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Original poster

married not married , what's the difference?

48 replies

Anjo1 · 07/06/2007 01:13

hello , this is bugging me , DP and I have been together nearly 4 years , we have a 15week old DS , thing is , he's asked me to marry him , several times in the last year and I've said no .Becasue I don't see the point . if marriage is about committment , we agreed to have a child together , how committed to someone can you get ? I know it upsets him that I've said no but honestly , I can't be arsed with all the hassle and money involved in organising a wedding , is there something wrong with me ..?

OP posts:
twinsetandpearls · 07/06/2007 01:15

I am similar to you dp wants us to get married and I have always said if we must lets nip to the registry office and do it in our lunch break - getit over and one with.

I am relenting though and we are looking at our options for next summer and I slightly excited,

Original poster
Anjo1 · 07/06/2007 01:16

what changed your mind ?

OP posts:
Chandra · 07/06/2007 01:17

Hassle and money not a necessity to get married, parties are not even mandatory. The main difference would be that if any of you die, the other one would be in a better position to cope with the financial aftermath. Besides, it has some benefits to have your partner as the next of kin.

Original poster
Anjo1 · 07/06/2007 01:20

good point Chandra - but is that all it is , a financial contract ?

OP posts:
twinsetandpearls · 07/06/2007 01:20

Lots of things, I have wanted to remarry but I can't have a church wedding as I am divorced so I couldn't see the point.I think I also had a lot of trust issues from my previous marriage. I was also worried that getting married might put pressure on me to have more kids which I can't have.

But I do love dp and want to make a commitment to him and it is a compromise as we will not be getting married in a church so to me it will not feel as much of a real wedding as it will to him. Although if course I will take my vows seriously but it will not be as emotionally charged and difficult,

twolittleducks · 07/06/2007 01:21

Thought the same thing, nothing more commited then kids together, even if you was to split you would still be connected to one another!! But am now planning to get married next year, will be 6 years together, v.low key, strictly family ...

For me i looked at it as just a way for us to dedicate a day to each other really, we want to spend the rest of our lives together so we are sharing that with our close family.... And no, we aren't spending a fortune, can't afford it, it will literally be reg.office and then a nice meal and let it lull on to the evening as everyone pleases

twinsetandpearls · 07/06/2007 01:22

the practicalities of being married as Chandra has said are also an issue, if anything were to happen to me I also hope that the fact that dp and I were married might mean that he would have more chance of keeping dd as opposed to her automatically going to her dad.

twinsetandpearls · 07/06/2007 01:22

If we were going to have children together I would want us to be married but that is my catholic guilt thing.

twinsetandpearls · 07/06/2007 01:23

Ideally my wedding would be me and dp nipping to the registry office on our own after work but I know that would upset everyone.

Califrau · 07/06/2007 01:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Anjo1 · 07/06/2007 01:41

Califrau- will definitley take that on board on that level .
TLD , like your idea of a day dedicated to each other , that's lovely .
from another angle-to the ones already married , was there no sense of loss of self when you became Mrs x , when you became a wife ?

OP posts:
Aitch · 07/06/2007 02:48

i'm still a bit embarrassed to refer to DH as my husband. i always think of him as my boyfriend. we had a lovely (small) wedding and it hasn't changed a thing. get married, it's retro-cool.

Chandra · 07/06/2007 09:09

Well, you really don't need to tell anyone you are getting/got married! and you can call him boyfriend for the rest of your life, and pretend nothing has happened (I would do the same if I were to get into the process again!)

If you really don't place importance in a wedding ceremony, see it as signing a contract, because that what it is, fuss around it is totally optional. But, not for that it is less valuable or less useful. You would be more protected as a family with one.

Here's [[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=9&threadid=232909#4690674 Yorkie's thread]

Chandra · 07/06/2007 09:09

here

ratclare · 07/06/2007 09:10

you can get married in church if divorced ,my dh was divorced before we married ( obviousley!)

ratclare · 07/06/2007 09:11

oops sorry the catholic church not quite as blase and downright needy as local proddy paruish

themildmanneredjanitor · 07/06/2007 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoveAngel · 07/06/2007 09:16

Legally and financially it makes sense. Not romantic, no, but practical.

LilRedWG · 07/06/2007 09:19

No loss of self at all. We've been married almost ten years and it has been wonderful. For us, it was a day for the two of us and one which we'll always remember. Believe me, it is not just a piece of paper, which is a good thing because I lost ours and had to get a copy.

You don't need to have a huge wedding and spend lots of money. You could always go on holiday, just the three of you, and get married whilst you are there.

Pruuni · 07/06/2007 09:20

It does make sense if you have a child. It is at its most basic a financial contract and bit of relative security if one of you dies.
Marriage has lots of layers of meaning and you can choose what you want it to mean.
-religious commitment
-public commitment
-private commitment
-financial contract
-way of feeling secure within society
-fulfilment of childhood dreams of wedding day
-ironic statement

You take your pick!
Personally I agree that the commitment is in staying together and having a child. I wanted to get married because I think it is a positive act, a kind of 'extra' in the relationship. Now we have a child and the legal side of that is easier.
It's very easy to go off and do it with a couple of mates and you do not need a big day and a dress and several rings etc. If you don't want them

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/06/2007 09:39

Also the term "common law wife" has no legal meaning or bearing whatsoever in English law.

I would concur that you certainly do not need a huge bash for a wedding if this is not what you want - ours was a very low key wedding; we were married on Maui, had two witnesses and no family present.

Chandra · 07/06/2007 09:55

I have just read Yorkie's thread again and after reading some of the links I think we desperately need a will too!!!

MrsTittleMouse · 07/06/2007 10:01

I got married because I wanted DH to be my next of kin. Partly because of the practical implications, partly because I like the fact that we're then "officially" a family. It's comforting to know that if anything ever happened to me, then DH would be the first person called and would make all the decisions.
But when we decided to get married, I found it very romantic to stand up and make a spoken commitment to each other in front of witnesses, even though we had made that commitment between each other already.

Lasvegas · 07/06/2007 10:07

Anjo1 - re money and hassle. It doesn't need to be. DH and I took afternoon off work had 2 witnesses and I think about £100 in total for a registry office. We didn't take any photos though which I do regret.

suzycreamcheese · 07/06/2007 10:17

OP
its because its just not about you anymore...if anything happens to you or your dp things will be alot easier simpler smoother financially better etc...if you have that certificate..

it was the only reason i did it..we'd been together nearly 20 years!!

.and it was lovely quiet ceremony with meal afterwards.
....i really loathe weddings..just not my cuppa but would advise to do it....