Shouting at me whilst I’m asleep...

[tuckingfits]

Context to the following in the hope that I don’t dripfeed:

I was very ill last year from the end of March onwards. I had blood test after blood test, a bronchoscopy, a mediastinoscopy, and was eventually diagnosed with tuberculosis of the lymph nodes although nobody was sure as I was immunised as a child & haven't lead a life where I would have been expected to come across TB since then & become infected. They treated me, the treatment was long & gruelling & can make you feel iller than the actual illness, I was lucky & whilst I didn’t make a miraculous recovery, I didn’t on the whole feel hugely worse than I did before treatment started.

During this time I also lost some of my hearing. I now have an alarm clock with a vibrating pad as well as an extremely loud alarm because I struggle to wake. To the point where I apparently have full conversations while I’m asleep & have no recollection afterwards when I actually wake up properly. This has been a major bone of contention since last year.

OH was less than sympathetic to my being ill. I spent 4, almost 5, months in bed or in hospital. He took me to one hospital appointment, and left before I was admitted for an operation under general anaesthetic because he had to get back to work. He is self-employed & we live on not a lot of money, so this was fairly understandable, but the general lack of support or understanding is not. Plus the fact that I collapsed while walking into the hospital & apparently he thought I was dying... still didn’t wait with me.

My parents came every day for months on end to look after me & our three children, my poor mum ran herself ragged taking on my role within the household as well as still running her house. My dad did all the external maintenance required on our house, which OH (a joiner) didn’t. He also redecorated the house almost single handedly to get it on the market as they had encouraged us to buy a house closer to them. All live in the same village. OH fell in love with the new house & made all these promises of help to my dad, which I knew he wouldn’t follow through on & warned them he wouldn’t. He has previous form for letting me (whilst increasingly pregnant with our first child) & my dad renovate his flat before we bought our first house. I couldn’t help this time as I wasn’t fit.

This is incredibly long & I'm missing lots out as I don’t really want to write a novel that nobody will read because it’s too long. Roll on to now, I have post-infection syndrome that is getting better but still strikes at random & results in me needing an occasional afternoon of complete rest on the settee. They are becoming fewer, further apart & lasting less time & when I can I battle through regardless. Despite being told by my medical people that I am pushing myself too hard & still need regular rest days. That’s just not possible as my mum was diagnosed with osteoporosis & 5 fractured vertebrae, which means she isn’t able to help anymore & he just doesn’t really. On to my issue this morning...

My partner stood over me in bed (we sleep separately for many various reasons) & shouted at me at 8am for not being up with the kids & because my alarm had been going off since 7 apparently. He knocked it so that the power cord dislodged yesterday & I forgot to change the alarm time which is automatically 7... then when I got up to get the kids breakfast he started shouting at me “why are you up? You don’t even get up this early on a school day” (not true). I asked him what he wanted me to do? He’s shouting at me for not getting up & shouting at me for getting up... I said I was just about done with this & he said “you are??” Incredulously, as if he is too. I wish he’d just find someone to cheat on me with so that I’m not the bad guy & have an easy excuse to tell him to get fucked. So anyway, “the kids” who were up was just the littlest wanting a cuddle with him. I’ve made her breakfast & waited for the others to wake up. I hate it/him when he’s like this.

It’s not normal for someone to stand over you in bed shouting at you when they know you’re not fully conscious & struggle to come round, is it? I know I’m in the wrong for being the one who can’t surface through the fug, but I honestly don’t believe that I’m being difficult or doing it deliberately. I take a lot of prescribed medications that all affect sleep etc.

I just don’t know what to do. I had a serious conversation with my parents the other day, well my dad as mum was keeping the kids busy, but this was her spin as well apparently, they think I should stay, after literally years of trying to get me to leave, because of the housing situation. There’s a lot of money tied up & if we split up they are worried he will demand & get half of everything because I have only worked part time since having the kids so haven’t financially contributed as much as he has & they won’t get their investment back. So I should suggest couples counselling & become a 1950s housewife as well as a 2018 partner already doing the majority of the kids/house stuff as well as my new & rapidly growing business. He shouldn’t ever have to cook dinner apparently, not that he has recently, for a few weeks. I’ve got better at forward planning & actually doing it.

I’m devastated by their sudden turnaround, but not particularly surprised sadly. Support always comes with conditions & judgement. I’m not sure my mum does agree with dad but she won’t go against him.

