Found bio dad what to do now?

[justblamethedog]

Hi I was hoping to get some advice from others and wasn't entirely sure where to ask.

So I'm in my late thirties and only found out the man that raised me was not my dad due to a health scare a couple of years ago. Fast forward to present day and Iv gleamed what little information my family are willing to part with then acted super sleuth to find my biological father.

So that's all done how do I go about this? I don't really know why he was not part of my life other than it was against my mother's wishes.

What should I do as there are a lot of things I'd like to know and this man could answer a lot of my questions but terrified of rejection or to be honest causing anyone hurt by dragging up the past.

Iv always had this slightly missing empty not quite the right fit feeling within my family and when I was told it was such a relief to know I wasn't crazy all of this time.

Please any advice from people who have experienced reconnecting with long lost family members would be appreciated.

Hi, not quite sure how I can be of any help here, but just wanted to let you know you're not the only one in this dilemma...
I found out a decade ago now that I have a different biological father to the one who raised me, but know nothing more than his name. I don't know where to start but have contemplated the ancestry registry. Like you, I'm not sure how he would react; angry for dredging up the past or grateful to have known I exist?

Hi I recomend a ancestry DNA test Then join a join group like DNA detectives that have sub group for people looking formissing dad's.

It best to get help from people who have been there .

Hi OP, I have never met my Dad and like you was given very little info - just that it was in my best interests, my grandparents were protecting me and my Mum by asking he stayed away from us. He didn't fight them on it and stayed away.
A few years ago I found him on Facebook and contacted to say no pressure but if you want to get to know me then that would be nice. I got back an awful message basically saying that he never really liked my Mum and was using her for sex ( she thought they were a couple) That he had sexual relations with my cousin behind mums back (my cousin is a lot older than me btw).
Towards the end of the message his tone changed - he said he was a different person back then and sometimes in life you have to accept what you are handed. He respected me contacting him but that he saw no point in carrying on as we didn't know each other. Our time had passed basically. He said that you can't lose something you never had.
I think he was angry at the original situation and had never opened up to anyone about it - hence his TMI at the start of his message. What I took from it is that my family decided before I was born the path that would be taken. Nothing to do with me and I was loved and had a wonderful childhood despite having no father.
I regret contacting him and have never told my Mum. My grandparents are dead so they don't know.
You have to think about how you will handle rejection and what information you might find out about your loved ones. It's awful not knowing the other half of who you are. The experience of contacting him really doesn't play on my mind - I don't hold onto things emotionally thank goodness. Although at the time I did cry and feel a sense of loss. We live in different countries so it's easier. If you think that you can handle it then it may help answer your questions or it may leave you with more.
Good luck and happy to answer any questions you have about how I felt.

I agree that it would help to speak to others who have been in the same situation or even to a counsellor. You need to be prepared for anything I’m afraid.

He might not be the right person.

He might be the right person but deny it completely.

There might be a good reason why your mother wanted nothing to do with him. That may or many not still be relevant to you.

He will probably have another family or even families now and may want nothing to do with you.

He may have died, be in prison, be an addict or homeless or very unwell. He might be in debt and want money from you and harass you.

He may refuse to meet you, or agree to meet but not answer any of your questions .

Convsersly , he may want To meet you and your family and be part of your life and you might feel differently. He might want to bring you into his family and expect a level of contact or commitment that you don’t feel comfortable with.

You might meet him and find you dislike him or just feel you have nothing in common.

You should also research Genetic Sexual attraction, as this is much more common than people think .

Im sorry to sound negative, but It’s not all like on the TV shows where they only show you happy endings.

It can be much more complicated than people imagine, especially in cases like your where people feel there is something missing in their lives and start searching to find that “something”, whether it’s information, a relationship or a sense of belonging.

Remember this man has had nearly 40 years to contact you ( assuming that he’s alive ) and has chosen not to do so.

Do you have a partner and children ? How do they feel about your search ?

Gleaned* sorry that's why you don't post whilst suffering insomnia.

I have a very young family and my partner is very supportive. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything in the present tbh just things I wonder about . I just meant growing up I always felt a little outside my own.

I do know about gsa as it happened to a very close friend. I think I'm emotionally ready for whatever I find out. We live far enough away from each other that a close relationship is unlikely and I have discovered enough that I don't think he is a bad guy so if we do want to try and get to know each other that is easier. You are right it's pretty hard not to focus on how many years has gone by with no evidence of him wanting to know.

Il look into Ancestry I don't want to waste too much hard earned cash into this though.

I just don't want to look back and regret not trying. I just need to know it's how I am with everything.

I’m glad your partner is supportive , as it can be a very stressful experience and bring up a lot of strange feelings and memories.

You have obviously done your research and thought through a lot of things. It’s good to be prepared for the worst as well as hoping for the best.

Lots of people search at some time of crisis eg after a divorce or a parent has died. They are still reeling with the shock of their loss and they become convinced that this person they are searching for will welcome them with open arms and become a replacement for their lost loved one. Of course it’s totally illogical when you put it like that but It’s easy to fool yourself.

Or people say that they don’t know “ who they are “ and that meeting this person will make them complete. They expect some instant bond or psychic connection.

Then when they meet some boring middle aged bloke who they have nothing in common with, they are devastated. Or worse still, he’s an arsehole or a user and they get badly hurt.

And the GSA is a huge minefield and so many people know nothing about it.

Sometime people find out very bad things, like he raped or abused their mother and has done the same to other women . Or he has a string of kids to different women that he’s abandoned. Or is even in prison. That can be pretty hard to integrate into your self image.

Some men just don’t want to know. Sadly we live in a culture where men often walk away from the children they have lived with for years and were married to the mum. So I guess it’s not surprising that some men CBA when it’s just a casual relationship from 40 years ago.

When you have children yourself it can be hard to fathom how so many ( nearly always ) men walk out without a backward glance. But it seems to happen all the time.

I hope your search works out well for you. You sound pretty sorted about it all