Perimenopause and no sex

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AIBU to want sex with my wife who is perimenopausal? She's 46, I'm 43, we have a dd, 6 and ds 2, but we've not had sex for 6 months, only 4 times in the last 2 years and it's making me feel depressed, unloved and lonely. She was advised against HRT by the docs as she's overweight. I've always preferred big women so weight / size doesn't affect my lust for her, just more to love! We have talked about it but she says she's just not in the mood, ever! I'm feeling at a loss as to what to do, life has become dull and frustrating, loveless and lustless. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Have you explained to her how unhappy this situation is making you, and how unloved and rejected you feel?

You need to make sure you get across the emotional side of things OP. It seems many men end up discussing more of the physical aspects of the issue which don't always come across as well to many women. I.e. you don't "need sex" you "miss intimacy and feel unloved". That sort of thing. You also need to think hard about what you are prepared to accept. If a sexless marriage is not acceptable then make sure you don't accept it.

Thanks folks, I've explained to her that I miss being connected emotionally, that it's making me feel unloved and depressed, I said it's not just about the sex, it's about being intimate, I don't get caressed or touched lovingly, and the peck on the lips at bedtime means nothing anymore. But she didn't seem to be willing to change her stance, she is still uninterested in trying to change. I'm struggling not to resent her on a daily basis.

Do you both work, look after the house, look after children, look after older relatives ? Do you share the every day duties ?

Have you indicated that this is a marriage threatening issue? Have there been any indications of her mind being "elsewhere" as it were? Are there any other issues in your marriage?

We both work from home, whereas I go out to customers during the day, she works on her own and often doesn't see another adult all day, except picking up dd from primary school. We both look after the kids and share responsibilities. We don't have many friends or near relatives so she rarely sees friends at the weekends, she has very little adult contact. Her mind is always on her home (work) business, maybe I should put a mouse pad and keyboard on my body for some attention.

"All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy". Sounds like this saying might apply to you both? If it does apply then maybe make some time to get away for a night. Treat her to a new hairdo and new clothes or a spa day. If she feels good about herself, she might be willing to reignite your sex life. Going thro the menopause is not necessarily a precursor to lack of sex drive, it's certainly the opposite in my case . But when you've been in a long-term relationship, it's all too easy to blame (insert whatever ailment) to a lack of sex drive. It happens to men as well as women. Be patient and this might pass but if she is totally unprepared to make an effort, think about a future without her. How would that work? Good luck.

AIBU to want sex with my wife who is perimenopausal?

Bluntly, yes YABU. If she doesn't want sex then she doesn't want sex and nobody should expect her to just put up and shut up. If she had fallen out of love with you or just didn't fancy you any more that might be good reason (IMO) to consider ending the relationship. If it's purely down to the menopause though that is completely outwith her control and it would be a rather fucked up world if we felt morally justified to discard our wives like old cars beyond economical repair when the menopause hits.

said it's not just about the sex, it's about being intimate, I don't get caressed or touched lovingly

Have you tried taking sex right of the agenda, assuring her it's off and sticking to that? Maybe she shies away from intimacy because she worries that you will expect it to lead to sex. Could you settle for that or is it the case that you're really just playing the intimacy card because you do hope that it will eventually lead to sex? Frankly, your opening post is all about sex and lust so I'm a tad cynical. She's going through the menopause. She can't help it if it's tanked her libido or if sex is uncomfortable/painful. She's also only 2 years post giving birth as a fairly mature mother. Maybe if you could muster up a little genuine empathy she might in time muster up some intimacy.

For the record, my wife is about 3 years post menopause so i do have some experience of what you're going through. We got through it and continue to get through it by working together as a couple. We haven't had full sex for a long time and I don't have any expectations that we ever will again but we still have a laugh in bed and we still enjoy lots of intimacy, we just work with what we've got.

How can he be unreasonable for 'wanting' sex with his wife?

Expecting and wanting are two totally different things.

OP you could have been DH a year ago. You are describing us nearly exactly.

DH had convinced himself that I was having an affair as I was not interested in sex at all.

It got better for us. I think I let issues with my weight (it didn't matter how many times DH said it didn't bother him), work, stress, parents dying etc. really get me down and I just had no interest.

It had nothing to do with DH but he had himself worried sick that it was.

He told me how he was feeling and once I realised how unloved it was making him feel I tried to just have sex once a month just for him and then the frequency increased as I was enjoying it now I am back enjoying it fully again.

Hang in there OP. Explain exactly how you are feeling and as PP have said explain that it is more than "just sex" its intimacy, it's being shown that someone loves you and cares for you. I know there are a million ways a wife can do that but intimacy is a nice way too.

Op, take sex off the agenda and spend the next week or two just being kind to your dw.
Bring her cups of tea, offer to take the dcs so she can have her hair cut or nails done,
Listen to her. If you are genuinely kind, supportive, and non-pushy, let her come to you.

OP-I'm not saying this is you but some men are only affectionate when they want sex. It's offputting imo. If you are doing that without realising maybe trying affectionate in general. If this isn't the case then ignore it. It isn't a given that she should have sex with you and many marriages survive happily without it so I'm told. If you can't survive without it (I'm not judging you here btw) then you need to have a frank discussion without any accusation to find out how she's feeling about it before the resentment escalates as it may be too late to save the relationship which at the moment seems like you want to. Don't know if thats any help to you.

She was advised against HRT by the docs as she's overweight

Look at the recent NICE guidelines on patches