Gaslighting

[chocolateworshipper]

I'd heard the word before, but have only looked up its meaning today, and realised that this is what DH does to me. Today in a supermarket he picked up something he fancied for dinner, asked me whether I liked one of the ingredients and when I said I wasn't terribly keen on it, he had a toddler-like tantrum. I tried suggesting that we got what he wanted and also got something else as a "back-up" - but oh no, that wasn't acceptable. Later he was texting me "It was all your fault - as always." Then his "apology" is "I'm sorry you misunderstood me." Oh and then he was telling me I need to see a doctor. I've had depression before, but I now realise how cruel he's being by trying to make out I overreact because of MH problems, rather than the real reason is that I quite rightly got upset because he was being so childish in the middle of a supermarket. As you can imagine, this isn't an isolated incident.

I don't really know why I'm posting this, because obviously you're only getting one side of the story, and it's difficult to judge when you weren't there. Maybe I just need to tell someone that I know what he's doing.

So what are you going to do about it?

This only gets worse. If you stay with him, you'll either have to put up with it (he likely won't change), or worse still, you'll stop realising when he's gaslighting you and accept the blame for his ridiculous tantrums.

People who love you apologise, even when they've been stupid and embarrass themselves. They don't try to pretend you've had some kind of mental health blip to cover for a tantrum.

I think it's taken me a long time to realise because my Mum does it to me, so it's kind of what I'm used to iyswim. I was once suspicious that a family member was saying horrible things about me behind my back. Mum told me that I tended to imagine things because of my MH problems. I then found concrete evidence (in writing) that not only had this family member been horrible about me, she'd been doing in in conjunction with Mum. Luckily I was already in therapy at the time, and it was the only time I ever saw my therapist speechless.

Can you put up with more of the same from your partner? I know it's hard to think about breaking up - and your partner would say it was over nothing, that it was your fault anyway etc.

But it's no way to live.