Talk about the overshare! Sorry, just needed to get it all out. I doubt I’ll do anything to change the situation except continue to try & break the habit of going to bed so late. I can’t personally see what’s so terrible about having a “partnership” in which one person is a night owl & one person is an early bird... It’s not like he buzzes around the house doing housework or laundry in the mornings, if I didn’t stay up late we’d never have clean clothes to wear... is that a really weak argument?

I’ve got the health visitor coming tomorrow for a chat & hopefully she’s bringing some counselling info.

I’m just so sick of the atmosphere & walking on eggshells. He never cites any fault other than my inability to get up easily... I have a list as long as his arm of things that make me unhappy & us incompatible.

I don’t want my children growing up around this & thinking that we are modelling a normal relationship. I’d drag them out of something like I’m living if I knew they were trapped as I feel I am.

Can anyone voice any opinions on this please? I know it’s awful that I don’t wake up but I try, I really do. The purchase of a very expensive, very loud & vibrating alarm clock goes towards showing this, surely?

Oh OP its sounds awful why have your parents changed their mind as it sounds a horrible situation for you to live in

What is their investment exactly? Time, money? Can you evidence it belongs to them if it is money?

If it were me I’d leave but I’ve been much happier alone than I was when married. Some people need to be married so compromise in relationships.

Is it a joint mortgage?
You may want to seek advice from a solicitor about splitting the assets.
Don't stay with him just to safeguard your parents investment.

Oh bless you.

What he did this morning was definitely not okay.

It sounds like what he's been like for years, is not okay.

You are ill. Not being fully with it the instant you wake up is NOT your fault. Being tired and needing to rest a lot, is Not. Your. Fault.

Health visitor... I’m a bit confused. Have you just had a baby on top of all this hot mess? Poor you!

You need to see a solicitor. He is probably entitled to 50% and you have to reasonably be willing to give him what he’ll eventually be entitled to. It’s as good as the marital home. So be prepared to swallow that tricky pill.

Sounds abhorrent and you have my sympathy.

But explain why you’re a night owl and why can’t you just get up in the morning and be there for the kids? Is it the meds? Can you reduce your medication because it sounds like you’re unable to be fully present and that does kind of suck for your family. But if you must be on the meds then so be it. Bad health really stinks. I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. It sounds like your months of chronic illness was too much for him to cope with. He could have been nice about it though. No need to be a shouty prick.

You’re both unhappy and miserable. I wouldn’t want to live like this. I’m sure you don’t. I’d be getting my legal advice pronto with a view to moving towards a future without your OH in your everyday life. You may find your health will improve!

Oh and also, your parents’ input is neither here nor there. What do you want for your life? Parents shouldn’t be the ones shaping your decisions.

Not. Your. Fault. At. All. He's being a dick. Sorry to be so blunt (but honest) What's wrong with him just very gently shaking you until you wake (with a cuppa)? Duh!! Think your parents are too involved in this for proper advice/support. I think you should go to couples counselling (if you can afford it), get it all out in the open and take it from there. If you ever decide to split, then only after you've made that decision, then turn to parents for support with splitting. My advice is based on myself having to leave a long marriage (with a child) to a selfish git.

TB is a serious illness, a very serious illness which takes longer than a few months to recover from. I'm not sure about TB of the lymph nodes but people with TB of the lung are usually on triple therapy medication for 2-3 years, and yes one of the drugs has the side effect of deafness. That's why in the past people with TB would go to a sanatorium for 2 years to help them recover.

One of the roles of health visitors is to support families with infectious diseases (HVs used to track contacts for infectious diseases, including STIs). Use her/him - take whatever the HV can offer. Ask her / him to speak to your partner and lay it on the line for him - you've been very seriously ill and are still very much in recovery and consequently need active and emotional support now and ongoing for maybe another 12-18mths.

As for calling it a day as far as the relationship goes - get legal advice and don't stay just because your parents want they investment back. You may be OK putting up with your partner's behaviour but your children do not deserve that emotional trauma. I personally don't think couples therapy would help (I have used it myself). Get the HV involved - someone from outside the relationship giving some home truths can be very useful. If your parents aren't going to be supportive of whatever you choose to do, don't involve them in the decision making.

Tucking - you're probably only half way through treatment and recovery - give yourself time

To me the relationship sounds over. You don't love each other, and he is openly contemptuous. You hope he'll have an affair so that you can kick him out.

Why not just have the conversation, discuss how a separation might work regarding money and the children.

You need proper legal advice regarding the house and other assets.

Would life be easier without him As I can't see what he actually brings to the party other than money. Have you ran your figures through www.entitled2.co.uk to see if you could cope.

