship. Don't be pushed into any choices that effect your long-term future until your situation stabalizes otherwise you may forget what you agreed to. Given your health issues you need familiar surroundings and not to be taking on any new things. If she can't understand or accept this then she's the wrong person for you.

nauticant · 13/09/2018 12:27

You should not move. Tell her that that's your decision, that it was hard to make, but on balance it's what you feel is the right thing to do.

Then wait to see how she responds. If she accepts this with good grace, all to the good. If not, then you will have to rethink the relationship. You should be willing to end the relationship if needs must.

HeebieJeebies456 · 13/09/2018 20:07

The outcome of this was loss of memory and two conditions called retrograde and anterograde amnesia. This means I've lost a great deal of my past memory and will lose a lot of my future memory, in an hour, I might forget that I've made this post. Not a nice situation.

This means you are extremely vulnerable.....an easy target for anyone with an ulterior motive/agenda.
Your gut instinct/intuition is your guide so please don't ignore it.
It might also be worth considering having a neutral/professional 3rd party overseeing/supporting you re financial affairs/signing legal documents....just in case anyone tries to take advantage of your condition/gaslight you into things you didn't willingly agree to.

Leaving family and an established life to move far away is hard enough for someone in 'full control' of their life/faculties, i don't understand why she doesn't get this is/would be even harder for you - plus it's not in your best interests.
You need to be close to family and friends and a trusted support network, especially given the recent revelations.
Isolating you from loved ones and the life you do remember is cruel.

blumsycugger · 13/09/2018 20:32

Thank you all for the messages of support and suggestions, I've mulled over this all day, I've spoken to her today, but not mentioned anything about moving, I'll be leaving that until I see her and we can talk face to face, if she doesn't like it then, she can lump it.

Cheers.

OP posts:
crappyday2018 · 13/09/2018 20:46

Hi OP, so very sorry to hear what has happened to you. Your recent medical problems must have been awful to deal with, nevermind the revelation from your therapy session.
Right now you need stability and to be surrounded by people who care about you and who you can trust 100%. Sorry to say, this does not sound like your partner. There is no good reason for her to be pushing you to live with her so I would be very suspicious.
You have enough to deal with at the moment.

dragonflyflew · 14/09/2018 02:19

You've had a shit time. I'm sorry.
I have disabilities and gave up my social housing to buy a house with my ex-husband as he was too snobby to live in social housing.
Now I'm a single mum with disabilities and a mortgage and I feel very trapped.
I've got no chance of ever getting another council place so now I'm stuck working two jobs whilst suffering chronic pain, fatigue, mental health issues and mobility issues.
I have a lovely house but it's a burden and I'm constantly stressed.
Please don't give up your tenancy for her and dont leave your support system.
If you want to live together you could try her in your place.
Or end things with her and start afresh with someone new.

m0vinf0rward · 14/09/2018 06:19

Given your current memory issues I'd have a trusted friend around when you do have the 'conversation' as a witness.

blumsycugger · 26/09/2018 14:36

Afternoon all, my apologies for not updating you. I did "have the talk" with my GF and she was understandably upset, we spoke for a few hours about all sorts of things and we came out of it in a very good way and it seemed, without any change or respect for each other. For the last two weeks, I've had an infection in my right leg and really chronic back pain, (to the point of crying because of it). I've been confined to the house as I can't get in my car, therefore, can't drive and I've and not been able to go and see her. On Monday, she called me and got on my case and started to lecture me, claiming I've not even tried. I'm feeling very low at the minute and she called me about an hour ago and lectured me on how and what I should be doing, she's not medically qualified in any way, shape or form, so I asked her how she knew what was good for me? All I got was, "because I know these things". My reply was, "if that's the case, why aren't you working as a medical practitioner in a specific department?". This was followed by a long silence, I asked her if she was still there and got no response, so I hung up.

At just gone 2pm, she called me again and proceeded to lecture me (again) on etiquette and phone manners! After 10 minutes of listening to her bleating on, I interrupted her and told her that I'd had enough of her and she should find someone else who will listen to her shit. I'm a very patient guy, given the crap I've gone through, I've had to learn to live with it and accept that things sometimes cannot be done, there and then, but I have my limits.
For my own well being, safety, health reasons and peace of mind, I've ended the relationship. We (had) a excellent relationship, both in and out of bed, but there are times, when I cannot do what she wants to do, plus there's the issues I had in my first post. I am limited financially and she never did anything to chip in, (I'm not a chauvinist by any means, but at least once or twice, she could have chipped in. In years to come, after the sale of my jointly owned house, I will have money, but I have no pension or savings, so that money will have to keep me going into my latter years, that's if I live passed 59, my dad died at that aged, my grandfather at 54 and I'll be 58 in January. Hopefully, the fact that I keep trying to stay physically and mentally well, will push me along a few years more. At this moment, if I stay with her, I can foresee me going to an early grave and almost two years ago, I was almost in a box, because of my ex's behaviour, so I'm going to look after me now and have some time to consider how, what, where, when and why I'm going to do.

Sorry to blether on about this.

OP posts:
blumsycugger · 26/09/2018 14:41

My apologies, it shows you how low I am, I've just realised, I've gone over things already mentioned.

So sorry.

OP posts:
FooFighter99 · 26/09/2018 16:10

Hey Blumsy, it sounds like you've had lucky escape with this bunny boiler!

take some time to concentrate on yourself for a change Smile

hope your leg is better

blumsycugger · 28/09/2018 10:05

Oh, joy of joys! She's now decided to take to facecloth to slag me off, apparently, I'm a lying, cheating bag of shit, don't care about anyone but myself and I'm the worst lover she's ever had. If that's the case, why hasn't she said anything or stayed with me for so long?

I'm curently whistling the theme to The Great Escape!!!!!!

OP posts:
mogratpineapple · 28/09/2018 14:44

Just block her on all devices so you can't see what she's doing and she can't see you xx Best wishes

Gazelda · 28/09/2018 14:51

Absolutely block her. You are better off without her. Hold your head high,

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