How can you recover after partners infidelity and move forward

[Patrick321]

Hi I’m a guy who is the victim of emotional infidelity as well as my wife sexting the same guy. We have got 3 really young kids ages two four and six. I found out my wife of 8 years, together 10 had been sexting another man she used to know as a teenager. They had got in contact again on facebook and exchanged numbers on whats app. this affair had been going on since middle to late 2016, the wife said she blocked and deleted him on messenger and whatsapp in October 2017. How I found out I bought her a new phone and was trying to back up all her pictures from her old phone and I thought I should make sure I looked if there were any photos in whatsapp that she might want to save. to my shock In my wife’s sent folder on whatsapp there were multiple naked photos of her doing a strip tease, really graphic naked pictures, I can’t get these images out of my head still, and it’s been almost 6 months since d day, 8th of March 2018 I found out. There was even a screenshot she sent to her friend of a chat that's burned into my brain still. This guy has a girlfriend too by the way. My wife trickle fed me information too. which has made it hard to trust her, I still check all her history on internet and phone.
When I found out, I blew up at her and she seemed to show remorse for a few days and take things seriously. We went to marriage counselling, didn’t help too much I feel, the councillor made me out to be obsessive which I can be and that this affair wasn’t the biggest problem, our communication was supposedly the only issue.

What has been hard is that it has been me that has been trying so hard to make this marriage work. The wife has threatened to divorce me many times since this happened because I want details of when it started when it ended. She always says I should draw a line under everything and move on, she is right but it’s hard. Every day I think of her posing for another man, him sending pictures of himself and pleasuring himself to my wife. It eats me up. I don’t know if I will ever erase these pictures out my mind.
I’m trying to put things behind me and move on, I do really love her. She just sometimes seems to me to not show too much remorse, or show that she realises that this was a huge deal, she always says I’m banging her over the head with this. She has said to me that she truly regrets doing what she did and that there was no excuse for sexting this guy even if she was unhappy.

I got really angry 10 days ago when we had a small argument, she than described what she did as a small indiscretion, which made me crazy, those times that she owned what she did disappeared for me! I spoke to her for days after this to get her to clarify why she said that. She said she just wants to forget it and that I’m picking on one thing that she said, she said it is bad what she did but not as bad as if they had met up and had sex. I don’t know why I’m focusing on what she said. Now I don’t think she thinks what she did was that bad. The wife said I’m not allowed to bring up stuff we talked about related to this infidelity; she threatens to kick me out if I do sometimes. I’m not sure she thinks that this was infidelity, although she has said it was in the past. Almost six months now; it seems I always find something new to obsess over. This has consumed me; I just want to forget this. I wish I never found theses pictures, Am I being too hard on my wife? She did delete and block this guy before I even knew about it, it is cheating but at least she didn’t meet him. I do know, that if I can’t stop with my constant rehashing of things we have discussed, she will kick me out and I will probable regret how I handled this.

She's not remorseful. Not by a long shot. ... and why does she think she can kick you out? Is it her house?

Does she work? If not leaving her with small kids would be costly for you. She threatens divorce to shut you up. Almost how dare you keep bringing it up. It's manipulation on her part.

Would she be okay if you did this?

If she was truly remorseful she'd do these things..

The steps a WS must take for a reconciliation.

Not all of them are required in every situation but, you get the idea:

1. S/He must be totally honest with you about everything
2. S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
3. S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
4. S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. S/He must feel your pain.
6. S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
7. S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
8. S/He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.

10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal. 11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you. 12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you. 13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible. 14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first. 15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected. 16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy. 17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling. 18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.

As for you... the 189 will give you strength.. see the link below

healinginfidelity.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/the-180-for-hurt-spouses.html?m=1

Thank you very much for the the great response SandyY2K and great message with the resource, I will look into that :-) To answer your question it is a rented house that I get subsidised through my job. My wife is doing a full time degree and she would really struggle to cope financially if we were to spilt, I don’t think she could swing it to be honest, child care etc. Sometimes i think she is just using me to get her degree.