He's basically horrible to you. It doesn't sound like he even likes you. Don't put up with this shit anymore.

Get rid of him. Whatever money you lose, it’ll be worth it because he sounds dreadful.

I may be being a bit dim, but I don’t understand the part about your parents getting their investment back.

You don’t need all this extra stress OP during your recovery; he’s not helping you at all.

Wow, well that’s pretty unanimous then. We are basically housemates with children & we don’t even like each other most of the time. We had a lovely family day out yesterday, a companionable evening & then this morning.

Vanguard in answer to your questions, no baby youngest is almost 3. I’ve contacted the HV in the hope that she has information/support she can offer in terms of the relationship/counselling either separately or jointly.

I’ve always just been more productive late into the evening, even as a teenager, then I started bar work after school & through university, returning to it as full & then part time work. This has become more pronounced since having children as it is literally the only time I get alone & it is spent doing stuff around the house, quietly, or work for my business. Night owl & early bird are not terms I have made up, people tend to be one or the other.

Thank you for the recognition of my having been ill & still being a recovering human. I was on general antibiotics for 6 months prior to diagnosis & then triple therapy for 6 months. I have a CT scan coming up this month to see what the lymph nodes are up to, most of the affected ones are in my lungs.

My health visitor has been useless through this time, but about a month ago I was feeling rock bottom & really needed someone external to take a view over the situation, so I’ve been trying to make arrangements to see her since then. I have spoken to my GP & she is appalled. I opened up about how unhappy I was & how much he drinks & how much money that takes from the family. She said she knew when she met me 4 years ago that there was something not right but that she couldn’t work out what it was. She suggests having the conversation, agreeing changes to be made & giving it a timeframe & making a decision at that point.

My parents contribution is a large financial one which has helped us to buy our homes in the last 7 years. Two of them. We have just sold the first, so we will be able to repay them once we have a mortgage agreed on our new home. But we have to get that mortgage to get that arranged. His credit rating is terrible due to running up credit card debts which I & my parents have cleared for him two or three times already, at thousands each time. He is in arrears with them now, having promised to cut them up... he no longer uses them & sees the issue now. I don’t believe he would ever do it again. He thinks he has spent the money on shopping/household costs. I disagree because if he didn’t drink 6-7 cans of Stella a night & smoke 20 a day, there would be a lot more money available.

It’s all such a bloody mess. I didn’t expect such an overwhelming level of confirmation & validation of how I’m feeling though.

it sounds like your parents are exceptionally supportive, financially and practically.

They must be very worried about you, your health and their grandchildren.

It sounds like they have spent a long time wanting you to ditch this loser but eventually became convinced you never would and have thrown everything into seeing you all adequately housed.

I can understand them worrying about getting their loan back, if it is not a sum they can afford to lose.

I am confused about the housing though. Who currently owns the second house, if you haven't yet got a mortgage on it? Your parents?

Can't you just repay them from the sale of the first house and move into the second house by yourself?

If they've heard you complain about him for many years they may just be thinking that you don't really mean it and it's the wrong time for hasty decisions. Talk to them properly, ask for their help to separate from him. Are you married?

The thing is that everybody likes him, they just don’t like the way he treats me. When you’re with him, he’s an easy going, affable guy & you overlook all the shit he has done & caused.

My parents have been able to see the lack of love between us, but I have not spoken of most of our issues because they don’t need the worry. I haven’t run him down to them because I didn’t want them worrying or further encouraging me to leave him. He’s the father of my children & because of that of course there are still feelings of some sort there.

For various reasons we haven’t been intimate for about 3 years & I can’t actually ever imagine wanting to be, with him again. You can’t accept, at 39, a cold, loveless, sexless existence, can you? That’s rhetorical. There’s no way I would suggest a friend should suck it up & get on with that.

My parents do own the new house at the moment. The equity from the sale of the first house will pay off that mortgage, pay off my parents & leave me/us needing a £45000 mortgage. Given my health & lack of income, I’m not going to get a mortgage on my own. They can afford to lose it, but why should they? They don’t deserve that.

They are wonderful parents, they don’t do emotional support very well & the support they do offer comes with conditions related to how they think I should live, but they have made many things possible for me & I will never be able to thank them sufficiently.

3 years without sex is a long time, how much longer are you prepared to live like that?

I would plan to get the mortgage you need then to pay off your parents then divorce.

Not don't keep permit off his debts he's an adult be made them he should sort them out.