My mother's family doesn't stop asking us for money.

[rareflowergirl]

I am in my late 20's. My mum has been helping her 4 younger sisters for more than 20 years with gifts, clothes, money whenever they ask, perfumes, toiletries,jewellery. Yet, my mum takes out bank loans for her personal needs. And as she is a very strong Christian, she also gives a lot of money to pastors.

We are from India, hence the giving hasn't stopped even after 2 decades. Me and my parents live in the UK and have been here for the past 10 years. My mum's sisters live in India.

My mum's sisters don't want to gain education or good employment even though they can. They don't want to work hard. Yet, they want the fruits of our hard work.

One of her younger sisters last year asked me I should lend her some money and it is pissing me of no end. I am a student and do not have even a part-time job and yet that shameless aunt of mine asked me for money even though she and her husband are working. When my mum asked for her 250 pounds back which my mum lend to this aunt, my aunt said - 'you are asking for your money back as if we have that kind of money'.

After 2 and a half years, this aunt's daughter will start her degree. They have been telling us(especially me) for a long time that they would like to send their daughter Lily to the UK for studies. How can the people who cannot repay my mother's 250 pounds and is begging me as well for money afford to educate their daughter in the UK? This aunt hinted that she would like Lily to stay with us in our house in the UK for studies. This means me and my parents will have to pay more than half of Lily's fees, her other expenses and so on. My mum's sisters are good at emotional blackmail and guilt-tripping.

The REAL PROBLEM is that my mum will say yes as she likes being taken advantage of. This might sound harsh, but over the years my mum had a lot of bad experiences from this sisters and her other siblings and relatives and my mum said it to my face how these people are taking advantage of her. Yet, she continues to help them financially. Note that my mum is aware none of her sisters will starve to death if she doesn't help them. As their husbands have work. 2 of these sisters have jobs.

Another thing I am worried about is next year after my studies, I am planning to move out. And my aunt would want Lily to stay with me and go to a university close to where I work. My mum would want the same. Last year, Lily told me she would like to come to the UK.

I don't mind Lily coming to the UK. However, I don't want Lily to live with me. I want to live on my own. I also don't want to help them financially as Lily and her mother has been a bitch to me in the past even though I myself have generously helped them with clothes and jewelry (not expensive jewelry).

But, my mum, dad, Lily and Lily's family will emotionally blackmail me and guilt-trip me. How do I say no without feeling like a bitch?

My parents are not rich. My mum is a nurse and dad is a driver. They always go on overdraft and they themselves ask me for money when they see I have a little money. My parents emotionally abused and controlled me over many years and in some ways, they still continue to do so. Hence, I am moving out for good next year.

I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and was hospitalized for treatment and had taken tablets for over a year. My parents know about this.

Urrgh...tell em to bloody do one...freeloaders...pissing me off just reading this. Hate prople that are bloody stingy

You really have to be very strong, and do what you want to do. These people are not good for you or your health. They will take advantage of you and not care about the affect they have on you. Move out, leave them behind you; you can still have contact, but keep it on a very superficial level. If they ask for money, just say no, I can't, then change the subject. Please stay strong and don't get involved in long conversations which allow them to keep asking. Please just keep saying NO, and if they keep asking say you have to go, and hang up the 'phone.

Go no contact for a while. They will soon make a link between not hearing from you and their demands for money. It's only a problem if you let it be one.

Do the maths!

Hi Aunty my rent is X plus water electricity gas phone and food - totals ££££ so Lucy will need to sign a rentals agreement and a direct debit of X each month - plus 3 months deposit.

If they are that flaky they won't even attempt to send her.

I would move out far sooner and once you are away from your parents continue to stay away from them. They are abusive and their actions have caused you to become unwell yourself. Your mental health is more important frankly than your parents or their bailing out freeloading and ungrateful relatives. Your mother really did make her own rod for her back here and its not your fault either parents are the ways they are. All you can do is continue not to act like them and yourself bail them out. Tell them that the bank of rareflowergirl is permanently closed.

Who are these pastors you mention; they sound like a bunch of crooks as well.

I think you should bloody well mind this freeloader called Lily coming over to the UK to study and further sponge off you. Lily may require a visa, three years of fees, accommodation and even a sponsor for her potential studying in the UK so who is going to pay for all that?. Surely not you guys and certainly not you. None of you can afford this.

But, my mum, dad, Lily and Lily's family will emotionally blackmail me and guilt-trip me. How do I say no without feeling like a bitch? - ask yourself; how do they ask for this stuff without seeming like Cheeky Fuckers? You are not a bitch for saying No; they are CFers for asking for so much.

Stand up to them. Ignore guilt-tripping, by Aunts/Uncles/cousins AND your parents. Their money is theirs to do with as they like.

