Some threads I've read here recently have made me want to share this. No one knows this stuff happened to me. Some people know parts of it. But the deep shame i felt and the memories still make me feel is something I've never shared.
When I was 21 I met a man on a night out. He was gorgeous. He was Nigerian and he felt exciting,
He came on very strong, too strong really and I texted him to let him know i didn't think it was going to work. He bombarded me and charmed me in to changing my mind, I was smitten quite quickly.
Looking back, his behaviour would have thrown up red flags from the beginning, had I been older and wiser. Early on, he would make back handed compliments that made me doubt myself but I couldn't really pull him up on. Mainly comments about my body, how he liked my big thighs. Or how I dressed, saying he liked how I was dressed on the night I met him and wished I looked like that more often. I remember once he told me a female friend has seen a picture of me on his phone and had commented she thought he would have been with someone more glamorous. He knew I liked that picture of me.
Within months he was talking about having a baby. We used condoms but I started secretly taking the pill, even that early on I didn't trust him not to try to get me pregnant by deliberately damaging a condom, he knew I wouldn't sleep with him without one. More than once I said no to sex but he did it anyway. I just let him.
I'm pretty sure he was dealing drugs. He took advantage of me for money and got me to pay for a lot, he was a student and worked a few hours as a bouncer and I genuinely thought he was skint. He bought a car and lied to me that he'd got it for an absolute steal, I always had my suspicions but always ultimately believed him. He had two mobile phones, was secretive and was obviously getting cash from somewhere.
A few times he did a total disappearing act. Looking back i assume he was cheating.
One of the worst incidents happened maybe nine months in. I'd been out after work and was a drunken mess. One of his bouncer mates saw me throwing up in the street. He was mad me for embarrassing him and picked me up. We got to my flat and he told me I needed a shower, he undressed me and sat me in the bottom of the shower with it running. The reason I remember this is because he filmed it, with the camera panning him down to him wanking. When I found it on his phone I was horrified and deleted it. He laughed it off and I accepted it. I believe he'd probably saved it elsewhere or sent it to his friends.
He was forever asking for takeaways, and I went up 2 dress sizes, from a 10 to a 14. He used this as a way to put me down. He said no one else would want me now and I believed him.
He bought me an engagement ring, and used it as a way to manipulate me. Often saying he wanted to propose but couldn't until I did z, y or z. Told me his cousins would laugh if they saw he was marrying someone fat so u had to lose weight. Used the promise of engagement to control me.
Seven or eight months in to our relationship we decided to move in together. We found a new place to rent, I paid the deposit and he owed me half back. I gave my months notice on my flat, then two weeks later, on my birthday, he told me he'd changed his mind. It was too late for me to keep my flat and I had two weeks to find somewhere new. That was the first time he was physically abusive, I was sat on the kitchen floor crying and he grabbed me and dragged me across the floor. Left my arm covered in bruises. It was also the worst, there were a few incidents of grabbing and pushing after that, but I daresay things could have been a lot worse there.
Stupidly I know, I stayed with him and found somewhere new to live. Following that incident was a period of intense loveliness. It's like he could read my mind, he'd push me to breaking point then be absolutely lovely for a few weeks and everything would reset, then repeat.
One if the incidents I'm most ashamed of is this. He'd said weeks before that he didn't like how much weight I'd put on. He laughed and called me a grenade then gleefully explained that it meant a woman who was hot but put a lot of weight on, exploded. It was Valentine's day and I'd made dinner, I sat on his knee and he felt my stomach and the roll I had at the front. I could see what he was thinking and the shame physically crawled over me.
Not long after that, we travelled to a different city for a concert. All paid for by me. He was absolutely vile the entire time we were there, and threatened to leave me there by myself and go home without me. The next morning we had a huge row, and I squared up to him and dared him to hit me if he was such a big man. He pushed me, didn't punch me. I remember walking round the shops crying while he ignored me.
Things didn't last long after that thankfully. By the end I actually hated him, there was nothing but hate left and I found gathering the strength to leave him surprisingly easy, he must have just pushed me past breaking point. He went on to give my engagement ring to another girl and get her pregnant, I'm certain he was seeing her before we split up. They're not together now, and last thing I heard he'd been sent to prison for dealing heroin.
The threads on here have helped me work through and identify a lot of what happened in the just over a year we were together. He systematically broke down my confidence, emotionally abused me, controlled me. His main aim was to get married for a visa I believe, I insisted I wouldn't marry him until he obtained a work visa in his own right so no one could ever accuse our relationship of being a sham. Thank God I kept my head screwed on at least in one respect.
So thank you Mumsnet for helping more than even counselling did in allowing me to understand what happened. I'm an intelligent woman, always been confident and never ever thought anything like that would happen to me. It's now 8 years in the past and I'm happily married with a baby on the way, but it still affects me.
P.s well done if anyone has read to the end! It's an awfully long story