I really love her and don’t want to leave her and the kids and I don’t want her to have to leave her degree course. My wife does try and make an effort to get along with me, she has been trying to arrange date nights for us, but she just wants to act as though this hasn’t happened and let’s get on with our lives. I would love to be able to do that, but I think about what’s happened from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep. I thought we were happy. The reason she gave for doing this was that I didn’t pay enough attention to her and she wanted validation, I’ve suffered health anxiety for a number of years, and I guess I bugged her too much about my health issues, and didn’t focus on her enough and it became too much.

You're welcome.

Would she be receptive to marriage counselling?

If not may find individual counselling helpful.

The problem is the spouse who cheated tends to minimise their actions and doesn't really understand how their actions affected their betrayed spouse.

Until they get it, those feelings you have will remain.

Some people remain married after a betrayal and up to 30 years later they still haven't forgiven or healed...they just learn to live with it.

The marriage will always have an indelible stain if the hard work isn't done to properly reconcile.

In many cases it's not the affair that ends the marriage...but the lies ...trickle truth, lack of remorse and the behaviour after dday.

I remember a woman who referred to the time of her affair as her "restless period"

Totally minimising her infidelity and it pissed her DH off massively. In fact he said if she called it her restless period one more time he was filing for divorce.

That put a stop to it.

You don't want a divorce...but it sounds like your wife isn't as fearful of losing you. She currently holds the power in your marriage.

Plus if the house is subsidised through your employers...I'd have though without you she can't stay there.

Army wives have to leave in a split.

Anyway... in order heal..you need her to fully understand.

Another useful resource is www.survivinginfidelity.com

Thank you SandyY2K for the link and great advise. We went to marriage counselling for six sessions in April it wasn’t great. I’m planning on going to individual counselling again soon. I asked the wife if she would be interested in going to couples counselling after I’m finished with my individual and she is very receptive and has agreed and said it would be good. That restless period remark would have driven me up the wall too, poor guy. I said the same thing to my wife that she is minimising what happened but she just gets angry and says I’m banging her over the head again. You are very right too, about me wanting her and her not fearful of losing me, it’s sad but true. In a few of our arguments she has said if it weren’t for the kids she would have left. I’ve put that down to her being angry at the time, she says she loves me but she could just be saying that top placate me, I hope not. I have thought about life without her but it is very scary. I’m not sure my wife is ever going to want to really talk about this; the best chance will be at counselling. That is what worries me too, staying together for the kids and looking back in 10 years time when things are terrible or if she leaves me than...

she is very receptive and has agreed

That's positive.

In a few of our arguments she has said if it weren’t for the kids she would have left

It could be anger...but she probably feels that too. Would you stay with her after what she did...and has carried on not showing remorse if you didnt have kids?

I understand her not wanting it thrown in her face all the time ... but that's probably because you have unanswered questions and you're probably going out of your mind with so many thoughts.

A cheating spouse thinks the details are irrelevant.

Getting a cheating spouse to face your questions when they are ashamed of what they did.. .takes them putting your feelings above their shame.

Unless a remorseful spouse understands how painful a betrayal is... you'll always have this issue. They need to engage fully to help you heal.

Unfortunately if you have a spouse who isn't that bothered about your feelings, they won't be motivated to help you.

This link might help you express the need to know.
www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/joseph.asp?

I do think your wife is trying to get a career ...which is good...but whether she's fully committed is questionable.

I suggest you also maintain a social network outside of your marriage. She shouldn't be your only source of happiness. Go out with friends .. pursue a hobby...keep fit. It's never healthy to put your all into someone, especially when they don't feel the same.

You seem to have her on a pedestal and she (from the sound of things) can take it or leave it.