I know it's hard - you have been conditioned to believe that 'family' is everything, and you 'should' help where you can, to the extent that your parents have bent over backwards to help them. And are using their own daughter to help others. That's all very well, if you can afford it, - and you want to. And you get something back, even if that is just 'gratitude'. Doesn't sound like anyone gets anything back.

Your life is yours. Live it.

They seem to think that anyone who lives here is wealthy, which is definitely not the case, as you know. What your mother does is her business, and something you've got no control over, but you don't have to cave in to these people's demands yourself.

Someone on here has suggested you give this girl and her parents a list of the expenses she will face if she comes here to study. Deposit, rent, living expenses etc., University fees ? You could say that Lily won't be able to live with you because you will be house-sharing (ie renting a room in someone else's house). Certainly you need to be strong in withstanding emotional blackmail.

Yep, tell them you will be house sharing !!

@ AttilaTheMeerkat: My mum was born into a Catholic family, but unfortunately for me she joined the Pentecostal cult when she was a university student. My dad is a Protestant. He too converted to Pentecostalism a few years back. Pentecostals are a small section of Protestant Christians. Pentecostals in India are known for their over-religious and extreme behaviours. Instead of priests, Pentecostals have 'pastors'. Certain pastors start a church and become a full-time pastor- that is- they do not have another job/career/business. Most of these pastors' wives do not work and are housewives and help their pastor husbands with running of the church. These pastors ask their church members and rich Christians or Christians who live in the UK, US, Dubai for money to live on.

Unfortunately, because my parents are extremely generous and believe in a lot of religious crap, they give thousands of pounds to the church as well. No point in explaining to my parents as they believe me and my sibling will be richly rewarded by God if my parents give a lot to churches and pastors. They also believe they themselves will be blessed by God if they continue to be generous to pastors as pastors do 'God's work'.

Thank you to each and every one of you for all your answers.

I do feel a bit stronger after reading your answers.

What does CF mean here? Lol..saw it in a different thread as well..Is it possible to tag someone so they would definitely get notified of my reply to their post?

Anyways..back to Lily- most probably I won't be house-sharing as I did house-share in the past and got bullied and lied about.

I can't just tell my parents I am house-sharing as they will know I am lying.

Let's just say I am going to live in a one-bedroom apartment (which is the plan), Lily's mum (my aunt) will tell me what harm can it do if Lily sleeps in my room as it won't cost me anything extra. My parents too will ask me why I am saying no. I wouldn't have minded if I knew for sure Lily's parents will pay for everything. Because I know they can't afford to send her to the UK, I know exactly what will happen. They know me and my mum are generous and they know we will never let Lily discontinue her studies in the UK and go back, so they will tell us they will pay and might pay for one year. Then after that, all my aunt has to do is ring my mum and say they can't afford anything anymore. So, either me or my mum will have to take a loan.

Right now, Lily, her dad, her brother and her mum wears a lot of clothes given to them by me and mum (both new and second-hand). So, someone who can't/won't (?) even buy new clothes in India - how will they afford UK fees and all?

I think the best decision as @Hadalifeonce said is not to get into long conversation with Lily or her mum or my parents even about why I can't lend them money or why I won't allow Lily to stay with me. But, I am already feeling like a bitch - I know this is because I have been conditioned to feel this way as in Indian culture- your immediate and extended family and all your relatives are always your responsibility especially if they think you are well-off.

I too have connections in both the Indian and Pentecostal cultures and boy do both those cultures give a pass to being a toxic freeloader!

There have been some previous threads here in the past on churches and the 'prosperity gospel': I would do a search as you may get some useful help.

Indian families: I have seen the 'share everything' culture break down into the most horrendous battles as time goes by, people's values change as families become integrated into British culture and no one can remember who originally promised what to whom.

Aunt: cut off the source. No more loans, gifts or anything apart from Christmas and birthdays.

Old clothes? You are giving them to the poor.

Spare money? You are giving it to the poor.

Nice item you have? You are giving it to the poor.

Lily: no, just no. You are not having any part of it.

Besides, the Home Office rules around this are getting far more strict. She may have to demonstrate that she has a certain amount of money up front. Really, really do not get involved.

What?!

No. No No No NO!

No.

NO she can't come and live with you.

NO you won't send her, her parents or your parents money for her.

NO you won't loan it either.

STOP sending jewellery, money, clothes, whatever to them. STOP IT.

You can't control what your parents do, though tbh I'd be FURIOUS that they're sending their money that way and getting themselves into debt and I'd let them know that.

Say No. Say it often. Practice in front of the mirror and with a friend. Say it ALWAYS if it's something for Lily or Lilly's family. NO.

