MN a help or hindrance in dating/marriage?

[Goldilocks3Bears]

So I was bored/restless Friday evening and went on the relationship threads and now it’s Sunday and got me wondering..

A lot of the threads are the same and there are the obvious ones where someone is clearly having an affair or in an abusive situation. Those are pretty clear cut.

But ... I came across a couple of threads where women were asking for opinions on men and particularly the way in which they communicate in relationships and the advice given ranges wildly from (and I paraphrase) “yanbu -he’s just not into you if he doesn’t do x/y/z” to the other end of the scale “you are smothering - if it’s a loving relationship, you shouldn’t have to text each other gd morning/gd night when you are apart”. These are just random to illustrate examples.

Give that advice is dispensed on the basis of 1-300 word intros with zero other context, some of the advice given is very rigid at both ends of the scale and in some cases pretty anxiety inducing and it wasn’t even my problem

I think MN is super and I am happy to see women in dangerous situations find a way out through here but I also wonder if there is also a bit of keyboard warrior/soft trolling going on here at times and if the advice might cause more distress than help in some cases.

Whaddaya think?

Oh I agree with you 100% about the keyboard warrior/trolling thing! I also think (in my opinion) one person will come t on something and the sheep will follow.

I saw a couple of weeks ago a post where a girl had posted something about arguing with her DH over a babyscan. The DH had shouted her in front of their children and called her a c**t etc...

One poster made out she had pushed for the argument and was calling her a gas lighter etc. So many people jumped on that post and gave the OP so much grief, it was shocking! I didn’t comment on it but I did read through it thinking WTAF 😳

That’s what I mean - it all gets a little strange at times...

I'm definitely more suspicious and less trusting since being on here.

I think there’s some genuinely good advice on some posts that I’ve found useful in dating and recognising concerning behaviour. Also when I’ve been through upsetting times I’ve had great support here too. I think some of the ‘viper’ posts you just take with a pinch of salt. I think a lot of people here just want to share experiences and help

Yeah, there is a knee jerk 'he's married/having an affair/living a secret life/etc' response. I mean, sometimes he is ... but there seem to be people competing on here to be the one who spots a liar/cheat. I do find this forum useful for some relationship issues but it's usually only when I'm interested in finding out people's initial impressions of a situation.

I love this site, I don't comment much but I do read through a lot and if I've got something helpful to add I will, however I too have found its made me super suspicious of my fiance, mainly in the way that I sometimes think he's so open with his phone but actually he could have another phone, or be using his tablet, or that actually he doesn't work full time, that's just a cover up for all the women he's messaging and shagging behind my back haha! Obviously I'm exaggerating but it's made me question my trust in him which is so unfounded, and also believe that i should constantly be checking up on him which would be awful if I carried through with it. I have had to be really hard with myself lately and recognise that it is from reading some of the terrible accounts on here. I'm also mindful that some of us will have been through the pain of affairs in the past so our advice will sometimes be more coloured than someone who hasn't

I think some people post to up the drama and make threads more interesting, so, yes, soft trolling. They may not really realise this is what they are doing as I suppose it takes a high level of self awareness.

People only post on here when there is something wrong so it's not representative of most men/relationships. Look around you - most people are in happy and respectful relationships but mn is good for people to get a reality check when they've been so ground down and abused by their partner.

I wouldn't even come on here if I was in a happy relationship as the stories are, as you say, very anxiety-inducing and likely to make you suspicious of everyone and everything.

What I would say is that I first came here due to a problem in my marriage. I received hundreds of responses that I didn't want to believe and decided that lots of posters were projecting or loving the drama. A year later I realised they'd all been 100% right. I came back and got support to end my marriage but I could've spared myself twelve miserable months.

Now I just think - if you've got a problem come here to receive good honest advice. Some of it won't fit your situation, some of it will be ill-informed but you'll certainly get a truck load of food for thought.

If you haven't got a problem, stay away or you'll start imagining you've got one (though forewarned is forearmed, and there's no harm in knowing what's out there)!

I came in here at a time after finding some very upsetting stuff and I found it very useful. However I must admit for those in marriages/relationships that have been in turmoil and you maybe should have left, reading about the amount of shit people are subjected to in so many relationships (male and female by the way) it’s enough to make you stay and put up with some moderate dissatisfaction in case you left and met up with any of these psychopaths!! Or decide to give relationships a total miss!! That’s just my personal feeling, others may feel different.

@booboo24 jeeesuus 😂😂😂

I was being very tongue in cheek, but it has made me think that there's so many ways they can do it if they're that way inclined, (& i know that's the key) and all these 'perfect' husbands on here, it's just made me think!! Poor bloke! The thing is I was married for 16 years and have now been with my fiance for 3.5 years, so at 41 it's not something I take too seriously, but it's a thought sometimes that reading this site anyone's capable!

It would be a hindrance if you wanted to steep yourself in denial and believe that you had a good marriage when what you actually had was a bad one.

A help if you want to be able to identify honestly if what you have is valuable or not worth making all the sacrifices for.

Women NEVER act immediately on a mumsnet poster saying ''leave the bastard'' so I think the imagined damage that this does is misplaced. My relationship was as bad as its possible for a relationship to be and yet it took me another 6 months after my two or three threads to face up to it. Yes strangers told me how they saw it bluntly but it took another six months of my own thoughts re-organising themselves before I left.

So the notion that somebody uncertain of whether their marriage was tolerable or not would leave a good marriage on the say so of a few internet posters is ludicrous

All it does it kick start a new mindset and the denial takes months to unpick even then