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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Extricating yourself from a toxic friendship

25 replies

EamesElephant · 03/09/2018 09:58

I've been friends with A for about 7 years and cannot cope with her behaviour anymore. It seems like she doesn't actually like me (and I no longer like her) as she's forever putting me down in public, lording irrelevant things over me, boasting about what she has/earns (when we've been broke because DH was out of work), always talking about herself and her problems, ignoring all my boundaries and more. It all sounds pretty petty when I list it out but after 7 years of being interrupted, belittled, ignored and expected to put her first I've had enough.

I've brought up her insensitivity in the past and nothing changes so I don't see any point in continuing the friendship. I'm sad but I cannot be forever used and put down by this person.

How do you break up with a friend? If friendships have slipped in the past it's because we've drifted apart or life has changed and it has happened slowly and organically, but this isn't going to work this time. I've had a number of, increasingly snide, messages from her and her DH over the weekend because I'm not responding.

Is there an elegant way to deal with someone like this? Do I have to "have it out with her"? I don't want to as I'd be extremely distressed - she would tell me I have it all wrong and that it's all my fault and I can't cope with hearing that again.

Any advice?

OP posts:

PookieDo · 03/09/2018 10:37

I did not do this elegantly and regret it. I just stopped doing what she wanted. I cancelled a few nights out and she got irate with me about it. I also ignored her birthday. I already knew I didn’t want to be her friend anymore (part of the issue is that in 6 years she never once turned up to my birthday whereas I made a lot of effort for her) and I wanted to see if she knew how that would feel. She did a big horrible confrontation and I got my chance to tell her some Home truths then I blocked and deleted her from my life and we never spoke again

Unfortunately by doing it this way she spread some horrible rumours around about me and I lost all my other friends. I wrote them off and actually changed jobs (we worked together). I felt so liberated... and have never missed her since!

But if I did it again I would tell her that I just don’t want to be friends (but not all the character assassination reasons why) then just go NC

Shoxfordian · 03/09/2018 10:37

Send one message saying you don't want to be friends anymore then block her

TheHulksPurplePanties · 03/09/2018 10:39

I just ghosted them. Blocked everything. Deleted them from social media. Etc. I don't like confrontation.

RedAndGreenSeen · 03/09/2018 10:40

You've given her the opportunity to change and she hasn't shown the slightest interest. Believe me, she wouldn't hesitate to drop you if the boot was on the other foot. She won't hear your "explanation" anyway. It will just give her an opportunity to blame you and be even more unpleasant. Don't give her the opportunity would be my advice!

Just distance yourself. Take a couple of days to reply. Then you're not available, busy etc. Any more snide comments, just don't respond at all! Eventually they'll get the message and stop contacting you. I did this with a "friend" for a few months, then she finally got the message, with no drama.

PookieDo · 03/09/2018 10:44

When these types start to lose control of you they will really be cruel to try to destroy you.
My ex friend told everyone i was in love with her!
She also ruined my holiday with my family through her drama of sleeping with 3 men and getting caught. I had her and one of the guys calling and texting me day and night!

Musti · 03/09/2018 10:48

I would do it gradually. Respond to invitations but always say you're busy. Don't see her again but reply that you can't come.

Do you have common friends?

Original poster

EamesElephant · 03/09/2018 10:54

We have a common activity but not really common friends though she is less involved there than I am.

I hate confrontation and would do anything to avoid it. I’m not sure she’ll get the message as when I’ve distanced myself before she’s got really needy and like an idiot I’ve given in.

I suppose I’ll just have to hold firm in the face of her manipulations and not let her trample my boundaries (not good at this).

OP posts:

user14869556378 · 03/09/2018 10:57

Honestly I'd just the friendship 'naturally' drift apart. Eg, stop talking to her and seeing her.

I don't see the point in 'having it out' as you may bump into her or see mutual friends in the future. Always best to leave on good terms with no regrets with your head high.

Musti · 03/09/2018 10:57

I know it'll be hard. Write yourself an email with a list of all the things she did wrong. Read it before you answer her every time. I had to do that with my ex. I'd forget how bad he was when he was being nice and so I had to put it down in black and white.

Original poster

EamesElephant · 03/09/2018 11:02

I’m not convinced she’ll let it drift. I like the idea of a list of why I am not going back in though, thanks Musti

OP posts:

RedAndGreenSeen · 03/09/2018 11:15

They'll always try and reel you in again! They've easily forgotten - or never even noticed their own bad behaviour in the first place, its of no consequence to them!

RedAndGreenSeen · 03/09/2018 11:16

So writing it down, keeping a list always helpful :)

Angelf1sh · 03/09/2018 11:25

Can you not just block her on everything now? That way you won’t get any messages and you won’t be manipulated into talking to her.