You don't need to justify it, you don't need an excuse, you don't join in if they want a pity party or to call you selfish or whatever. NO is a complete sentence, the only time you might want a longer sentence is NO AND STOP ASKING ME.

You're going to have to be the one with the backbone here. If that means they think you're a selfish privileged bitch then a) that's their problem NOT yours and b) it probably means you get peace and quiet because they'll eventually stop asking.

I agree that it will be counterproductive to get into any conversations about why not. It won't be easy and your parents will guilt trip you if they can - but you need to protect yourself. If they already know it has made you ill, tell them to leave you alone as they are making you ill again.

You have your own life to lead. I wish you all the best in your own life

Thank you people
Feeling calmer after reading your answers. I don't feel alone anymore :) Thanks guys. XXXX Mwah

Op your own life is worth more... why should you give everything to someone else? To be happy in heaven? God wants you to be happy here! So move out and don’t explain why you can’t make everyone else’s life better (at the expense of your own). Stay strong and I agree no is a full sentence

All this is a yoke around your neck OP. For what, in the 1 life you have? We want the perfect family and it's sad when we can't have it. But once you've realised the position your own wellbeing comes 1st or you'll be driven mad and what's the actual point of that? You are young with your own life to build.

Your mother is a people pleaser to a bunch of leeches. & in turn she also leeches off you to keep up with her people pleasing.

I'm not Indian but I am non-British. I have a joke about certain family abroad - they think I live in heaven and have a money tree. I am ruthless - I don't give to anybody. I've had requests in the past 'can we come over to stay with you, we want to study'. I don't even reply. However - I absolutely do not care what they think. Even making request via my parents doesn't move me.

That isn't to say I wouldn't help a relative who was worth it, unfortunately whilst I have some nice relatives there are also pisstakers. Same with yours. Your mum's choice to bankrupt herself for her sisters should not impact upon you.

Have you read 'The Life-changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck" by Sarah Knight? It's a great book. A woman's Bible as far as I'm concerned because somehow obligations are always foisted onto us and we're expected to accept, just like that

No.

What is it they say on aeroplanes? Always make sure your own oxygen mask is in place before helping with someone else's. It's terrific to be generous to those less fortunate than yourself. To be generous to those more fortunate than yourself is just silly. They seem to have this entrenched vision of everyone in the UK being richer than everyone in India, which is just ludicrous. I'm reminded here of Monty Python's Dennis Moore sketch, where the virtuous highwayman holds up the rich to give to the poor. He carries on doing this until the poor have more luxury than they know what to do with, whilst the rich are standing there freezing in their underwear.

@Lollypop701 Yup, no is a full sentence. That statement actually makes sense.

@MistressDeeCee Thank you for sharing that. I thought I was the only one who got requests like that. Hearing I am not the only one having this problem makes me strong. No, I haven't read that book. The title put me off as I thought the author was trying to be cool. But, I remember reading good reviews about it. Now, after you mentioned it, I checked for it in my local library- it's there! I am definitely gonna read it. Thanks!

Can you say the landlady lives in the building/next door and doesn't allow anyone to stay overnight?

Tell them you are overdrawn. Every single time.

As Hollow says ^^ Tell the family you have a single person tenancy and can't breach that contract!

I would strongly suggest that you research how much it costs to rent a room in a shared house, plus share of bills. Then also cost how much it would cost to rent a one bed flat, plus bills, plus deposit etc in your local area and other areas. You may not have much spare cash to be spending on a foreign student ! You should be able to research on Government websites how much student and visitor visas are. Then there are the fees for University and living costs. You are under no obligation to support anyone, apart from yourself.

I would add that if you wish to give some time, goods or money to a charity that you choose one yourself or several charities of your own choice

Do you know what non British/eu members have to pay for uni fees?

Sit your parents down and make it clear that you will not contribute to their family. They've had enough. And if they bankrupt themselves helping their families then that's their lookout , you will not be bailing them out.

Madness. ..Break free of this ..you for great advices here...since you have been conditioned to feel that the extended family is an extension of your own self, you might feel a bit lonely/isolated /alienated if they cut you off then when you learn to stand up to them...your parents and all of them might "excommunicate"...so IMHO it is very important that you build a circle of RL friends that will support you when you family cut you off because you decided to behave in a healthy way and say No to Lily and her likes...so it is No to Lily AND Hello to friends etc...good luck! Please continue coming here to talk and strengthen your mind...you are OK...in the Bible it is written that you shall love others AS you love yourself NOT MORE...it is clear that your family requires you to choose either Lily or Yourself...choose Yourself....No-one seems to care for your own well being. Time to step in and care for yourself...good luck.

Just no to the lot of them! Also, what’s going to happen when your parents retire and are snowed under in debt????