The person who cares the least in a relationship holds the most power

Thanks SandyY2K, I have been reading. www.survivinginfidelity.com most of last evening, it is really sad how many people are in the same boat.

What you have written makes allot of sense, you seem to have a handle on my whole relationship, and I wish my wife was insightful like you.

It is probably true her wanting leave sometimes if not for the kids; she has said she would rather be alone sometimes, quite a few times really.

Would I have stayed with her remorseless attitude without kids? No I don’t think I would have. What she did rocked me so hard I could have so easily have left and I would have made sure I never contacted her ever again. It is so much easier without kids, if we were to split, I would have to try and navigate seeing my kids, and the wife might turn nasty and make things difficult there too. I really feel I would get jealous very easily if she found someone else too. That’s probably because I still love her; I might feel differently in time. That would be the advantage if we didn’t have kids, I would be able to delete her out my life completely and not know what she got up to.

What is also difficult is that I thought we had a good relationship for the most part, when I found all those pics she sent to that guy, I couldn’t make heads or tails of what I was seeing, it was like I was looking at a new colour. When she admitted what she did my head could hardly process things, I still can’t believe it.

My wife has always been on a high horse with people who cheat, and has been very judgmental about them. Her mother cheated on her dad, and she hates her still, so I always thought I was safe.

I will just have to take things a day at a time, perhaps in time I will feel better, that is also why I haven’t left. I don’t want to leave and then regret it later. I want to try everything to salvage my marriage. I’m not an easy come easy go kind of guy. This is my second marriage too and don’t want to be twice divorced, that’s also not a good reason to stay together I know.

I have always been an avid runner and have been doing more of it lately to take my mind off of things. I have been trying to do mindfulness meditation, and techniques to take my mind off of what happened when I start to obsess over things. It is so difficult when I’ve seen her posing pictures, I think that’s the most difficult aspect. I can close my eyes and picture all of them, I don’t know if I will ever get over that. I really wish she had just been smarter and deleted them properly, ignorance is bliss, especially after she blocked the guy before I found out, it seems pointless me knowing, it’s only destroying us.

I will look into that new link you sent me, the wife is so hard headed, it might be difficult to get her to pay attention. I got her to read a blog once about recovery after an affair, I couldn’t believe she did it. That was when she said she truly regrets what she did, just that small admission, made me happy. The wife dismisses all of the blogs in general as a waste of time and unimportant when I’ve tried to quote things. She always says those are not our relationship so it isn’t applicable to us basically. I will try anyway

Exactly what SandyY2K says (again...). Sometimes the wife wants to tell you what you want to hear, when all you want is the truth, all of it, every detail. Some on here may say that it is not necessary, but in my case and several others it was the only thing that would start to let me heal. It was only by having all the details that I could process what had happened and start to rationalize. It took a long time, and I felt like I was in quicksand, every lie, half-truth or omission dragging me deeper, every truth giving me a foothold. We are still together as eventually she saw it through my eyes. The truth hurts, but not knowing is a slow agonising death. She did not want me to leave and it was only by packing my bags one day that she realised what she would lose. She has worked very hard since then to be open and honest and transparent. (We both have worked incredibly hard to make it work) It can work again, but you must be prepared to walk away, for the sake of your own own mental health.

Thank you certificateofauthenticity, it is really great to hear people actually recovering and able to stay together. I really love my wife very much, it is just this brick wall and threats of divorce that make me discouraged at times. Today, I've been a bit down, I think you are right, when the wife has threatened to split with me, I've always backtracked and said anything for her to change her mind. Mabey it is a game I'm bad at playing. I know I can't just go on as if nothing has happened. I'm hoping to start individual counseling in the next week or two, than hopefully more couples counseling. My hope is the wife might open up more. I really am not trying to punish her and make her feel like the bad guy. I just feel insecure and want so reassurance from her that doesn't feel forded, and for her to realise the gravity of what she did. To pretend as if nothing happened difficult for me, I know it's been almost 6 months and you should draw a line under it, but it's hard. The way she has acted lately it's like she doesn't think what happend was that big a deal, as she said, it could have been worse, I didn't meet up with him or sleep with him. I suppose I should be happy with that, but don't minimise, what you have done to zero.

