Should I stay or should I go?

[bluesyndrome]

Hello all,

Thanks for helping me over the years, your advice and experience, honesty and practicality has been a god send. This is my first post and controversial as It may seem I'm a male.

I won't give the back story but to summarise. Im not happy in my relationship, my wife neither. We have been together for 4 years and she has a daughter of 14 whom I consider my own due to Bio father not having any contact.

I have tried from the beginning, sex was amazing, we were both going somewhere with our careers.

The honeymoon period obviously wears off. And it did. I discovered my wife to be very controlling, distrusting of men (from previous relationship) and when she found career tough became so miserable, intolerable and aggressive I decided to pick up the slack and provide.

I pay for everything, and don't seem to get any thanks back, no gratitude what so ever. We haven't had sex in 6 months and she doesn't want to. She doesn't want children.

Putting this aside. I feel like a mug. I support my wife and sd in there varying expensive hobbies. Am getting into more and more debt with no hope of getting a mortgage. I get spoken to like I'm trash and my wife is permanently angry.

Im not the easiest man to live with I know that, I am often grumpy but this is because we are always doing stuff that the girls want to do. We watch whatever they want to watch on tv. Never has my wife asked what I want to watch. She has been out of work for months now and the sex has dried up to once every 6 months. Mainly because of the lack of connection and romance. I work as much as I can to support them both and it seems my wife doesn't even acknowledge that.

I feel trapped and passive aggressive because of this relationship. I feel lost, like I don't know what to do. Anytime I raise my concerns or feelings, they get received with anger and shouting. So I don't bother anymore. I just keep it all in.

I have wondered recently if she is with me because I provide and its a safe environment for our SD. Am I being used?

It seems everything I do is wrong, there is control issues, and if I'm being honest, I'm scared of my wifes often completely over the top reactions to my concerns/ feelings.

Im not a bad person, I work hard and provide I do house chores, you know the usual man duties.

I dont think I can take it anymore. I don't want to leave them both high and dry though. The rent is in my name. I don't want them to move out, Id rather move but what happens when she can't pay the rent?

Please help, I would really appreciate your advice and help on this matter, am I being unreasonable?

Blues

I wouldn't stay in that relationship if I were you. Leave her - she can get a job or go on benefits but with only a teenage child, she's got just as much time to work as you do.

I'd be off like a shot!

www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350?tag=mumsnetforum-21. I found this book to be very helpful (there's a UK version on amazon uk)

Her future is her responsibility: she sounds like she's checked out of the relationship and is only there because it's easier to stay than to go. The relationship is bad for both of you and bad for your stepdaughter too. Leave if you can and look after yourself.

It sounds like the relationship may have naturally run its course and you have grown apart. It doesn't sound like you are very happy and getting much back from the relationship in terms of joy and togetherness.

You could choose to have a heart to heart and try and fix things or else decide that it is time to move on.

You sound kind and generous in terms of not wanting to see them struggle but be careful not to compromise so far that you lose your own chance for future comfort and security which you've worked hard for.

How much have you talked through your problems? Do you think you would both be willing to work to overcome them?

Thanks all, didn't expect replies so quickly!

I will read that book!

Botanica I am willing to work on it but any expression of my feelings is received with great anger, I mean out of ordinary outbursts. I have been thinking about things and I actually think my wife is a bully, emotionally for sure. It's taken me this long to actually stand up for myself.

I am generous and kind. Don't get me wrong I have my faults but I always put the needs of my family before myself. But the reciprocation isn't currently there. It feels like I'm being taken advantage of.

I'm just worried for them both if I do decide to leave. As I said the rent is in my name and I would feel horrid kicking them out. How do people deal with situations like this?

If I do stay then I won't be able to get out of debt any time soon, won't have a child of my own, may or may not have regular sex and won't get a mortgage. Are these things worth breaking up for? A part of me says no don't be so selfish but another part of me thinks I need to look out for myself. I have always put others needs before myself in every single relationship. An area I am working on btw.

Thanks again all

Blues

It doesn’t sound like a healthy way to spend the rest of your life. I’d end it.