Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Breakup anger - is it inevitable?

12 replies

loudaloneknows · 01/09/2018 21:24

Currently going through a breakup. Been together 14 months but want different things. Main sticking point is children. I said from the beginning that I wanted them, before we even got together, he didn't say he didn't but then it transpires that not only does he not want any more (he has grown up kids so that's why I had the conversation even at the hint of something more than a friendship) but he's had a vasectomy and can't.

This all came to light a few months in and I considered ending it then and probably should have done but I was in lurve and yadda yadda.

Anyway, now he's saying that we both know that we can't stay together because of the baby issue and not only that but given me a list of all the reasons why he wouldn't want to live with me. So basically even if either of us changed our minds about children then it wouldn't work anyway because I have pets (WTF?).

I am fuming. Is this inevitable? I don't want to be angry. We want different things and it's not his fault, it's not my fault that we're at different stages in life. I keep replaying the stuff he said about my lifestyle on top of the fact that I still feel he was economical with the truth at the beginning of the relationship and it's just making me so angry.

My emotions are all over the place. Still love him one minute, then want to tell him how angry I am with him the next.

I know it's over. I really don't want it to be but it has to be. I want children. It's really important.

Is this a phase that will pass? I was single before this for years and can't remember how my last breakup went. Funnily enough that ended for the same reason - didn't want kids.

Urgh.

OP posts:
CatchEmAll · 01/09/2018 21:32

I'd move on. It will hurt and take time but he's not for you.!

loudaloneknows · 01/09/2018 21:36

I know. It really hurts. I don't want to be this angry though. That's my question really. Is this anger necessary to move on?

I guess I need to be angry with him to reprogramme the part of me that still loves him.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 01/09/2018 21:38

He lied to you from the beginning and took away your right to decide how your life would be. No wonder you're bloody angry.

loudaloneknows · 01/09/2018 21:55

Thank you Hollow. This is what I think and I think he misled me from the start. We had the baby conversation when it was still only a flirtation. I was upfront and honest from Day 1. He had ample opportunity to say that's not what he wanted but instead he led me to believe he wanted the same. At least, that's what I believed.

I brought it up again yesterday and he tried to argue but he can't so just tried to shut the conversation down. It might've been over a year ago but I'm not over it.

I feel like he raised my hopes for a happy family and never had the intention of following through.

OP posts:
loudaloneknows · 01/09/2018 21:56

Because of my age, I don't have time to delay.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 01/09/2018 22:00

How old are you now, OP?

loudaloneknows · 01/09/2018 22:09

But don't worry. I haven't lost any time. I was seeing a fertility clinic before this relationship started to do it on my own. I was due to start my first attempt the month after we got together. But they found a polyp in my uterus and I'm still waiting for the op to remove it. Hoping that will be any day and then I'll carry on with it as a single parent.

Not the way I wanted to have a family but it's the situation I find myself in.

I'm grieving for what I wanted but didn't ever get.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 01/09/2018 22:22

I hope your operation date comes quickly and that everything goes well with getting pregnant. You know what, you have to deal the hand you're given - that guy tried to stop that, so I wouldn't have anything more to do with him, personally, but I would keep going with treatment etc and hope to meet someone with integrity.

Best of luck.

bitheby · 01/09/2018 22:31

I guess it's possible that I could've met someone else in the last 14 months but I'd been single for several years beforehand so didn't think it was likely and who wants to start a relationship and ttc straight away in reality? So I thought I'd stick with him and enjoy it but I think I hoped that he'd change his mind once he realised he couldn't be without me. Ha!

I'm slightly drunk now. Drowning my sorrows.

loudaloneknows · 01/09/2018 22:32

Oh. Namechange fail. That was me. Should've cut back on the Wine

OP posts:
fanniboz · 01/09/2018 22:55

You've got every right to be angry, and I've found anger is often present after a break up. Breaking up is so hard and you're effectively grieving for a loss, so in my experience the emotions associated with grief are present in the initial aftermath of a break up. Your emotions are all over the shop and this is totally normal. The point is it'll all get easier and get less intense with time and you'll be okay Thanks

loudaloneknows · 01/09/2018 23:20

Thank you. I just wish I didn't still care about him. The relationship is probably the best I've ever had apart from this. Doesn't feel fair. He's my best mate. It's going to be a huge loss

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.