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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Calling the ow

18 replies

Whatnow121 · 02/09/2018 06:00

Been through a lot with husband over the last two years including a break up and getting back together. During the break up he got involved with another woman told me it was over and he would never contact her again. Last night my phone battery was dead so used his to make a call snooped and found her number in call history. He claims he doeznt know why she called him etc.
Do I call her? If so what do you say? Feel like a mug for taking him back and just thinking talking to her wont cgange things. I truely wish I didnt know as weve been so happy. Well I guess me and the kids not him.

OP posts:

HereIgoagainxx · 02/09/2018 06:07

Is there any way you can get s more detailed phone history to see if there gas been further contact.

How recent was the call?

No point ringing her, she may deny everything.

justabout2016 · 02/09/2018 06:10

I wouldn't. I know it's hard, but I think it's something you need to sort out with him. If he was with her legitimately when you had broken up, that's hard but different from being an OW. However if he's still in contact with her now you're back together, that's completely unacceptable.

I think you need to have it out with him. If he genuinely doesn't know why she called then he should have been honest, and told you.

Thatsfuckingshit · 02/09/2018 07:34

Well firstly it sounds like she wasn't the OW. That's a really shitty label to put on someone when that's not who they are.

My dps ex wife calls me the OW. Told everyone I was the OW. Thankfully I met DP through his family so they all know I definitely wasn't. Her family do but I don't give a shit about that.

Anyway, how recently were they together? Could she be calling him for a legitimate reason? Not going to be good for you and him but thinking Sti or pregnancy?

Secondly you need to find out if he has been in contact with her. But remember that all you have seen is that she called him. He hasn't don't anything at this point.

If this is really bothering you and preying in your mind and you know he hasn't contacted her, come up with a solution together. Perhaps he can text her in front of you and ask why she called. If you do decide to contact her, I think it should come from him. Then he can shut her down and tell her not to contact him again.

I do think you should be honest. Do you trust him? Did you really need to use his phone or was it an excuse to check? Will this cause further issues for you?

subspace · 02/09/2018 08:21

Get him to call her back in front of you.

Original poster

Whatnow121 · 02/09/2018 09:34

Thank you subspace I think I will do that once my head has cleared. As others have said I doubt there is any point me calling her directly.

Thatsfuckingshit I dont know what else you are supposed to call a woman you suspect may be having a relationship with your husband.

OP posts:

Kennycalmit · 02/09/2018 09:39

OP you’ve seen one call

Have you seen whether she called him or he called her?

Could it have been an accident? When DP and I broke up I ended up meeting someone and was seeing them for a short while. Obviously that ended as DP and I are now back together. 7 months later I accidentally called the guy I’d been seeing! I was horrified.

It could be innocent.

You need to ask him outright to give you his phone. Check to see whether he called her or she phoned him. If she phoned him, and he’s saying he doesn’t know why she called, perhaps he didn’t even pick up?

Maybe he’s full of shite and he’s breaking your trust but maybe, it’s all innocent?

SandyY2K · 02/09/2018 09:43

How long was the conversation from the call log? Could have been called accidentally.

I also wouldn't call her the OW without proof. He got with her when you seperated. You've seen one call and she's now labelled the OW. She's his Ex.. until you know more.

Has he given you reason to be suspicious at the moment?

Did you see any text messages or anything else on his phone?

I wouldn't call her.

Thatsfuckingshit · 02/09/2018 10:46

Thatsfuckingshit I dont know what else you are supposed to call a woman you suspect may be having a relationship with your husband.

Why do you suspect she is having an on going relationship with him? From one call, which could be for any number of non relationship reasons?

She is your husbands ex. You have no proof the relationship is on going. If you genuinely think she is, why are you contemplating calling her rather than deciding what to do about your dh?

That's where your focus should be. Not wether you should call her or not.

Alfiemoon1 · 02/09/2018 10:53

How recent was the call how long was it ? What did dh say about it I wouldn’t call her but get him to block her number

Musti · 02/09/2018 12:19

I don't see why he's not allowed to contact the woman he saw whilst you were on a break. You got back together so they split up. If he'd wanted her, he could have stayed with her.

I saw a guy a few times over summer and though I decided i wasn't ready for a relationship and he's now seeing someone else, we remain in contact. Just as friends though.

Horseradishwrap · 02/09/2018 13:41

He or she may have had legitimate reasons to be in contact if it's just one call. It is a fairly recent ex partner of his. Definitely discuss with your husband but I wouldn't bring her into it - it isn't her fault and they were free to be a couple as you had split up, she's his ex girlfriend not 'ow'

Original poster

Whatnow121 · 03/09/2018 04:21

Sadly no legitimate reason. He told me repeatedly he didnt know why she called eventually he agreed to call her infront of me and tell her not to get in touch. She bevame hysterical clearly they had continued seeing each other even though she knew he had moved back in.
I wish I hadnt found out.

OP posts:

Thatsfuckingshit · 03/09/2018 04:29

I am sorry it's worked out this way. In the long run, it's best you know.

She bevame hysterical clearly they had continued seeing each other even though she knew he had moved back in.

Forget her. He has probably been spinning her lies. Saying he only moved back because you were taking it so badly or some such excuse. The point is that HE knew moved back in. HE agreed to work on your marriage and give it another. HE agreed to stop seeing her.

Original poster

Whatnow121 · 03/09/2018 04:38

In my head I know this but i cant get past it all weve bern back together for 1.5years. I didnt beg him to come back he chased me. We went through six months of counselling to work through things infidelity was not the reason for original break up just communication. I literally only used the phone because my phone battery died its something we have done to each other a million times before.

OP posts:

Funicorn · 03/09/2018 08:35

and how do you know she became hysterical ? Was it on speaker ?

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 03/09/2018 08:42

Original poster

Whatnow121 · 03/09/2018 09:19

Yes it was on speaker whats tour point

OP posts:

Funicorn · 03/09/2018 18:47

Well I was trying to get an idea of the full picture here ...did you actually HEAR the conversation and you now say you have .

Flip