Patrick321 Mine did not go to the same extent as yours, there actually was no sexting, or pictures sent. But it was with her first lover from when she was 15. We had been married 20 years. She admitted, eventually, that given the chance she would have met him and she does not know how far it would have gone. It was the lies that broke me. ' he's a friend of my brother', 'his wife died and I felt sorry for him' ( except that she died after they were in contact). Why did she? The best excuse she had was that as he had left her for someone else and she wanted to show him she was no longer a little girl, but an independent, successful woman (so to make him realise what he'd missed out on) Councilling was a complete waste of time, as the councillor just took her side, even when I could prove beyond doubt she was lying. (Yes, she lied at councilling, showing she was not serious at the time.) Later she did book some CBT to try to understand why she lied, which showed willing, at least. You are not being too harsh, or obsessive, you are feeling these emotions very strongly, because you need to understand. We are all insecure, and this is something that affects all people in different ways and to different degrees, so that is normal too. What I would suggest is, keep fit, as I did too, look after yourself as best you can physically, try to be better at all you can do, get into a team, or group of other men that you can socialise with. Look at your strengths, don't compare yourself to others, especially HIM. Show that you can be strong and independent and capable of going it alone, even if you never intend to do that. She has indicated that she would accept you leaving, thinking you will collapse in a heap at her feet. Show her that this is not the case. You are not alone, the more you see the more you will understand. The book ' Not just friends' by Shirley Glass is a book both of you should read, IMO. All the best.

Thanks certificateofauthenticity, I bought that book on Amazon, the wife said she would read it after I’ve read it, hopefully pay dividends. When I went to counselling it really did seem like the councillor and wife were teaming up on me. An EA somehow isn’t as big a deal as a PA, total rubbish, he wife was so happy with that councillor, I hated it.
I mentioned to the wife yesterday night that I was going to do my individual counselling and then at couples counselling, we could hopefully deal with unresolved issues on my part. The wife blew up asking me what issues do I still have, I said not major stuff. I said we could talk about it at counselling. I wish I never mentioned it, she made me sleep in the spare room and was close to kicking me out. She was shouting how it was only some messages and pictures. Things have calmed down today; I will keep quiet until at counselling, than choose my words carefully.
In the meantime I’m going to try and join a running club, keep taking dog for runs, and join a darts team or something similar. I will also try not making the wife the centre of my world, which is obviously what I’ve done. I will try build up my confidence again too. Thanks for the great insight, and sharing your experience, it helps to know, people can come out on the other side, Take care

It's really hard to break free. I've been in a similar situation. The counsellor doesn't sound very supportive.

It is like an addiction.

I agree with the advice about hobbies I admire you for trying to save your marriage

Thank you hopefullymovingforward, I appreciate your encouragement. I will hopefully have better luck with the counsellors in the future 🤞

Patrick321 I don't mean to go on and on. The only reason that we are still together is that she realised that to move forward she had to do whatever I needed to heal. It did take months.(Total honesty, many, many hours talking this through) It sounds unfortunately that yours is not at this stage. She cannot see it from your side. She is not motivated enough by the possiblity of losing you to help you. You love her more than she loves you. I think you can see this, if you think she may be using you to finish her degree. Three years on we are definitely stronger in many many ways, but it is not forgotten, by either of us. We still set aside one night a week to talk, not about the past, but about everything, emotional intimacy. I moved from hypervigilance to active trust and finally to passive trust. But I think the main turning point was me realising that I would be ok without her. Physically and mentally stronger. I don't condone everything that they talk about on 'the red pill' ( a website with a reference to the 'matrix' movie describing having a awakening to what is real) but there has been a change of thinking. I don't need her, but I want her. We both try to do the best we can now for each other and communicate properly. Sorry if I bore you with my experiences, but I can relate so much to this and know how much it can affect a person. Best of luck. Look after yourself.

