Parents and hygiene

[PigeonFromHell]

Not a taat but sparks by the aibu about friends with poor hygiene and filthy houses.

My parents are like that. Not the very worst examples on that thread but enough to makes my skin crawl. I think they're just oblivious or in the habit of doing (or not doing) many things that since becoming an adult and having my own children make me internally scream. I'm definitely not over the top clean and tidy either.

I know I can't change their ways but what do I do? I'm finding I'm reducing visits and lengths of stay (they're a couple of hundred miles away). I prepare the DCs food when we're there to know it's definitely safe to eat, and usually take cleaning products to give the kitchen and bathroom a quick clean where a I can in between looking after the DC. There's no dementia or lack of mobility involved.

We don't do confrontation in our family, and I'm not particularly wanting to be blunt, in part as I don't think it'll change how they live their lives, criticism will just make them sad and I'll feel like I've kicked a puppy.

I guess I've posted this here as its more about how I handle or communicate this with my parents rather than the issue itself. Communication isn't our strong point.

It's really hard, isn't it. You are probably doing the best you can already in the situation, without causing confrontation. After all, it is their choice to live the way they want. Can they visit you more? Could you go to a holiday cottage together? Do you have a partner and if so what is their feeling?
Do they have friends of their own that come round? If not maybe that would be an entrance point for a conversation? Or in the nicest way, say something like '"I love coming here, but I've noticed that your lovely house is not as clean as when I was a child. What can I help you with?" That way they won't hopefully feel accused and will know you are there fo them?

What do they say when you clean their house?

Some people just don't seem to see dirt and mess the same way. My family is like this, my Mum is always busy, likes cooking for everyone etc but her kitchen is cluttered and to a certain extent dirty. Whenever I go there I will thoroughly clean the kitchen down under the guise of helping out because I live so far away and don't get to see them often. I have to move all the clutter, wipe down and put things away then clean all the counters, wipe down the cupboard fronts etc. I also offer to vacuum which means I can have a tidy up while I go. It's difficult to make someone see that the way they've always acted isn't what you (or most people) think is acceptable. I'm sure my Mum would say her house is lived in!