Original poster

EamesElephant · 03/09/2018 11:29

I could but it just feels so nasty and clearly I am a bit wet for not wanting to be mean. She’ll bother DH if he doesn’t block her too, and us both doing it feels bullying.

I really shouldn’t be so worried about her feelings, should I? She’s clearly not bothered about mine.

OP posts:

MrsJackman10 · 03/09/2018 11:35

Take a social media break, you can return in a few weeks and block her without her knowing you have returned.

Tell her you are busy for a few weeks with personal stuff so won't be available, to give you some breathing space.

When she messages don't reply, if she calls you on it in a nasty way just say you are very busy right now.

Avoid her in public as much as possible.
If she invites you to something don't go, reply you are busy if she hassles you.

Don't message with anything that invites conversation. If she replies asking questions or trying to make conversation don't reply.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 03/09/2018 11:39

You'll never be able to make it a win-win: it sounds like she won't go quietly or easily, no matter which way you approach it.

So the best thing to do is to keep things clean from your side. A quick, polite message that doesn't give her any room for come-back, and then block. I've done this before (albeit with lovers): "This isn't working for me anymore. I wish you nothing but the best. I won't be responding to any more messages."

JustGettingStarted · 03/09/2018 11:41

Just be vague and a bit "grey rock." She will ramp up the neediness but eventually give up if you don't feed her.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 03/09/2018 11:45

Block her on both of your phones. If you see her and she queries it tell her your phones have been playing up. Then walk away swiftly. If she tries to confront you. Just ignore and keep walking

another20 · 03/09/2018 11:47

Do we have the same friend?! I tolerated her poor behaviour and non existent boundaries for far to long and when I tried to “fade out” she got really difficult.

We had one hobby which I still wanted to participate in so I cut all contact down to this single group sport.

But she wouldn’t accept this (ie my right to choose who I wanted to spend my own time with) and at those monthly events she ramped it up and was vile, passive aggressive, bullying and insulting until one weekend I just calmly downed tools and walked out of the activity half way through.

So I had to give up my sport and other friends at that club. She has since sent me aggressive messages via multiple channels - as well as instigating the flying monkeys - none of which I have responded to and this has really antagonised her. I have since blocked her.

But I will keep my dignified silence and distance. I don’t talk to mutual friends about it.

There is zero point giving her any explanation as she is unable to discuss or compromise on anything ever (these were the key toxic controlling behaviours that led me to wind down the “friendship”) - and it would just be supply/ammo or an in for her to punish me.

So OP a “normal” friend might take the cues and fade away - but these dominant types don’t go down without a fight and bitter revenge - so be ready to weather that long storm......but it also shows you that you were 100% right to get rid.

Aprilshowersinaugust · 03/09/2018 11:50

I have ended 2 friendships in recent years. First one I ghosted when I realised she thought my dc were not good enough to socialise with hers and didn't want to put us both though THAT conversation.
Second one I spelled out by email why I didn't want our friendship to continue (after several texts to meet up I knew I had to end it) I added for her not to contact me as we would both feel uncomfortable and I didn't want things to end in argument /bad feeling) She respected my wishes and didn't.
Felt much more at ease with life after ending the one properly tbh.
Email your non friend today.
The relief wil be huge!!

another20 · 03/09/2018 12:12

April I am intrigued as to what you could spell out spefically in an email that didn’t lead to bad feeling? Really brave and assertive - I wish I could achieve that.

Bettysnoop · 03/09/2018 12:36

Another here that just kind of ghosted them.

Declined any requests to meet up, stopped replying to texts etc. She got the message.

This girl took the piss out of me for quite a while. Absolutely no regrets. I don't like confrontations either, the errors she made was common sense to me, for me to have to tell her what she had done wrong would have been quite belittling for her I reckon, so I spared her that shame because the 'you are lacking common sense' conversation would have been quite hurtful & she would have cried ( being the person that she is ) and I just couldn't be arsed with all that.

Lynne1Cat · 03/09/2018 12:43

I had a friend like that, years ago. I helped her with money, food, bills, etc., when she and her husband were out of work. As soon as she was in a better position financially, she joined a gym, went on holiday and bought a car - and she stopped bothering with me. I told her I wanted my money back (I lent her £200). I'd been waiting for almost a year!

She put the cash in an envelope, posted it through my door. I then sent her a text telling her to never contact me again. I blocked her from everything, and I heard recently she's in dire straits again - but this time I won't be helping her.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 03/09/2018 12:52

Lynne1 - one of the friends mentioned above used to plead poverty, all coffee /lunch meet ups were on me, felt stupid as hell when she pulled up in a Mercedes convertible one day.

Feels like I have shares in that car!!

SwordToFlamethrower · 03/09/2018 12:57

This calls for some serious ghosting. She's not worth it.

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