Thank youcertificateofauthenticity , it is great to hear from someone who has gone through something similar. To hear that you’re three years, really motivate me that it can be done. Your wife sounds like she has had a 180 degree turnaround, really great to hear. I need to start trusting more too, I am terrible at the moment with checking up on their wife. You definitely don’t bore me in the slightest, thank you very much for the valuable insight. I really hope I can take a leaf out of your book and move in the right direction. Thanks take care

Patrick your wife is minimising her affair. She doesn't think it's bad because it wasn't physical...but it's still a betrayal.

It's like saying it was just a ONS or it was just a 6 week affair or it was an escort so no emotional attachmeht. Those are comments from remorseful spouses. Or spouses who don't get it.

Until she stops this you really won't heal. You can stay in the marriage...but her actions of kicking you out to sleep in the spare room show she doesnt care or doesn't get it.

You need to be firmer and tell her you aren't being kicked out of your home because of her affair. I suggest you read No more Me. Nice guy by Robert Glover. It's available as a pdf online.

Your wife calls the shots and there is a power imbalance in your marriage. That's what gives her the audacity to blow up like that.

A marriage counsellor who takes sides is useless. I'd immediately stop counselling in that situation and ask them if they think they're abiding by the BACP ethical framework in being unbiased and siding with one party.

Even when a friend of mine tokd me the MC said his wife was out of line and that he was a saint in comparison... I told him that whilst that may be true...a good counsellor wouldn't do that... as his wife would feel ganged up on in the session and withdraw.

Honestly speaking...in your situation I'd feel no option than to live my life by being very close to the children...having one on one time with them and time with all of them together excluding your wife.

In addition continue individual counselling. Build up a social network outside of your marriage. Do not let your life revolve around her.

No need for hostility...but be civil with her. This will make you stronger and should there be no changes from her ...you'll feel able to make the break.

You can only control your actions.

Incidentally if your wife gave a damn your marriage would benefit from her reading How to help your spouse heal from an affair by Linda MacDonald.

I have to ask...is she the kind of person who'd be okay if you did what she did?

You have her on a pedestal. Knock her of it for your own sake.

Yes you are very tolerant OP.

Interestingly enough my dh was called a Saint at MC but he certainly isn't. I felt the person was good though and supported us both.

I am trying to rebuild our relationship and have gone NC with OM. I do miss him but feel better as It complicates things.

I don't think the grass would be greener for me. I couldn't be without dh even though his behaviour was awful at times before and after

You need to be more assertive.

@certificateofauthenticity

Exactly what SandyY2K says (again...)

Thanks very much. I've noticed you've said this on other threads too.

OP ... without meaning to be hurtful, your wife sees you as weak. She wouldnt behave as she does otherwise.

Never men in a one sided relationship. It's all on her terms and you have to put up or shut up.

Disengage. No need to show emotion and be vulnerable with her. She doesn't have your back.

Thanks for the advice, everyone seems to be saying the same thing! it confirms my gut feelings anyway. I obviously have shown weekness, and that I'm a walkover, the wife has recognised that and has been acting acordingly. I agree with the sentiment that I need to disengage with her and not pander to her as much. I have made a rod for my own back by begging her to not leave me. She feels as if she is doing me a massive favour by not having divorced me by now. It is my own fault, but I've not been myself, if never been a walkover like this. My only excuse for this is because I've been wanting to try and keep the family together at all costs, but I've not been happy. I will focus more on the kids, and myself and be ready to walk away if there isn't great improvement. I will get all my individual counseling done, and hopefully couples counseling and see if things improve. Thank you all for the great advice and sharing your personal experiences, it really brings my problems more into perspective. Hopefully this new approach will make the way forward clearer.